What To Do When Your Spouse Gives You The Silent Treatment
When your spouse gives you the silent treatment, it can be frustrating, painful, and confusing. It happens when one spouse refuses to communicate, ignores, withdraws from, or totally avoids their partner. It may not mean there’s absolute silence. You might still talk about daily tasks like who’s picking up the kids, who’s handling laundry, or dinner. The silent treatment shows that one person is unwilling to address an issue or connect in any meaningful way.
Ouch.
If you’re getting the silent treatment, what do you do?
Process On Your Own
What triggered the silent treatment? When did it start, and what were you discussing? Did something happen that may have been viewed negatively? You may not even know, but thinking about it can help you understand your partner’s perspective.
What’s the goal? Is my spouse trying to punish me, hoping I’ll feel the pain they feel? Are they withdrawing so they can process their own thoughts and emotions? Are they trying to protect themselves?
Processing can help you listen to and better understand yourself and your spouse, but try not to let it cause you to look down on your spouse.
Address it Carefully
Start with Compassion. Often, we use silence when we don’t have or can’t use healthy conflict resolution skills to deal with issues.
Is the silent treatment a healthy approach? No. Especially when it’s used to control or manipulate. It can be abusive. (More on this later.)
Provided this situation is not an abusive use of the silent treatment, remember, this is your spouse — and something sparked the treatment. This doesn’t mean you justify or excuse the behavior. It’s purely recognizing that something caused your spouse emotional pain. And different people respond to pain in different ways.
Speak directly to the issue. You might say something like, “I know you haven’t been talking to me lately. I’d like to discuss what started this. Can we talk?”
Never forget, your body language and tone of voice communicate 93% of your message to your spouse. Getting the words right isn’t as important as having a healthy attitude toward your spouse.
Be Willing to Listen and Understand. When your spouse is ready to talk, put your energy into understanding their thoughts and emotions first. Some people give the silent treatment because they feel unheard. Let your spouse know you want to understand their thoughts, feelings, and their desires.
Model Healthy Skills to Resolve issues. You can’t change your spouse, but you can control yourself. Demonstrating respect, openness, and transparency while working together to resolve conflict can paint a picture of the kind of communication many people crave.
Things to Think About While Talking
Don’t play the blame game. Focus on the ultimate goal: resolving the issue in a healthy way. Using lots of “I” statements and as few “You” statements as possible can keep you from blaming each other and getting distracted.
Own your contributions. Frame it this way in your head. “I understand that I hurt you when I did or said _______.” This focuses on the pain without justifying their response to the hurt. And when appropriate, apologize for the pain you triggered.
Be self-aware of your emotions. Your spouse may express a lot of pent-up emotions. They may flood you with more than you were expecting, but try to keep your emotions from controlling you. Be aware of your feelings as they share. At an appropriate time in the conversation, share. Remember, though, one of the reasons for the silent treatment could be they don’t feel heard.
What if the Silent Treatment Continues?
Know what you can and can’t control. You can’t control how your spouse responds to emotional hurt. But you can control how you respond. You can gently let them know you’re ready to talk when they are. And you can choose to acknowledge the issue without letting it control you.
Don’t badger or nag. You can’t force someone else to talk. Don’t try.
Seek help. If you need to talk to a trusted friend or seek a counselor for your own mental health, it’s worth the effort. If you don’t go together, going alone can be helpful.
When is the Silent Treatment Abuse?
Consistently using silence to control someone can be abuse. Healthline lists the following signs to look for:
- It’s a frequent occurrence and is lasting for longer periods.
- It’s coming from a place of punishment, not a need to cool off or regroup.
- It only ends when you apologize, plead, or give in to demands.
- You’ve changed your behavior to avoid getting the silent treatment.
I don’t recommend the silent treatment as a strategy for solving marriage problems. But a good starting point is to talk with your spouse about how you can resolve conflict in healthy ways. Your spouse may feel like you haven’t heard other attempts to solve problems, and understanding that may help you find better solutions together. It may be something as simple as asking for a timeout and agreeing to discuss later. Or it may take some effort for them to feel you’re an emotionally safe person to talk to. Whatever the case, learning to be compassionate without excusing the behavior may be the trick to eliminating the silent treatment in your relationship.
