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DIY Date Night | The Bucket List

Welcome to the new year! Now that you’re getting back on track after the holidays, it’s definitely time for a date night. And why not plan some future date nights while you’re at it? During this date night, you and your honey will come up with a couple’s bucket list (that doubles as a memories notebook!) for the year. Here’s how to get started…

Supplies:

  • 2 Pens
  • A notebook
  • Two pieces of brainstorming paper
  • A timer

Instructions:

  • First, take a moment and talk through the set of questions below. This will get your mind thinking about some great bucket list ideas for your notebook! 
  • Once all the questions have been answered, set a timer for 5 minutes. Each of you grab one of the pieces of brainstorming paper. 
  • When the timer starts, write down 10 things you want to do this year with your partner. 
  • Then, when the timer goes off, come up with 10-20 more things together to add to the lists. (Use the list below if you need some ideas!)
  • Now here comes the awesome part… Transfer all of your bucket list into the notebook, but only put 1-2 on each page with a big gap between them.
  • Under each bucket list idea, write out these prompts:
    • Date Accomplished:
    • Rating on a Scale of 1-10:
    • What we loved:
    • What we didn’t love:
    • Best memory from this:
  • Now, for each bucket list item you complete, fill out the prompts. You’ll have a whole memory journal by the end of the year!

Questions to Get Started:

  • What was your favorite thing we did together last year?
  • Was there anything you wish we could have done last year?
  • What’s been your favorite thing we’ve ever done together?
  • I get most excited with you when we…
  • When was the last time you got butterflies because of me?
  • How can we bring more new dates/experiences/things into our relationship this year?
  • Would you rather spend a day together outside or inside? Do something creative or active? Spontaneous or planned out?
  • What are you most looking forward to with me this year?

Example Bucket List Items for When You Get Stuck:

  • Go to a park or a downtown area and do a photoshoot of each other
  • See the sunrise together
  • Get googly eyes and put them on random objects/signs in a public place
  • Go on an all-day hike
  • Try a new restaurant in the next town over
  • Go to a city we’ve never been to
  • Choose each other’s meals when out to eat
  • Buy a two-person board game we’ve never heard of and play it
  • Bake a difficult pastry recipe together (croissant, macarons, baklava, etc.)
  • Pretend you’re tourists in your own town
  • Go to a coffee shop and ask the barista to make you their favorite drink

Looking for more DIY date night ideas? Check out our library of creative, simple date nights here!

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How to Find Common Interests With Your Spouse

It may not be as hard as you think it is.

There are two kinds of spouses in the world. (Ugh. I can’t stand statements like this.) 

  1. Those who think it’s not important to share some common interests with their spouse.
  2. Those who think not having common interests is the end of the world. (Or marriage.)

They’re both wrong.

“I don’t think our marriage can work. I just think we have nothing in common.” Keep thinking. You probably have more in common than you think. It’s easier to develop some common interests than you think. Your differing interests are probably healthier than you think.

Developing some common interests reinforces that you are a team and keeps you connected. It builds one of the most overlooked areas in marriage—friendship. (Newlyweds: “We’re soooo in love!” 10 Years Later And Beyond: “We’re best friends.”)

For those two kinds of spouses (and everyone in between) here’s how you find those common interests.

Each of you get out a piece of paper and thoroughly answer these three questions:

  • When you were a kid, what were you interested in?
  • What were you interested in when you were in high school?
  • What are you interested in lately?

Now compare your answers. One of you was interested in exploring as a kid. One of you was interested in camping out. Reconnect with those childhood interests as you connect with each other on a camping adventure. Be curious. Keep comparing lists. Make connections. Find the overlap. 

(Can’t find a single interest that connects, overlaps, or is in common? Really? I wanna know… Email pictures of your lists to john@firstthings.org and if I can’t find some commonality, I’ll personally mail you a shiny new nickel.)

Get your pieces of paper back. List causes or issues, big and small, that you are concerned or passionate about.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Find something you can do about it together. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Get creative. It might be litter. Pick a local park and get some gloves and trash bags and chit-chat as you pick up trash. Nothing brings people together like a common cause. Your marriage might spark a movement. 

