So, You Need to Talk to Your In-Laws About Boundaries
Do you remember the first time you met your future in-laws?
Was it important to you that they liked you, or did you even care?
Did you dress to impress?
Taking a walk down memory lane gives you a picture of how that relationship began. Once you got married, you may have thought your in-laws would have little to no impact on your marriage. (That’s funny!)
Until they did.
It could be that you recognized some of their behaviors in your spouse. Maybe your interactions with them directly or indirectly are driving you nuts. They may mean well, yet you feel overwhelmed and a little emotional about it.
Perhaps it’s time to have that talk with your in-laws (you know the one), and you’re wondering how to begin the conversation about boundaries. Well, it probably won’t be easy, but it can be oh-so good if you handle it well!
Brené Brown defines boundaries as “simply what’s ok and what’s not ok.” It’s that simple and that complex. Boundaries often define the depth of a relationship, and they change and grow as the relationship changes. Your relationship with your in-laws will change and grow in many ways as you go through different life stages. Hopefully for the better.
Do a Self Check-Up
Before you have the “boundary” talk with the in-laws, it’ll be helpful to do a self-inventory to pinpoint what exactly is going on and what needs to happen.
Here are some questions to think about.
- Why is their behavior bothering me?
- Is their behavior dangerous?
- Can I deal with it because we see each other often (or not so often)?
- Am I relating to my in-laws based on how my family operated?
- Have I ever shared with my spouse that this bothers me?
Now, Do a Check-In With Your Spouse
Once you’ve thought about these questions, it’s time to share with your spouse. Remember that you are talking about their family, and they may be less than excited to have this conversation. Speaking about behavior, not Mom or Dad, can keep your spouse from feeling the need to defend their parents, and vice versa. Also, use I-statements such as, “I feel (emotion) when your parent does (behavior),” instead of, “YOUR mother always (behavior).”
Once you’ve discovered the boundary you need to address and share with your spouse what you feel would benefit your marriage…
It’s time to talk to the in-laws. Where do you even start?
Determine Who Is Going To Talk For You.
In-laws typically receive information better from their “child.” When my husband and I had to have a serious boundary conversation with our parents, he spoke to his parents while I addressed mine. They may not have liked what we said, but they wouldn’t stop loving their own kids.
Give Grace.
If you’re newly-married, this may be the first time your in-laws have ever been in-laws. There are no rule books on how to be in-laws, so try to see the good in them rather than focusing on the negative. If you are new parents, that means they are excited to be new GRANDPARENTS. Everyone has a learning curve around roles, responsibilities, and boundaries. And sometimes those curves are pretty sharp.
Don’t Be Afraid to Get It Out In The Open.
When you don’t address issues openly, it only makes the problem bigger. Pretending something is ok when it isn’t is not helpful. In fact, it creates conflict inside you, in your marriage, and in your relationship with the in-laws.
Being open and honest with them gives them the chance to meet your expectations. They can’t mind-read. If you don’t let them know, they don’t know there’s a problem! Once it’s in the open, you may be able to resolve the issues quickly (and without any hurt feelings)!
Talking with your in-laws about boundaries is not a one-and-done conversation. We’re talking about an ongoing, progressive conversation. As situations change in your life (moves, kids, job changes) or in theirs (getting older, retirement, health issues), you’ll probably need to revisit and revise boundaries.
But I’ve got some good news for you. When you set a positive tone for open communication, your family will see that limits allow you to love and respect each other more deeply.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Related Resources:
How to Talk to Your Spouse When You Feel Disrespected
Feeling disrespected by your spouse can be one of the most conflicting feelings ever. Part of you wants to believe the person you love truly loves and values you. On the other hand, it can be demoralizing and hurtful to live with someone you feel dismisses you or doesn’t appreciate you.
Not dealing with disrespect can make you feel less confident, less important, and downright angry. Trying to deal with the pain alone can make you respond to your spouse in destructive ways. That’s why talking with your spouse is the best medicine.