Other helpful blogs:
- 3 Ways to Be a Better Listener
- How to Communicate Better With Your Spouse
- How to Deal with a Spouse Who Can’t Handle Conflict
- 3 Skills for Managing Conflict in Marriage
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at:1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
What to Do When Your Spouse Doesn’t Meet Your Expectations
Expectations are part of a healthy marriage. But unmet expectations can cause frustration and tension.
You expect something from your spouse.
Maybe you expect them to do something (but they’re not).
Or to not do something (but they are).
Your expectation is for them to live up to a certain standard. And for whatever reason, your spouse isn’t meeting that standard.
So what do you do?
Well, the big question you need to ask is: Why? Why aren’t they living up to the standard you’re hoping for?
Typically, there are three simple reasons a spouse might not meet your expectations:
1. They don’t know or don’t clearly understand what you expect.
I expected my wife to spend a lot of time with me when we were first married, but it didn’t seem to happen much. The problem? She didn’t know what I wanted because I never told her. And I get it; it’s easy to think, but we’ve been married for a while now… they should know me!
Expecting your spouse to read your mind (even after decades of marriage) sets them up for failure and you for frustration. It doesn’t matter how close you are to someone; there’s no substitute for good communication.
Your goal is to clearly and respectfully communicate your expectation to your spouse. When you can both positively focus on the conversation, say something like this:
- Hey, I just want to be sure I’m doing a good job of being clear.
- Do you feel like we clearly understand what we hope to expect of each other?
- Can we talk about what I hope can happen with… (keeping the house clean, spending time with each other, eating better as a family, etc.)?
- Can we work together to make sure these things happen?
- Is there something I can do better to explain my expectations more clearly?
2. Your spouse can’t do what you expect them to do.
The critical question here is: Does your spouse feel like your expectations are realistic?
Here’s a hard truth: Even when you believe your expectations are realistic, if your spouse thinks they aren’t, expectations aren’t going to be met.
Ask yourself, Do I expect my spouse to give me something they don’t think they can provide?
Like their undivided attention right after a stressful day with the kids or at work?
Or a chore that needs to be done to your exact specifications? (Fold the towels this way…)
Or a level of fitness or body type that’s beyond reach?
Maybe you could say something like, I was hoping I could count on you to… But now I’m wondering whether my expectations have been realistic. Can you help me figure this out? Let these questions guide you in a respectful conversation about what you can realistically expect from your spouse.
3. They just flat-out refuse.
When you’ve expressed a realistic expectation clearly, and your spouse says no, what do you do?
I’m going to assume your spouse isn’t refusing just because they’re a stubborn jerk (unless you’re into marrying stubborn jerks). If this is the case, it’s time to seek some professional help.
Refusal to meet expectations may happen because there’s some kind of disagreement about where those expectations are heading. It may indicate they’re dealing with past baggage. Or maybe it suggests that a deeper marital issue needs to be addressed.
Again, this is where an honest conversation with your spouse is helpful. Say something like, I realize you don’t like the thought of (doing whatever your expectation is). Could you help me better understand why, and how we might be able to come to a compromise?
One last thing: After talking through any of the above scenarios, you may not end up having the same expectations you initially brought to the table. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Expectations are part of a healthy marriage. And they shift and morph throughout the marriage journey, but you’ve gotta talk about them. The idea is to maintain expectations that help you both grow stronger as individuals and as a couple.
Other helpful blogs:
- The Difference Between Realistic and Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage
- 4 Things Every Couple Should Know About Communication in Marriage
- How to Communicate Better With Your Spouse
- The Difference Between Sacrifice and Compromise in a Relationship
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at:1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
The Difference Between Realistic and Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage
We all have expectations. We expect the sun to rise and seasons to change (all in one day for those of us in Tennessee). Perhaps we expect our spouse to put their dirty clothes in the hamper. We expect the post office to deliver our mail.
We base our expectations on personal experiences and understanding, often beginning in childhood. They are birthed from how we believe the world works. They may be rational or irrational, realistic or unrealistic. Grounded in truth or fantasy. Based on facts or opinions. Stem from our experiences and decisions.