Take your problem to the internet like all rational people do. Try Random Thing Picker.

Let the universe intervene. Each of you puts in two or three ideas for date night. I put in: Dance Class, Cooking Class, Painting Class, Movie Night, Game Night, and to live on the edge, I put in Housework. Then click “Pick One!” Boom! Cooking Class. Sign up for a class or find one on the internet. (Spice it up by inputting things neither of you has tried before. Who knows where this will lead?)

Having problems finding common interests with your spouse? Yes, I think you can solve them with a piece of paper or a few clicks. And some time and thought. Oh, and the commitment to work on your friendship and to love your spouse because of your differences, not in spite of them. You got this!

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Do I Have To Tell My Spouse Everything?

The answer may not be as easy as you think.

The opposite of a fact is falsehood, but the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth.   -Niels Bohr

Do I have to tell my spouse everything?

Do you want your spouse to tell you everything? 

It depends. It really does. 

What do we know for sure?

Once you marry someone, you aren’t leading your own life anymore. You are officially in a partnership, and you need to treat it as such. It’s important to discuss and respect boundaries.

We want to be known, understood, and accepted. Viewing marriage as a lifelong commitment between two people creates a safe environment to be accurately known, completely understood, and unconditionally accepted. Striving to accomplish those things is the journey of a lifetime.

Relationships are built in good faith on a foundation of honesty, trust, and communication. If you want to have a healthy, lasting marriage, it is not wise or healthy to be doing things you aren’t comfortable sharing with your spouse. If there is something you want or need, sit down with your spouse and discuss it. 

The moment you under-share, withhold relevant information, cross agreed-upon boundaries, or intentionally try to hide something, and are found out—the trust evaporates and your bond is weakened or broken. What breaks in an instant takes a long time to rebuild.

✶ I don’t know you. I don’t know your spouse and I don’t know the health of your marriage or the boundaries you have agreed to put in place to protect your relationship and make it thrive. But here are some general things to think about as you consider what needs to be shared with your spouse:

  • You shouldn’t share what doesn’t belong to you. Your spouse has no claims to what friends and colleagues confide in you. “Secret” does not equal “Private.”
  • There is a major difference between telling your partner everything in your past because you want to and telling your partner everything in your past because they want you to.
  • You might be strong enough to share the truth, but your spouse might not be strong enough to deal with it. Sensitivity and timing are everything.
  • Don’t fall into the trap of believing you only have two options: tell your spouse everything or tell your spouse nothing. There could be dozens of legitimate options in between. Be compassionately discerning.
  • You need to examine your motives as to why you are sharing certain information.
  • It can be a short trip from “words” to “wounds.” Choose your words carefully.
  • Some of our choices bring shame, pain, and consequences to ourselves and others. Integrity doesn’t compound consequences beneath layers of lies.

“The opposite of a fact is falsehood, but the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth.” Lying, deceit, and deception are wrong, but sharing is not necessarily always caring. But don’t disconnect the profound relationship between truthfulness and love.

Related blogs:

4 THINGS EVERY COUPLE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE

Maximize Your Marriage Series | Tips for Healthy Communication

HELP! MY SPOUSE HATES TO TALK ABOUT BOUNDARIES!

4 STEPS FOR SETTING GOOD BOUNDARIES

HOW BOUNDARIES CAN PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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The Difference Between Sacrifice and Compromise in a Relationship

Every relationship requires a little give and take.

We throw the words compromise and sacrifice around quite a bit in relationships. But what exactly do they mean? And don’t they mean the same thing? 

Well, the short answer is, not exactly. It’s complicated, kind of like relationships are sometimes. Read on to see what I mean.

Both sacrifice and compromise require someone to lose or give something up, but in two very different ways. 

Compromise involves people meeting in the middle to solve a problem. Each person gives in a little… or a lot. Here’s a simple example: one person wants to meet for coffee at 11:00, while the other prefers 11:30. They meet in the middle and decide on 11:15. Each person gave up 15 minutes; problem solved.