Talking about it can be oh-so hard—especially if you’ve experienced major or continual disrespect. But you can do it, and you can do it well. Here’s how to talk to your spouse when you feel disrespected in your marriage.
Before You Talk…
- Clearly and precisely identify what they said or did that you felt was disrespectful. John Gottman, marriage researcher and therapist, says you can often tell how a conversation will end by how it starts.
- Identify how the disrespect impacted you. Did it make you feel unimportant, inferior, betrayed, etc.?
- Ask your spouse for a good time to talk. You may say, “There’s something important I’d like to talk with you about. When’s a good time for us to have some uninterrupted alone time to talk?” Pay attention to your tone because if you convey anger toward your spouse, it’ll probably put them on the defensive. BUT, if you can show a genuine desire to solve issues together as a team, it’s way more inviting.
When You Talk…
- Ask your spouse to hear you out for a moment. Assure them you aren’t trying to make them feel bad or prove that someone is right or wrong, but that you simply want them to understand how you feel.
- Avoid statements like, “You never,” “You always,” “You should.” Instead, focus on the specific actions and how they made you feel. (You’ve probably heard this before, but it’s worth repeating.) Use “I” statements as much as possible. “When you said _____, I felt disrespected. I felt unimportant and unheard.”
- Be open to understanding your own feelings, but don’t let them control you. Emotions are real and powerful. We should express them, but using them to punish our spouse doesn’t help the marriage relationship.
- When possible, be open to your spouse’s perspective. This doesn’t mean you let them justify what they did, but could it be there was a misunderstanding? Your feelings and experiences are real, and they shouldn’t be denied. Still, try to give your mate the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully, your spouse simply did something disrespectful, and they aren’t generally trying to be a disrespectful person.
Set some helpful ground rules.
- Either person can ask for a timeout if the emotions get too heated for a healthy conversation. Schedule a time to resume—ideally, within 24 hours.
- No attacking or belittling each other. You’re on Team Marriage. The goal isn’t winning, nor is it to crush your spouse.
- Avoid defensiveness. It’s natural to justify, prove, or defend yourself, but it’s usually not helpful.
- Try to express your thoughts, emotions, and desires calmly so your partner can hear and understand where you’re coming from. This may take time, and you may have to revisit the conversation. Some people process differently.
If you feel your spouse has disrespected you, these steps can help. Still, it doesn’t mean they’ll immediately understand and agree.
If you’re experiencing emotional or physical abuse, get help now. But for smaller forms of disrespect, kindly letting your partner know can help you respect each other more.
It may take several conversations to see how something was disrespectful. And it may be challenging to make healthy changes and get that mutual respect flowing in a way that makes you both feel valued and appreciated. But pushing through those hard conversations is vital to a thriving marriage.
You. Can. Do. This.
Related Resources:
- What to Do When You Feel Disrespected in Marriage
- How to Stay Motivated During Marriage Challenges
- Why Do Couples Stop Talking?
- FREE Maximize Your Marriage Course
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
What to Do When You Feel Disrespected in Marriage
*This article does not refer to verbally or emotionally abusive behaviors. If you think you are a victim of marital abuse, immediately seek help from a local agency or call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1.800.799.7233.
No one deserves to be disrespected.
And it feels awful when someone disrespects you, especially the person you love the most.
The bad news is we know that contempt and criticism increase the likelihood of marriages going sour. A marriage simply cannot thrive in an environment of disrespect. (Communication Killers has more on this.)
But there’s good news. Disrespectful behavior can change. Marriage can get stronger. And you can feel better about your spouse’s behavior.
And here’s where we start.
As I wrote in 4 Reasons Why Respect Matters in Marriage, respect is how you show genuine appreciation for another person. Respect is an action, not just a feeling. It’s a declaration of value for someone. We show respect by how we behave toward our mate.