If we aren’t careful, expectations can negatively impact our marriage. In the National Survey on Marriage in America, the National Fatherhood Initiative reported that 45% of divorced respondents said unrealistic expectations contributed to their marriage ending. That’s almost half of all divorcees surveyed.
Marriage is a partnership, and healthy couples desire what is best for each other. To know what each person needs, you’ll want to communicate often about what you expect. It won’t be a one-time conversation because expectations change with the seasons of marriage.
The first step is to identify what our expectations are. The next step is to recognize what is realistic and what isn’t.
So, what are realistic expectations?
Realistic expectations are those that can be met. You can discuss them and agree about them. Some realistic expectations require compromise. These could be expectations around household chores, sex, and finances, among others.
Here are some examples of realistic expectations:
- Sharing responsibilities around the house. Remember, marriage is a partnership.
- Showing respect to each other. This is crucial and foundational.
- Speaking kindly. Words have power. Uplift each other with words of life.
- Saying “I love you” often. You just can’t say this too much.
- Trusting each other. Trust is essential. If trust is broken, work to repair and heal.
- Honoring each other’s dreams. Our dreams are often different. That’s ok. Encourage each other to chase those dreams.
What about those unrealistic expectations?
Unrealistic expectations are the ones we may not say out loud. They’re the unspoken ones. We somehow expect our spouse to read our minds and know what we want and how we want it done. (Like knowing exactly how to fold towels. Or is that just my marriage?) Sorry to burst your bubble; they can’t read your mind. As much as that would be great, it doesn’t happen.
How do we resolve unspoken expectations? You’ve probably heard this before – communication.
So, we can solve some unrealistic expectations by simply discussing what we each expect in our marriage. Write it down, talk about it, resolve any issues and make a plan to move forward together. Don’t miss that “together” piece. Remember, you’re on the same team.
Let’s be honest. Some expectations are just plain unrealistic and unhealthy.
Here are examples of some unrealistic expectations:
- Your spouse is responsible for your happiness. You alone are responsible for your happiness. You can’t put that responsibility on anyone else; it’s unattainable.
- Your spouse will complete you. Your spouse may complement you, but they don’t complete you. They can’t.
- The person you married will never change. We all change and grow. Hopefully, we grow in healthy ways together. But change is inevitable.
- Your spouse’s life should revolve around you. Each of you is an individual. A marriage is made up of two individuals, loving and caring for one another.
- All of your time should be spent together. We all have different interests, and that’s ok. Your spouse shouldn’t completely ignore you and not spend any time with you. But it’s ok to have other interests and hobbies.
- Your way is the right way. Marriage requires compromise from two different people with different backgrounds and experiences. Compromise in marriage is a beautiful thing.
We all have expectations, but they don’t have to derail a marriage. Come together as partners and communicate what you expect. Keep the conversation going. If one of you is unwilling to compromise or maintains unrealistic expectations, you may need professional help. A counselor who wants to see your marriage succeed can help you work through the tough stuff.
Other helpful blogs:
- How to Deal With Unspoken Expectations
- The Difference Between Sacrifice and Compromise in a Relationship
- 4 Signs Your Marriage is Healthy
- What if My Marriage Doesn’t Make Me Happy?
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at:1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How to Divide Household Chores Fairly in Marriage
Dishes, laundry, yard work, cleaning, cooking… oh my! The chore list is long, and the questions are many.
Who does what? How do we make this fair? Am I doing too much? Why doesn’t my spouse do more?
A big part of marriage is managing and maintaining a house and all the responsibilities a home can bring. So, where do we begin?
Well, let’s rewind the clock to before you said “I Do.” We all enter marriage with expectations. What you may not realize is that those expectations were actually birthed in your childhood, for better or worse. How? To keep it simple, your expectations for managing a house and accomplishing chores are reflective of what you saw and experienced in your home as a child.
Because of this, your view of chores is pretty emotionally-charged. Whether you’re aware of it or not, you probably have an entire belief system around how chores should be accomplished and who should be doing them. This makes marriage tricky because you and your spouse more than likely don’t share the same belief system about chores. Have you talked about how to divide household chores in your marriage?