Sacrifice is different, though. It requires one person to meet another where they are. They give up something to accommodate the other person regardless of whether they respond or give back. Another simple example: one person can only meet at 11:00 for coffee. Rather than reschedule, the other person gives up a prior engagement to meet with this person. 

Compromise is a team effort toward a common goal, resolving conflict or disagreement. It’s mutual by its very nature. Everyone involved must give up something for it to be called compromise. A compromise works out differences.  

A sacrifice is a solo act done to strengthen the bond between two people. One person gives something up for the relationship; the other person doesn’t necessarily have to, although relationships generally thrive when sacrifice is mutual. Sacrifice seals commitment. 

The nature of sacrifice and compromise gets hairier when you consider different levels and depths of relationships. 

Here’s what I mean. 

Compromising on a coffee time with a co-worker is one thing. Settling with your spouse on how to raise your kids, save money, or where you’ll spend the holidays is a totally different ballgame. Deeper relationships call for deeper considerations.

Perhaps not so much with sacrifice. Giving up a career, living in a particular city, or spending a lot of time with other people is considered good in some relationships, but downright crazy in others.  

**Compromise happens in all healthy relationships to some degree. Sacrifice is probably more appropriate for long-term, committed relationships. And problems can occur when we get those two concepts mixed up.**

As a matter of fact, it’s possible to sacrifice for the wrong reason. An interesting piece of research found that when one romantic partner gave something up for the good of the relationship, both partners had higher than average relationship satisfaction. 

On the flipside, both partners felt less satisfied in their relationship when a partner gave something up to avoid guilt or hurt feelings. 

Did you catch that? The same behavior—sacrificing for one’s partner—had opposite effects depending on the motive behind it. Your reason for sacrifice makes a difference. 

What can we take away from these ideas? 

  • Disagreements happen. Compromise can help solve problems and keep relationships healthy. 
  • Sacrifice isn’t always the best option, like maybe in a new dating relationship. It can even be harmful. But when it is appropriate (think marriage), both people benefit from it. 
  • Compromise costs, but it’s typically refundable. If a compromise doesn’t work, you can usually step back and try something else.
  • Sacrifice is also costly, but it usually has a no-return policy. It’s risky. And it shouldn’t be done recklessly. 
  • Carefully weigh your relationship’s depth and outlook (and the issue you need to solve) before sacrificing or compromising. 

Some say compromise is the foundation of a relationship. Others say throw compromise out the window and selflessly sacrifice. 

I say there’s a time and a place for each: compromise freely and sacrifice wisely. 

Related blogs:

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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DIY Date Night | #Goals

It’s the first day of a new year! And what better way to start it off than with a great DIY date night? This date can be done at pretty much any location at any time. It’s all about having those deep, rich, meaningful conversations—which can happen anywhere! But in case you’re tired of ordering takeout and flipping through Netflix, here are a few fun date ideas…

Basic Date Night Ideas:

  • Try a new restaurant together! Bonus points if you try foreign cuisine and go with the most exotic thing on the menu!
  • Grab your favorite snack, dessert, and drink. Then drive to the closest park or lookout near you! Even if the weather’s bad, you can stay in your car.
  • Take a walk while the sun is setting (grab some hot cocoa if it’s cold)!
  • Get a bunch of googly eyes from a craft store and find places to put them in public downtown!
  • Have a bake-off at home. See who can make the best cookies, cake, etc.
  • Find a place near you to go ice skating!

Now On to the Main Event:

While you’re enjoying your new restaurant or pretty view, it’s time to dig deep and feel connected! Use this list of questions below to set goals for yourself, your spouse, and you as a couple. Even better if you write them down and set a reminder to check it at the end of the year to see what all you accomplished!

  1. What health goals do you have for yourself this year? How can I help you accomplish those goals?
  2. What financial goals do you have for yourself this year? How can I help you accomplish those goals?
  3. What work/career goals do you have for yourself this year? How can I help you accomplish those goals?
  4. What relationship goals do you have for us this year? How can I help us accomplish those goals?
  5. What are three goals I should have that you can help keep me accountable with?
  6. Do you think you’re good at accomplishing goals? Do you think I am?
  7. What can I do to be a better encouragement to you?
  8. What’s the best goal you’ve ever accomplished?
  9. When have you been most proud of me? Of yourself?
  10. If you had to summarize your hopes for this year in one word, what would it be?