Before declaring your freedom from disrespect, it’s crucial to stop and reflect on what’s going on. Examining what you’re feeling helps you approach the problem in a healthier way.
I find it helpful to dissect the disrespect.
Separate the disrespectful behavior and the feeling it produced. I know you feel disrespected. But for a moment, view disrespect as merely your spouse’s behavior.
Consider: I was disrespected when my spouse did or said…
And then dig deeper: Their behavior made me feel… (angry, upset, incompetent, hurt, sad… but don’t use the word “disrespected.”)
Separating the disrespectful thing they did from what you feel helps in a couple of ways. First, it helps you consider your spouse’s intention.
People show disrespect for several reasons:
- They’re trying to cover insecurities.
- They don’t realize how their behavior affects others.
- They let their anger get the best of them.
- They’re just being a jerk on purpose.
Now, I can work with the first three reasons. They don’t excuse the disrespect, but those obstacles have concrete solutions. And they give insight into my spouse’s intentions.
The fourth reason, well, is a little more complicated. But I’m gonna make a huge assumption that you didn’t look deep into your spouse’s eyes on your wedding day, knowing they were a big jerk.
And if you did (I’m not gonna judge), or if something happened and they just turned jerky one day, seeking help from a professional may be the best approach.
Separating disrespectful behavior and the way it makes you feel also helps you examine yourself more closely. When you’ve been disrespected, it’s essential to call out the emotions. What I mean is, label them. Give your feelings a name: anger, frustration, sadness, incompetency. You can deal better with what you can name.
Finally, separating disrespectful behavior and the resulting feelings helps you consider other important questions:
- What specifically was the disrespectful behavior that occurred?
- Is the disrespect a one-time thing, or has it been repetitive?
- Does my spouse know they’re being disrespectful? Do they see how it affects me?
- Is my spouse being intentionally disrespectful? Is it on purpose?
- How sensitive am I usually to what others do or say? Does this paint how I see my spouse’s behavior?
- Is there something else going on in my own life that could affect how strongly I feel toward my spouse’s disrespectful behavior?
Let’s think about one more thing: It’s entirely possible for a person’s insecurities to cause them to take another’s well-meaning words or actions as a sign of disrespect. We all have to stop and ask ourselves, when we feel disrespected, “Is there something inside causing us to perceive disrespect in something well-intentioned?”
No one deserves to be disrespected, and it can be painful. But if you feel that your spouse disrespects you, you need a healthy approach to deal with it. Listening to each other, along with good reflection, determines a healthy approach. And this can lead to a better conversation with your spouse, so you can work through this together.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Related blogs:
DIY Date Night | Driving Ms. Date Night
Time for a last-minute date night! Not sure if you want to stay in or go out? With this date night, you get the best of both worlds! Almost the entire date night takes place in the car, so you can get out of the house without going anywhere with lines or crowds. Check it out!
Supplies:
- A packed picnic (Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Snacks, Dessert… It’s totally up to you!)
- A blindfold
- A full tank of gas (unless you want a good story for later!)
- A sense of direction (optional)
Instructions:
This date night is super simple in concept, but you can make it as fun as you want! Here’s how it works.
- Pack a picnic together! This can be as simple or intricate as you would like it to be. Charcuterie board? Go for it. Pick up some snacks and fun drinks on your way? That’s totally fine. Just be sure to grab some pillows and blankets, too!
- Choose who will be the driver first. The other person puts the blindfold on!
- The driver gets to choose the destination, but don’t tell your partner!
- Drive to the chosen destination (you might want to take a different route than normal).
- The blindfolded person then has to guess where you ended up!
- If they get it right, take your picnic and have your date night at that spot.
- If they get it wrong, switch places! The person that was blindfolded gets to choose the next destination, and the previous driver has to be blindfolded and guess where you end up.
- Keep going until one of you guesses the right location! Then pull out that picnic and enjoy the evening together.
- Use the conversation starters below to turn this date night into a memory to last forever!