The thing about expectations is they are often unspoken. If we don’t communicate what we expect, is it fair to get upset when those expectations aren’t met? No. No, it’s not. To avoid the drama, talk about it. Talk about it often.
So, chores aren’t the issue.
The issue is your view of chores. Now we’re getting somewhere. Peeling away those layers like an onion. It’s about mindset.
You may be thinking, “Wait a minute, I came here to figure out how to divide up chores. I want to know who’s cooking, who’s cleaning, who’s doing the dishes. How do we make this fair?”
Your home belongs to the two of you, your family. You are both responsible for its upkeep. You’re a team; you’re in this together.
A 50/50 split is often not a reality. It’s usually not possible. Take into account the wholeness of your marriage as you determine who does what.
I can’t tell you who needs to do what, but here are some ideas to steer the conversation about how to divide household chores. First and foremost, the two of you have to talk about it.
Here are some questions you can ask each other:
- What are the chores? (Make a list of all of them.)
- What are your expectations for _______? (Insert the chore of your choice.)
- What housework do you enjoy doing?
- What are you already doing?
- How often should each chore be done?
- What are you good at?
- What chores are seasonal?
- What’s important to you?
- Does one of you feel more responsible out of concern for how others view your home?
Addressing household chores isn’t a one-time conversation either. It needs to happen often. Different seasons of life bring different responsibilities.
Here are some scenarios to think through as you talk about how to divide household chores fairly:
- You both are working full-time and focused on establishing your careers.
- You are expecting a child or have a child or children. (The seasons of childhood bring so many challenges.)
- One of you works from home.
- One of you is thinking about a career change.
There may be a season where one of you carries more household chores due to other circumstances. No matter what, you need to agree about what works for your family. You’ll want to discuss this often.
Once you divvy up the chore list, acknowledge what you own. To divide the chores means that you have to let go of control. Whoever is responsible owns the task. They aren’t helping out their spouse by doing it; it’s theirs.
There is no formula for fairly dividing household chores. It all begins with a conversation… first with yourself, then with your spouse. The first step is self-awareness and reflection, followed by openness and communication with your spouse. You’re a team, and you can tackle all the chores together.
Other helpful blogs:
How to Be a More Supportive Spouse
You want to get a degree. Your spouse wants to lose some pounds.
You want to stop smoking. Your spouse wants to start gardening.
You want to tap into your artistic talents. Your spouse wants to tap dance.
And you, being the committed, loving spouse that you are, want to be fully supportive.
But, if you’ve had any experiences like mine, you know that the effort to be supportive can sometimes blow up in your face. You said that one thing you thought would be encouraging, but somehow you left limping away after a good lashing. I was only trying to help!
And after licking your wounds, you’re left to wonder: How in the world can I be supportive? Is it even possible?
Well, you can be a supportive spouse if you remember a few things:
Goals are emotionally-charged.
Anything we set out to accomplish carries the risk of setbacks and failure. It’s easy to worry we aren’t going to do what we hope. In turn, our insecurities are on high alert. One small word, one slight inflection in your voice, has the potential to make your spouse feel great or horrible. Awareness of this helps you gauge the kind of support your spouse needs from you.
Understand what your spouse wants from you.
Your idea of support may not be theirs. If your spouse asks you to support them, find out what they mean by support. Ask how they picture you being fully supportive. If they share something they want to accomplish but don’t ask for support, ask, “Is there a way I can support you that would be helpful?”
Hear the kind of support your spouse doesn’t want from you.
There’s encouragement, and then there’s accountability. Both are important. But they’re different. Accountability means your spouse wants someone to check in regularly on their progress and acknowledge with them when they’ve fallen short. Encouragement is cheering them and letting them know you are right beside them in their efforts. You’ve got this. I believe in you. You can do this. I’ve learned that encouragement is almost always a welcome way to support my spouse. Accountability… well, that could be a different story. Ultimately, it’s up to them which they need from you.
Others can often say what a spouse can’t.