Want more ideas for DIY date nights? Check out our full list here!

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I Love My Spouse, But I’m Thinking About Having an Affair

Here are some things to consider instead.

How can you love your spouse and be thinking about having an affair? Is that even possible? The whole thing is super confusing. 

Well, believe it or not, there may be a logical explanation.

Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, says couples need both closeness and distance to sustain a level of sexual intimacy or gratification. 

Many couples have been together 24/7 with very little time apart since the pandemic began. Time apart helps create sexual energy while you think about being with your spouse later in the day. 

COVID has taken away a lot of the opportunity for anticipation. With the lowered level of sexual energy, many couples are bored. And they may not feel much attraction toward each other at all. 

Since our brains crave novelty and excitement, the lackluster sexual energy at home may open the door to looking elsewhere for that excitement you used to experience with your spouse.

If you love your spouse, but you’re thinking about having an affair, consider these things…

“When you are feeling some emotional impulse, as in entertaining the idea of an affair, you have an opportunity to examine the impulse rationally, says Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets to Surviving Infidelity. 

“Stop. Consider the consequences. The very same muscle you exercise when you consider the consequences of running a red light—smashing another car, getting a ticket, dying, can be exercised in this instance,” Haltzman says. “Thankfully, we don’t just live on instinct. We can think through the risks of our potential actions.”

Haltzman suggests considering all the things that could happen, such as contracting a disease and giving it to your spouse. 

Plus, think about the hurt your spouse will feel when they find out.

“In my experience, most affairs are discovered,” Haltzman says. “Maybe not immediately, but at some point. You need to consider the impact on the person you have an affair with and the impact on your own body because you are keeping a secret from your spouse.”

There’s also the moral and practical issue, according to Haltzman. You made a promise to your spouse and to yourself to be faithful as one of the pillars of your marital relationship. And you promised that when nobody else was vying for your attention. 

You have to guard against rationalizing your thought process. 

Haltzman believes it’s possible to bring the sexual energy back into your marriage, even if you’re thinking about having an affair.

He also suggests taking the energy you were putting toward considering cheating and putting that energy back into your marriage. 

Here’s how!

  1. Do new things together. When people are exposed to novel situations, exciting things, or new challenges together, it draws them together. New experiences with your spouse will increase your sense of attraction to each other.
  2. Create space and anticipation. Agree that you’ll spend the day apart—even if it’s on opposite ends of the house. Consider only communicating during the day by cellphone, so you can look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day.
  3. Play dress up. Staying at home all the time may lead to staying in pajamas or sweats and not caring for ourselves. Do something different. Consider what would be sexy to your spouse. 
  4. Use your imagination for your marriage. Use your imagination to focus on and create sexual energy with your spouse instead of someone else.
  5. Get back to the basics. Do the things you did when you were apart and looking forward to being back together. Tease each other with text messages. Create adventure through the element of surprise. Laugh together. Write love notes and leave them in unexpected places. 😉
  6. Be willing to be playful. Go outside and stamp a message in the snow, go camping, or create art together. Make a funny video, create a themed date in your bathroom or somewhere else that’s fun.

While the idea of an affair may seem exhilarating, it’s a pretty risky business with potentially lasting and damaging consequences. Find out why you might be entertaining these thoughts. Then turn toward your spouse and be intentional about creating something different. These things could be the key to changing the sexual climate in your marriage.

Here are some other blogs you might find helpful:

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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DIY Date Night | Let’s Get To A Resolution

New Year’s Day is just around the corner! Now before you make that list of working out more, eating better, and getting more sleep… Have you thought about adding some resolutions for your relationship? This date night will walk you through it!

Supplies:

  • Notebook
  • Pen
  • Dry erase markers (optional)
  • Smartphone or 2021 calendar (optional)

Instructions:

We all know what the average list of resolutions looks like. Work out 5x a week, eat a salad every day, read a certain number of books, get 8 hours of sleep each night… The list goes on. But when it comes to resolutions for your relationship, it might look a little different! Both lists have to do with keeping your physical, mental, and emotional health in shape. Well, these resolutions aren’t much different! Instead, they’re keeping your relational health in shape. So grab that pen and paper, sit by the fireplace or snuggle under some blankets and write out a list of at least 12 resolutions for your relationship you want to accomplish this year.

Don’t know where to start? Here are some ideas to help:

  • Kiss each other good morning, goodbye, and goodnight every day.
  • When conflict gets heated, set a timer for 10 minutes to cool off, then come back to resolve it.
  • Go on 3 date nights per month.
  • Instead of sitting on the couch with our phones, we’ll put the phones down and have a conversation.
  • Do something new together once a month.
  • Call each other once during the workday to check in.
  • Have our friends over once a month.
  • Have 10 minutes every day with no distractions to talk about our days, our thoughts, our feelings, etc.
  • Say “thank you” at least once a day.
  • Speak our assumptions out loud.
  • Do something active together at least 3 times a month.

Take It Up A Level:

Want to make it a little more interesting? Grab that dry erase marker, pick one of your resolutions, and write it on your bathroom mirror. It will be a daily reminder for you both to put the resolution in practice! Then set a reminder on your phone (or write it out on your calendar) to update the resolution on your mirror on the first day of every month next year. By the end of the year, you’ll have formed 12 great habits for your relationship!

Want more ideas for at-home date nights? Check out our huge list of unique, fully planned date nights here!

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25 Fun Holiday Date Ideas for Couples

Get cozy and grow closer with this merry little list that's guaranteed to make the holidays sweeter!

The holidays are the perfect time for couples to experience closeness and connection in the spirit of the season. Try out a few of these fun holiday date ideas with the one you love most! 

  1. Watch your favorite Christmas movie with some gourmet hot chocolate. 
  2. Pick up some donuts and coffee and visit neighborhoods to look at Christmas lights.
  3. Bake Christmas cookies together to give to family, friends, neighbors, or first responders. 
  4. Pick out a live tree or wreath at a Christmas tree farm.
  5. Check out a Christmas concert, either live or online. If you’re on a budget, look up local places of faith or high schools having choir or band concerts.
  6. Go Christmas gift shopping in your Christmas pajamas.
  7. Support a local organization such as Toys for Tots by shopping for and delivering gifts for needy families.
  8. Build gingerbread houses together using graham crackers, icing, and an assortment of candies.
  9. Decorate outside of your house with Christmas decorations and add one thing new this year.
  10. Go ice skating.
  11. Create ugly Christmas sweaters together and wear them out to eat.
  12. Have a couple of Christmas photos taken, either by a photographer or yourself using your phone. Be as creative and humorous as you can with locations and poses.
  13. If the weather is right, go sledding, build a snowman, or have a snowball fight. (Or make your own snow!)
  14. Go caroling with other couples or another group.
  15. Do your own photoshoot in matching Christmas pajamas.
  16. Have a backyard fire with hot chocolate and marshmallows.
  17. Dance in your living room to Christmas songs. (Set the playlist on random!)
  18. Have your picture taken with Santa.
  19. Take a holiday cooking class together, either in-person or streaming.
  20. Wrap gifts while playing holiday songs and eating Christmas treats.
  21. Visit your favorite coffee shop and write Christmas cards to families and friends. (Or create a Christmas letter.) 
  22. Watch “A Christmas Story” and give each other a kiss every time the words “Christmas,” “Santa,” or “You’ll shoot your eye out” are said.
  23. Give each other a soothing massage with oil or lotion, candles, soft Christmas music, and nothing but the Christmas tree lights on.
  24. Get a box of assorted chocolates from the store and take turns giving each other a bite and guessing the flavor.
  25. Do holiday karaoke. 

There’s no excuse to not enjoy some special time with your spouse this holiday season. Pick one of these ideas and make a fun holiday date this week. And happy holidays!

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