Conversation Starters:
- If you had to go a week without your phone, what would you miss most about it?
- What was your first impression of me? What kind of person did you think I was?
- If I let you dress me, what would I wear on our next date night?
- What do you think is your best physical feature?
- Would you rather have to always use chopsticks or a spoon?
- What would you do with one week to do anything, all expenses paid?
- Do you see any signs of aging in yourself?
- What are 5 things you’re thankful for?
- Is there an ideal type of party to you?
- If you had to be famous for something, what would you want it to be?
- When’s the last time you cried?
- What’s one thing you wish you were really good at?
- Which board game is your least favorite?
- If you could get away with a crime, would you? What would it be?
- What are two things you’d do if you woke up totally invisible?
- How many slices of pizza are you capable of eating?
- What fashion trend do you wish would come back?
- Would you rather be a hobbit or an elf for 24 hours (costumes included)?
- What’s one thing that men/women do that grosses you out?
- What is the perfect sandwich to you?
How to Have More Sex in Marriage
I know it ain’t easy to keep things rolling in the bedroom.
Life happens. Marriage goes through seasons of busyness and stress. Not to mention—one of you may be “in the mood” or tired more often than the other. And finding time to have more sex may not be at the top of your list.
But healthy sexual intimacy in marriage is a good thing. It can enhance and stimulate other parts of your marriage, like emotional intimacy, too. And vice versa. (Related: 4 Reasons Why Sex Matters in Marriage)
But if there’s conflict, well… chances are, sparks aren’t flying in the B-E-D.
So then… how do you go about having more sex? Here are some thoughts:
1. Don’t make more sex the goal.
Wait, what?! Isn’t the title of this article How to Have More Sex? Yes, but here’s the deal.
Quantity and quality are not the same. And sexual intimacy doesn’t equal emotional intimacy, either.
Emotional intimacy involves understanding each other. Learning and growing together. Caring for and knowing each other well. When each spouse feels valued and understood, that closeness translates into a more satisfying sex life for you both. (Try these 6 exercises to strengthen emotional intimacy.)
Quality sex is where emotional and sexual intimacy meet. It means realizing what goes on in the day to day affects how much you enjoy your sexual experiences. Don’t underestimate the impact that considering your spouse’s needs in AND out of the bedroom can have on your sexual fulfillment.
So what is your goal? It’s being aware and working toward that emotional connectedness, which naturally leads to (you guessed it!) some pretty awesome sex. Who doesn’t want more of that?
(Up your Emotional Intimacy IQ here: What Is Emotional Intimacy in Marriage and Why Does It Matter?)
2. Don’t let your kids get in the way.
We’ve all been there: the heat is rising in the bedroom when KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK… “Mommy? Daddy? I can’t sleep. I’m thirsty.“
And just like that, the mood is shot.
No doubt, kids can unintentionally hinder sexual intimacy. Over the years, my wife and
I have established a lockdown procedure.
Lock door. ✅
Minimize the noise level. ✅. (There’s a closet door close that rattles if it’s not cracked. TMI? Well, now you know…)
If my wife thinks our activity could draw our kids’ attention, the deal’s off the table. Can you relate?
So, set up some lockdown rules.
- Install locks.
- Teach your kids that the bedroom is your room, and knocking is required.
- Establish “closing time” for both your bedroom and you; if it’s after closing time, don’t drop by. (Double Bonus: Kids learn respect and boundaries.)
If they’re old enough, you might bribe your kids to leave the house sometimes. Here’s a dollar; if you go play in the yard and don’t come in for half an hour, I’ll give you another.
Or, if you’re like a friend of mine, throw 99 pennies in the backyard and tell the kids they can’t come in the house until they find all 100 of them. ; )
3. Talk about sex (more).
Studies tell us that couples who talk about sex have more satisfying sex lives.
- What turns each of you on or off? I mean, what if you’re doing something you think your spouse LOVES, but they don’t (or the other way around)?