There are supportive words my wife’s best friend can say that would not be effective coming from me. She can invite my wife to join her at the gym and be okay; it would only make for an awkward rest of the day if I said it. Your spouse still needs you to support them in ways they feel safe. But it can be good to encourage your spouse to add another person to the support staff.
Compliment the positive changes.
I can remember vividly when my wife told me, “I can tell your stomach is looking flatter.” I was ecstatic. That was years ago, and my stomach is no longer flat. But when I am trying to shorten the waistline some, I think back and remember her words. And it makes me want to try even harder.
Words are powerful.
I can really tell your painting is improving! Your clothes are fitting looser! I noticed you haven’t had a cigarette in two weeks! You’re doing great!
Your spouse needs you to be supportive.
But they need you to support them in a way that’s valuable to them. It’s easy to fall into the trap of showing support with the hope of receiving gratitude. (Oh, sweetie, thank you for telling me I missed leg day; you’re so supportive!) But your support is ultimately there to help your spouse be a better version of themselves as they see it.
Now go compliment them on their development of tap-dancing skills!
Other helpful blogs:
The Weird Technique That Relieves Anxiety & Loneliness
It’s been one year since our lives drastically changed. Schools shifted to virtual learning, many of us were scrambling to set up home offices, and some lost their jobs. Life looks somewhat different today. But we can see the light at the end of the tunnel; there is hope.
With so many drastic changes, 2020 also saw a rise in stress, anxiety, and loneliness. The American Psychological Association reports that 78% of Americans say the coronavirus pandemic is a significant source of stress in their lives. I’m part of that group.
As anxiety and stress increase, self-care is essential, whether that’s through outdoor exercise, getting into nature, yoga, reading more, unplugging from technology, or breathing exercises. I enjoy going for a run. Being outdoors is my go-to. (In cases of extreme stress, anxiety, loneliness, or a psychological disorder, seek the help of a professional.)
If we don’t care for ourselves, we’re unable to care for others.
There are many techniques and practices to help us navigate stress.
Let me introduce you to a method that neuroscientists have found useful. You may already do this and not even realize it’s an actual practice. Enter: havening. Neuroscientist Dr. Ronald Ruden created havening techniques a decade ago. Havening uses gentle touch to the upper arms, hands and face, and constructive messaging to replace stressful responses with healthier ones.
Havening can be as simple as rubbing your hands together, on your face, or through your hair when you feel stress rising. You may do these simple acts without even realizing it. But neurologically, it helps your brain cope with stress.
You may be asking, how does this help? (I know I was).
Havening helps boost oxytocin, a “love hormone” that is typically released through human touch and bonding. Contact is something that we’ve been lacking over the past few months. The hugs, handshakes, and high-fives all help us de-stress. Havening can convince your brain that you are receiving some of this touch.
We are built for community, for relationships, and to do life with other people (in-person, not virtually). This has presented challenges for many as we balance our need to be with people and health concerns. Of course, I’m not suggesting that havening should replace personal contact and touch. But in a world where touch and close proximity is still being limited or feels uncomfortable to many, havening is a great way to calm yourself and the ones you love. It’s also helpful for those who are not comfortable being touched by others.
This technique can also be beneficial for kids, especially as anxiety has risen due to online school and the lack of time with friends. If your child has been struggling with meltdowns, anger, or anxiety due to loneliness, encourage them to pause, take a deep breath, and wrap their arms around themselves in a big bear hug. It may seem weird at first, but practicing havening can help you feel more grounded and connected.
We have learned much over these past 12 months. We’ve learned resilience, flexibility, what’s important, and that we are made for relationships. We’re made to be with other people, and our brains need that connection, along with physical touch.
As we push forward through this pandemic, continue to take care of yourself and your family. If you haven’t already, figure out what reduces your stress and brings you joy. Use havening if you feel out of control or anxious. Put self-care at the top of your to-do list. And if you take up running, I’ll see you out there.
Other helpful resources:
Why Does My Husband Watch Porn?
Your husband watches porn. I’m sure this has caused some mixed feelings within you. Should you be concerned? Or should you be okay with this? Or maybe you’re concerned about how okay you are with it. And you’re not sure how you feel about that.
But your big question is, Why? What’s the allure, the drive, the motivation? Is it something you’re doing or not doing? Regardless, talking about why husbands watch porn isn’t an easy topic. But you’re looking for answers.
I honestly don’t know why your husband looks at porn. But we can narrow it down to what we know is quite common out there among guys.
Before we dive in though, let me tell you what more than likely is not the reason he looks at porn: you. Unless you’re force-feeding him to look at those images online, you are not the reason. It’s nothing you did, or how you are, or the way you do things (or don’t do things) in the bedroom or otherwise.
Take it from a guy who’s been in the struggle. Sometimes, I’ve even put the blame on my wife for my online behavior. Thinking things like, “Well, if she weren’t so tired all the time,” or “I can’t even remember the last time we had sex.” Doing this is easier than facing the reality of my own guilt or shame. So, even if your husband tells you it’s your fault, it’s still his decision to look at porn. Let’s just take that pressure off of you.
Now that we can lay that aside, what are some common reasons happily-married guys look at porn?
They began the habit at an early age.
The younger a guy has his first exposure to pornographic images, the more profoundly it affects him throughout his life.1 Studies have shown that kids exposed to pornography are more likely to want to repeat what they’ve seen without understanding what they’ve seen.2 Think of the weight of that. Their views of sex are easily skewed to focus on power, self-satisfaction, fear, or violence rather than intimacy, connection, and love. If your husband began looking at porn early on as a child, it possibly formed a habit that was harder to kick than if he were first exposed later in life.
Pornography has deep-seated effects on the brain.
Studies show that the physical landscape of the brain actually changes when a guy watches porn.3,4 It creates neural pathways, making it easier to fall into the trap of desiring pornographic images over and over. It’s like paving and repaving a road to make it easier to travel on each time. Chemical processes occur, which researchers have compared to that of cocaine addiction; the reward centers in the brain are in full-tilt, promising euphoric (although temporary) feelings with each “hit.” The bad news is that with each encounter with porn, it takes just a little more “shock” to get the same amount of high as before.5 The good news is the evidence is strong that the brain can be re-rewired to reverse porn’s adverse effects on the brain.6,7,8
He may be caught in a vicious cycle.
For many men, sex is a short-term cure for anxiety, depression, stress, or insecurity.9 The problem is pornography has been shown to increase these negative feelings.10 Here’s the general idea: Your husband views porn to get some relief from, say, anxiety. And it works, but only for a short time. What comes next, however, are feelings of shame and remorse. Shame turns into more anxiety. And he’s back where he started. If your husband is caught in a negative cycle, it might be hard for him to understand how to break out of it.
He just doesn’t know it’s unhealthy.
Sometimes what porn provides masks the damage it does to a person, their brain, and their relationships. It could just be that he’s blind to what porn is doing to him, you, and your marriage.
These four ideas are usually at play among men who watch porn. But reasons why a husband views pornography are complex and differ from person to person.
One thing we know: pornography can be damaging to a person’s mental health and to their marriage. This is why it’s critical to talk to him about his reasons and seek professional help if necessary. Understanding why he watches porn is the first step; keeping your marriage healthy and protecting it is the ultimate goal.
Other Helpful Links:
- What to Do When You Catch Your Husband Watching Porn
- Should I Be Upset That My Husband Watches Porn?
- 9 Warning Signs of Porn Addiction
- How to Find a Good Marriage Counselor
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Sources
1American Psychological Association. (2017). Age of first exposure to pornography shapes men’s attitudes toward women.