- That thing they did that drove you crazy? Tell them.
- Discuss your favorite positions or things you’d like to do that you’ve never done.
- Send a sexy text, write a racy Post-it note or leave a steamy voicemail to build anticipation for your next rendezvous.
These ideas can be beneficial if one of you is more like a crockpot that needs to simmer and get ready for sexy time. If one of you is more like the Instant Pot, building up the pressure beforehand will make the release that much sweeter when it’s time to get down to business.
4. Schedule it.
Seriously, get a room. Or find a sitter. Have some “alone” time that works for both of you.
- Getting the kids to bed is a great incentive if you know prime time comes afterward.
- Are your kids late sleepers? Just might be worth it to be the early bird.
- Kids in school? You won’t have to worry about interruptions or those lockdown procedures if you take a long lunch here and there… just sayin’.
5. Get busy with dates.
Couples who have regular date nights report greater happiness. It’s true!
- Use what you learned from your sex talks to creatively plan something new and exciting for each other. Finding ways to please each other outside of the bedroom can help you score inside the bedroom.
- Invest in conversation and activities that help you connect more deeply.
- Plan it or be spontaneous! Dating your spouse doesn’t have to be expensive, but NOT dating your spouse can cost you some of the closeness you crave. (These date nights can make it easier!)
Doing these things will not only improve the quality of sex you have—it also sets you up for more frequent romps. You’ll be well on your way to more (and better) sex.
So what are you waiting for? Don’t you have some lockdown procedures to take care of?
More Resources:
Is Stress Killing Your Relationship?
Are you overwhelmed with deadlines at work, kids in school, the weekly to-do list, health concerns, drama on social media? Is stress taking a toll on your relationship? Do you find yourself taking out your stress on your significant other? If so, you’re not alone.
Stress, handled wrongly, hurts relationships. It’s a reality. Often it’s the small stressors that build up and do damage.
We all face daily stresses. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could use a magic wand and remove all the stress in our lives? The reality is we have to learn to manage stress, not let stress manage us.
Here’s how to tell if stress is impacting your relationship:
Stressed out people are more withdrawn.
When you’re stressed, you may pull away from those you love or be less affectionate. Maybe you’re working longer hours, spending more time alone, or camping out in front of the TV as a way of escaping all you have to deal with. Isolating yourself can damage your relationship.
Stressed out people see the worst in others.
When we’re stressed, it’s easy to allow the small things to overwhelm us. A minor thing your spouse does, like not picking up their shoes, suddenly becomes a sign of disrespect and a lack of appreciation. Maybe they just forgot their shoes. But stress is blurring your vision and you see them doing it out of spite.
Stress leads to exhaustion.
Not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. Whether the tension stems from work, kids, or our calendars, it bleeds over into all aspects of our lives. Have you ever noticed that when you’re mentally exhausted, you just want to sleep? Stress takes a toll on our bodies. This can leave our spouse (and others) feeling neglected.
Stress makes us irritable.
Who wants to be around grumpy people? The longer the stress lasts, the crankier you get. This can lead to arguments and hurtful words.
[How Not to Blow Up On Your Kids When You’re Stressed Out: The Timeout is a great read if you’ve got kids]
Stress causes us to put other things in front of our relationship.
Technology is a fabulous tool but can also be a source of stress. Endless work texts or emails can interrupt time with your spouse. When we are stressed due to work or other obligations, it becomes easy to prioritize those above our relationship.
So, if you find yourself resonating with these common signs of stress…
Make a plan…when you aren’t stressed out.
If both of you are in a place of little stress, plan how you will deal with stress once it increases. Help to identify each other’s stressors and stress patterns. Look for ways to reduce stressors before they take over.
Reduce your stress.
You can’t help your spouse if you can’t help yourself, so identify what reduces your stress. When I feel overwhelmed, I like to go for a run. It’s time to decompress, soak in the fresh air, and clear my mind. Maybe it’s exercise, music, or getting in nature. Communicate to your spouse what you need to do to reduce stress. Make sure you both have time to de-stress and refresh. (Read How Couples Can Help Each Other De-Stress and Improve Their Relationship)
Prioritize your relationship.
You’re a team! Commit to each other and to ensuring that stress will not take over your relationship. Dr. Michael Mantell, an Advanced Behavior Coach, puts it this way: “Help each other remember you cannot control the uncontrollable, to always look for victory not defeat, to agree to set aside time to talk and be each other’s defense attorney, not prosecutor.”
Ask for help.
Your partner can’t provide for all your needs. Putting that expectation on each other isn’t healthy. Sometimes we need help, whether that’s a trusted friend or a therapist. Don’t be afraid to seek help. Protecting your relationship must be the priority.
Stress is a reality. You can’t make it go away, but you can manage stress so that it doesn’t kill your relationship. What will you do today to reduce stress in your life?
Related Resources:
- 7 Ways You Can Help Your Marriage Survive the Stress of COVID-19
- Is My Stress Level Affecting My Child?
- How Not to Let Parenting Stress Take Over Your Life
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How to Help Your Spouse When They’re Burned Out
You may have noticed that your once ‘Energizer bunny’ spouse has no energy to do anything. Or they share they don’t feel right but can’t give any specific reasons. It seems like all at once, it ALL became too much. They have no motivation to work or deal with personal issues. They feel exhausted after sleeping all night. And they begin to question their capability to complete tasks from work or at home. Your loved one may be experiencing burnout.
Yes, burnout is a real thing. According to WHO, burnout is caused by “chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed.” It affects people in all areas of their lives physically, emotionally, and mentally.
If you believe your spouse is dealing with burnout, these strategies can help you as you help them.
Listen To Them
This may be one of the hardest things to do, especially if you think your spouse can accomplish anything they set their mind to do. Now, they’re questioning everything. You have to listen to them ask questions like:
- Am I a good spouse?
- Is my child getting what they need?
- Are my kids falling behind academically because I’m not a teacher?
- Am I a good parent?
- Is this my fault?
- Am I a good worker?
- Can I do my job now that it’s different from what I was hired to do?
- Am I giving time and effort to my relationship?
- Why is this so hard for me right now?
It’s not the time to try to fix it for them or ask questions. Instead, this is the time to let them dump it all out and try your best to understand. (4 Communication Exercises for Married Couples may be useful!)
Help Out As Much As You Can
Taking things off your spouse’s plate may help relieve the stress. It could be as simple as dusting around the house or taking on homework time from virtual school. If you don’t know where to start, simply ask, “How can I make what you do easier?”
Rely On Your Friends and Family (Use Your Village)
Remember—you don’t have to do everything on your own! Encouraging your spouse to spend some time with friends, family, or alone can lighten the load. Not only should your spouse spend time with friends and family—so should you. You don’t have to be the sole person to assist your spouse. In fact, if you aren’t careful about taking on too much, it may lead to your own sense of burnout.
Take Care of Yourself
While being supportive and non-judgmental of your spouse, it’s vital to take care of yourself. Try to get rest, good food and exercise, too. Find things that help you recharge your own battery.
Encourage Your Mate to Find or Rediscover Hobbies
Being creative can help their brain get out of the fight/flight cycle (more on that here). Be intentional about searching for new hobbies or finding enjoyment again in something they used to do. It could be anything from crocheting, hiking, or woodworking. You know better than anyone what they enjoy. (Read Why It’s Important to Care About Your Spouse’s Interests)
Reevaluate Your Family’s Schedule
Take some time to sit down and have a conversation about your family’s schedule. List everything for everyone, including work schedules, in-person or virtual school schedules, and other things to consider, like:
- When the kids need more hands-on help
- Mealtime
- When the kids work independently
- When you need to focus on your job (if working from home)
- Family time
Looking at the schedule with clear eyes can help you see patterns. From these patterns, you can make conscious decisions together about how to spend your time and energy.
People are experiencing burnout at all-time high levels, and it’s a tough thing to deal with. Watching your spouse struggle with burnout can make you feel helpless, but you can get through this together. It’s an opportunity to grow closer and remind yourselves that you can’t pour from an empty glass. Make time for the things that fill you up.
Related Resources:
- How Couples Can Help Each Other De-Stress and Improve Their Relationship
- Are You Setting a Good Example of Self-Care for Your Family?
- How to Stay Motivated During Marriage Challenges
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How to Talk About Sex in Marriage
Awkwardness. Uncertainty. Embarrassment. Shame. These common emotions (and others) can keep married couples from talking about sex. You’re not alone if talking about sex with your spouse is uncomfortable. But let’s get real: you’re more likely to have satisfying sex if you talk about it together.
Most couples want to enjoy their sex life, but learning how to talk about intimacy in your marriage can take it to the next level if it’s not where you want it to be. The experts agree. So do most couples who’ve found a way to make the uncomfortable a little more comfortable.
So, how do you talk about sex in your marriage in a sexual-healing-kinda way?
1. Make the sex talk a priority.
It may be uncomfortable or awkward. You may have baggage (most of us do). Your feelings are real, but don’t let your emotions keep you from having a better sex life.
2. Pick a good time to talk.
This isn’t the time to surprise your spouse. Calmly say something like, “I’d like for us to talk about some ways we can improve our sex life. When do you think would be good?” Initiating the topic will give your spouse time to get ready to talk. Then, nail down a time.
*Note: Many experts speak against having this conversation in the bedroom. Take a walk in a park. Sit in a coffee shop. Send the kids outside and find a cozy spot at home.*
3. Eliminate distractions.
This may already be a delicate topic, so you’ll want to be fully engaged and tuned in to each other—no cell phones. And set aside plenty of time.
4. Be specific about your goal.
Maybe you could start with, “I want us to have the best sex life we can have. I’d like for us to talk about understanding each other’s sexual needs.” (You could also say, 🎵🎵 “Let’s talk about sex, Baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be…” 🎵🎵 Thank you, Salt-N-Pepa!)
The Gottman Institute reminds us, “The less direct you are about what you want, the less likely you are to get it.” Tell each other what you want (what you really, really want)!
5. Don’t rush the conversation.
Your spouse may need time to think and express their thoughts, feelings, and desires. Be patient. This leads us to the next point.
6. This isn’t a one-and-done conversation.
You don’t know how many times I’ve replayed conversations with my wife because I thought of something later that would help her understand me. I’m sure she’s done the same. You won’t cover everything in one talk.
7. Listen to understand.
Feeling valued will always be a part of having good lovemaking experiences in your marriage. One way to ensure your partner feels like they matter is to genuinely try to understand them.
8. Encouraging and positive statements will go further than critical or negative ones.
For example, “I like it when you do this” is more helpful than “I hate it when you do this.” Or saying, “I need this from you,” is probably more effective than, “You don’t meet my needs in this way.” Think “I” statements instead of “You” statements.
Talking about sex is not about being right or wrong. It’s about sharing what works, what you like, and what helps you both have fulfilling sexual experiences. Respecting each other’s differences is a must. Different is not deficient—it’s just different.
The more you talk, the better you connect, the less uncomfortable it becomes, and the clearer you’ll understand one another. As the experts say, talking about sex in your marriage increases the likelihood that you’ll be doing something worth talking about later on. But shhh, we don’t kiss and tell.
More great stuff to read about sex in your relationship:
- 3 Ways Good Communication Can Enhance Sex in Your Marriage
- 4 Reasons Why Sex Matters in Marriage
- 3 Ways to Have Better Sex in Marriage
- 10 Things Every Married Couple Needs to Know About Sex
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