2Martellozzo, E., et al. (2016). I wasn’t sure it was normal to watch it: The impact of online pornography on the values, attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours of children. London: NSPCC
3Hilton, D.L. (2013). Pornography addiction – a supranormal stimulus considered in the context of neuroplasticity. https://doi.org/10.3402/snp.v3i0.20767
4Pitchers,K.K., et al. (2013). Natural and drug rewards act on common neural plasticity mechanisms with delta FosB as a key mediator. https://doi.org/10.1523/JNEUROSCI.4881-12.2013
5Love, T., et al. (2015). Neuroscience of internet pornography addiction: A review and update. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs5030388
6Pfefferbaum A., et al. (2014). White matter microstructural recovery with abstinence and decline with relapse in alcohol dependence interacts with normal ageing: A controlled longitudinal DTI study. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2215-0366(14)70301-3
7Yau, Y. H., et al. (2015). Gambling disorder and other behavioral addictions: recognition and treatment. https://doi.org/10.1097/HRP.0000000000000051
8Rullmann, M., et al. (2019). Adiposity related brain plasticity induced by bariatric surgery. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2019.00290
9Perry, S.L. (2018). Pornography use and depressive symptoms: Examining the role of moral incongruence. https://doi.org/10.1177/2156869317728373
10Koob, G.F. (2013). Addiction is a reward deficit and stress surfeit disorder. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2013.00072
25 Fun Dates to Spruce Up Your Marriage This Spring
It’s the time of year for flowers, birds, and butterflies. Spring is known as a time of rebirth after the dormant season of winter. For many, it’s the time for spring cleaning and sprucing up your home, inside and outside. Likewise, making time to spruce up your relationship may be what you need to stir up those butterflies in your stomach, too!
Dating in marriage can bring joy and fun to your relationship and even make it feel new and fresh again as you enter a new season.
This list of date ideas for couples can get you goin’.
- Visit a local u-pick farm. Find a farm that grows your favorite fruit (strawberries, blueberries, etc.)
- Check out a farmer’s market for some garden goodies. You’ve probably got a weekly market with local products you’d enjoy.
- Stargaze. Light your fire pit. Find specific constellations in the spring sky and talk about your dreams for the future.
- Watch a sunset/sunrise together. Take a thermos of coffee. Grab a blanket, find a spot, and snuggle up.
- Go Junking/Antiquing/Yard Saling. Spend $10 on a unique gift for each other.
- Ride bikes.
- Take walks together. It can be in your neighborhood, nature, or park.
- Play games in the park. Pack your frisbee, fly kites, or bring a ball to throw or kick around.
- Plant something together. Think flowers, an herb garden, or trees.
- Have an old-fashioned game night. Card games, board games, or Truth or Dare are good options. Use your imagination.
- Make homemade ice cream. Make your favorite ice cream and have toppings on hand that you like!
- Take a Segway tour, either of your city or a city near you.
- Fill out your own March Madness brackets with friendly wagers either game by game, Sweet 16, Elite 8, Final Four, or national championship. Prizes could be massages, Girls’ or Guys’ Night Out, or maybe the winner gets breakfast in bed.
- Participate in a First Things First Virtual/DIY Date Night.
- Plan a community service date where you focus on helping other people. Join local Meals on Wheels, a food bank, or a community clean-up. Give away stuff you don’t need/use. (Don’t be limited by this list. Let your creative juices flow!)
- Do a spring photoshoot. Take selfies, ask a friend to take pictures, or hire a pro. Go to various locations, such as a parking lot, museum, car lot, or a nature park.
- Visit a winery or distillery. Learn about the process they use and try samples.
- Have a water date. Paddleboarding, a water balloon fight, rafting, swim park, sprinklers/water hose, beach, canoeing, fishing, or kayaking are options.
- Create your own food tour of local eateries. Sample Thai food, pizza, sushi, tacos, hamburger, ice cream, or french fries. Check out places you haven’t tried before!
- Fire up your BBQ grill. Have a grilling contest and eat outdoors.
- Attend a minor/major/little league baseball game. Grab some peanuts and Cracker Jacks…
- Go to a drive-in movie theater. Find one here.
- Plan an “Expand Your Mind” date. Read and discuss a book together. Watch a documentary.
- Zoo date! Visit a nearby zoo or travel to one. You may be able to see newly-born baby animals. (And sometimes the library will let you check out a free pass!)
- Spa date night! Give each other pedicures, back and shoulder rubs, or foot massages. Do facials or take a steamy bath.
Spring is a time for new beginnings. And after the year we’ve had, that may be just what the doctor ordered. These spring date ideas can not only help you have fun with your spouse—they can create a fresh start for your relationship and help you have a stronger marriage all year long.
Have fun!
Other Helpful Links:
