How Couples Can Help Each Other De-Stress and Improve Their Relationship
What would it look like to be completely stress-free in your marriage? Wouldn’t it be outright, utter marital bliss to wake up next to your spouse, depart for the day, rejoin together, and go to bed at night with the one you love the most without an ounce of stress pervading your relationship?
Well, unfortunately, you can’t completely eliminate stress from your life. But you can manage stress and become a stronger couple as a result of it. The idea is to manage stress so that it does not manage you… and do harm to your health, your emotions, and most important of all, your relationship.
What’s a Stressed-Out Couple to Do?
Here are five ways you and the one you love the most can manage stress well… and grow stronger in your marriage at the same time!
Come Together.
Perhaps the Beatles knew something about stress management in marriage. Stress research tells us that one of the best tools to manage stress (if not the best tool) is a strong support system. And you have no better support system than each other. Make spending regular time with each other a priority (without the kids). Talk. Do the fun things you love doing together. Reconnect.
The Big 3: Sleep, Diet, Activity.
The research also tells us that if you want to manage stress and not have it manage you, you’ve got to get plenty of sleep at night (7-8 hours), eat clean and healthy, and get out and work the bod, whether it’s a heavy-duty workout or simply taking a walk. And hey, the Big 3 can be done together! Why is this good? Because you’re each other’s strong support system (see bullet #1).
Be Physically Intimate.
Loving touch lowers the brain chemicals at work when stress builds, and increases those that bring joy, euphoria, and the ability to work yourself down the ladder of high stress. Cuddle on the couch. Hug each other daily. Give (and receive) back rubs. Hold hands. Lay your hand on their leg or shoulder. Yes, even those seemingly small non-sexual touches can make a tremendous difference in how well you handle stress. And sex? Yeah, that works, too. Let’s just say that having a strong support system has never been so much fun (see bullet #1).
Ease Up On The Schedule.
If your calendar is filled up from dawn to the wee hours of the night with work, projects, responsibilities, and demands, you probably aren’t leaving much margin for your brain to snap out of fight/flight/freeze. Give yourself space in your schedule just to be, especially at night when you’re winding down. Practice the fine art of saying “NO.” Find joy in writing in your calendar times to connect with your spouse. Or to nap. Or to have sex. Seriously.
Make Self-Care a Priority.
The idea of “self-care” has been getting a lot of airplay in blogs, videos, and self-help books, but for good reason: it’s good to take care of yourself. Because here’s the thing: how can you take care of your marriage (and your spouse) if you don’t have anything to give? Self-care includes deliberate actions you take with the express purpose of taking care of your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. So… get some sunshine. Journal. Meditate. Do yoga. Fish. Take a nap. Pray. Read. Cuddle with your pet. Practice positive self-talk (I tell my college students to think about what they would love for people to say to them to lift them up, and then just say it to themselves). Enjoy a piece of chocolate cake (in moderation, of course). The bottom line: do what works for you to rejuvenate and care for yourself.
One more interesting thing about stress that you and your spouse really need to know …
*(Fair warning: this gets a little psycho-babble, but bear with me here!)*
There’s a chemical in your brain called oxytocin. It’s gained popularity, becoming known as the “cuddle hormone.” It’s released when moms give birth, when dads look on their newborn for the first time, when a couple is on a first date, and when two people have sex. It makes you want to get closer to another person, to bond, connect, be intimate.
Kate McGonigal, a Stanford health psychologist and author of The Upside of Stress, shares the real low-down on oxytocin: it’s a stress hormone. That’s right: it’s released when you experience something that stresses you out. Why? (And this is really cool…) This is your brain’s way of letting you know that you need to connect with someone (like, um, your spouse maybe?) to best manage the stress.
You may not like stress, but it’s not going anywhere. But stress can be managed to where it doesn’t wreak havoc on your marriage. And you and your spouse have the power to use stress, and the brain with all its many wonderful processes, to draw closer to each other and strengthen your marriage.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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Why Do Couples Stop Talking?
When you got married, did you imagine endless conversations and an unending exchange of thoughts, ideas, dreams, and emotions? Fast forward a few years down the road and now you find yourself sitting in the bed or eating a meal together in sheer silence, feeling disconnected from each other…
Finding yourself in this place isn’t that unusual. Many couples experience times in their marriage where the talking to each other seems to stop. However, like anything else in marriage, conversations do take a little extra intentionality than when you first began. To start talking again, it helps to understand some of the reasons you may have stopped talking in the first place.
Here are 10 reasons couples stop talking and a few ways you can spark the conversations again:
1. You’re just out of words.
It’s easy to run out of things to talk about. At times it’s okay not to be talking each other’s ears off.
The ebbs and flows of marriage will often self-correct this situation. Conversation starters can begin casual conversations that get you below the surface and learning new things about your spouse. Sometimes sitting and simply enjoying each other’s presence, taking a stroll down memory lane, or embarking on new adventures all aid toward a new batch of conversation.
2. You’re tired and busy.
Life stacks up, and all of a sudden you find yourself lying in bed at the end of the day too exhausted to connect.
Stop, take a timeout, gain control of your schedule, and consider your priorities. Give yourselves the margin to gain your energy back and reconnect again.
3. You’re tired of having the same conversation over and over again with no resolution.
You know the argument… the one that never ends and neither of you can seem to agree or feel heard. You both feel like your feelings are being invalidated. This affects anything else you talk about, causing tension to build. Instead of saying the same things over and over, you choose to remain silent.
Giving attention to make sure you’re addressing the real issue and not just the symptoms may be the first step in removing the roadblock to your communication.
4. You live separate lives.
You work, exercise, talk to your set of friends, and golf. Your partner works, is a wine-tasting connoisseur, talks to their set of friends, and plays video games. You’re not sharing time, experiences, or interests.
Begin doing something together: cooking, hiking, puzzles, learning a new skill together, etc. It sparks conversations, creates memories, and cultivates curiosity in your relationship..
5. There’s a lack of emotional safety in your relationship.
You don’t feel cared for or like you matter. When you do share, you feel judged, misunderstood, criticized, or dismissed. To prevent experiencing the sense of rejection, you shut down.
Have an open, honest conversation about how you’re made to feel when you share. Gently give specifics about comments made or expressions that hurt. Share with your spouse what an emotionally safe space feels like.
6. No one is taking the first step.
Neither of you wants the responsibility of initiating a conversation about what may be causing the lack of communication.
Choose to take the lead in meaningful conversation. Just like leading a dance, when one person leads, the other typically falls into rhythm and follows along.
7. Technology has taken over.
Distracted by the phone, social media, and all the technology trappings?
Consider phone-free and tech-free time just for the two of you to connect.
8. You’re ignoring the elephant in the room.
There’s a topic that needs to be brought out in the open, and it’s causing the potential for any other point of connection to be shut down.
There’s only one solution for this: have the hard conversation; but, make a commitment to discuss it in a healthy, respectful way. Remember to affirm each other’s opinions and feelings.
9. One of you is an introvert and the other is an extrovert.
If an extroverted partner doesn’t leave room for the introvert to talk… pretty soon, the introvert just gives up.
Discuss each other’s communication styles and how you can ensure that both of you have your thoughts and feelings heard and understood.
10. There is anger or unresolved conflict present.
Something has happened in the past which causes you or your spouse pain. And this pain short-circuits any kind of meaningful conversation you could have with your spouse.
Whatever has happened needs to be addressed in a safe environment. Each person’s pain needs to be validated. Seeking professional help may be the best option.
There are lots of reasons why couples stop talking, but you don’t want this to become the norm. You are always in the process of either connecting or disconnecting in marriage; there’s no such thing as maintaining the status quo. Reflect back on why you married your spouse in the first place and become a student of your spouse; there is always more to learn about them, and therefore, always more to talk about.
Understanding the reason you stopped talking in the first place can be the first step to reconnecting again. Ironically, talking together about why you aren’t talking can be the start of a beautiful dance. The goal to reconnect on a deeper level just might be, at the moment, the one thing both of you can talk about.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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Note: You don’t have to be a newlywed to play this game!
If the phrase “distance makes the heart grow fonder” is starting to make a whole lot of sense to you, this date night game just might be what you need! Now’s the time to get comfy with your love and place this list of questions in between the two of you. Warning: Things may get steamy…
Supplies Needed:
- Two white boards or two notebooks/large pieces of paper
- Two writing utensils
Instructions for The Newlywed Game:
- Take turns reading each of the questions below out loud.
- After the question is read, both of you write down your answer on your own piece of paper.
- Once you’ve both finished writing, count to three and reveal your answer!
- If you both got the answers right, give each other a kiss! If you got the answer wrong, lose an article of clothing.
- Go through the questions for as long as you can! 😉
The Questions:
- I feel closest to you when we…
- What’s my favorite type of kiss?
- What kind of music gets me in the mood?
- What color underwear am I wearing?
- On an average day, how many times do I think about sex?
- What’s my biggest turn on?
- What’s my biggest turn off?
- What would be the easiest thing for me to give up for a month: TV, coffee or sex?
- What color looks the best on me?
- What’s my favorite body part to be kissed?
- What body part am I most proud of?
- What’s one thing you’ve done this month that makes me proud?
- What attracts me to you the most?
- What scent do you wear that I absolutely love?
- Where is the craziest place we’ve had sex?
- What’s my best foreplay move?
- How often do I wish we had sex?
- My favorite thing to do together is…
- What am I thinking about right now?
- What’s my favorite thing you do for me?
- Do I prefer to take the lead or follow your cues?
- Do I like shower sex?
- Have I ever skinny dipped?
- How old was I when I had my first kiss?
- Do I enjoy sex more with the lights on or off?
- What’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever done for you?
- What’s my favorite physical trait of yours?
Looking for some more date night ideas? Check out all of our at-home dates here!
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5 Ways to Be More Present When Talking to Someone
Have you ever been in the presence of someone who was supposed to be listening to you and even though they’re looking you straight in the eyes, you 100% knew they were not really present with you? Not a very good feeling is it?
There is really an art to being present and engaged with someone. We all want it from others, but sometimes we aren’t great at doing it for them.
Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh once said: “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence.” So, when we are asked if we are listening or paying attention to our spouse, children, friends, or co-workers, it’s a serious question. Think about that a second.
Want to be successful and valued at work and at home—really anywhere? Be present with who you are with and who you are talking to. I know you’re gonna say, “But I am present—I’m standing right next to them!” That’s the easy part of being present. The hard part is being mentally present.
It’s impossible to be mentally present with someone when we are full of our own thoughts. Our minds are usually rethinking the past or wondering about the future. A study by Harvard University psychologists concluded that we spend 46.9% of our waking hours thinking about something other than what we’re doing. In conversations, we are often waiting for our chance to speak, thinking of something interesting to say, or thinking about our appearance and the impression we are making.
We aren’t listening. We aren’t present. Be mindful of the moment you’re in.
Here are five ways to be more present when talking to someone:
1. Listening.
I used to think of listening as just hearing. Then I thought of listening as a skill. Now, I realize listening is a skill and a choice. Listening is choosing to block out distractions, choosing to empty my mind of clutter, choosing to focus on the speaker, and choosing to let them know they are heard.
Putting It Into Practice: Put your phone away. Stop thinking about what is going on around the speaker. Don’t think about what you want to say. Ask questions like, “Tell me more about that.” “Are you saying…” “How did that make you feel?”
2. Body Language.
Do you look like you are present? Do you look like you’re listening? Your body is sending signals about how engaged you are and even how much you care about what is being said.
Putting It Into Practice: Face the speaker. Make eye contact. Avoid crossing your arms, slouching, and sighing. And of course, keep that phone away.
3. WAIT (Why Am I Talking?)
Our own self-talk or mental dialogue is the biggest enemy of being present and listening. “What am I going to say next?” “Do I have a thought or story as good as that one?” “That can’t be right because…” In the meantime, we have mentally disengaged from the conversation. Be attuned to the ebb and flow of conversations. Listen for the right time to ask questions or take your turn speaking.
Putting It Into Practice: Be interested—not concerned about being interesting. Don’t interrupt or talk over someone. Take turns speaking and listening. This may sound kind of crazy, but since my mind has a tendency to wander, I try to write down words or statements while they are talking that I don’t want to forget so I can fully focus on what the person is saying without getting distracted trying to remember a point that was made. It has made a huge difference in my ability to be present.
4. Multitasking.
“I know research says we aren’t good at multitasking, but I really am!” No, you’re not. At least not when it comes to being present and listening. Multitasking causes us to miss so many moments. The truth is we cannot do multiple things effectively—so pick one thing and do it with gusto. Being present with the people in our lives—what is more important than that?
Putting It Into Practice: Close the laptop. Put the mixing spoon down. Get out from under the hood of the car. Pause the TV show or video game. It’s okay to say, “Give Daddy two minutes to finish this email, and then I’ll be able to give you my complete full attention.” Exception: It’s been shown that for hard conversations, doing an activity together like walking or golf or even riding in a car actually helps facilitate a difficult talk.
5. Mindfulness.
This isn’t anything fancy. It’s just self-awareness. Minding your mind. Minding your body. Being aware of what you’re thinking and doing. Being aware of your breathing. This is really the foundation of being present with people and in the moment with them. It takes practice and patience, but you’ll learn to be present.
Putting It Into Practice: Learn to ask yourself questions: What am I thinking and why? What is my body saying? Is my breathing telling me I’ve slowed down to listen? Where is my focus? Am I present in this moment?
Being present requires a great deal of humility and self-control. I think that’s why we’re so rarely actually present with others. We can’t get out of our own way. We’re always thinking about what we’re about to say or what we need to get done. Many people get stuck thinking about their past or their future. Think about the present. Be in the moment. Practice a few of these tips to be more present with people and see the difference it makes. You can do it!
5 Things To Do When You Feel Disconnected From Your Spouse
Two Things:
1. This is a common thing in marriage.
Sometimes the culprit is busy schedules that have you going in different directions. Sometimes your spouse might be in a funk or preoccupied with a project at work. Maybe you had a spat. Feeling disconnected occasionally is totally normal. Marriage has ups and downs and peaks and valleys. Don’t sweat this, but be proactive. You’ve noticed it—let’s do something about it!
2. You are going to love courageously.
Maybe you are usually kinda timid, not an initiator, a little passive, or just not one for romantic gestures. (Maybe you’re none of those things.) Either way, this is gonna be great!
Let’s have some fun!
- Count how many times you pick up your phone in a given hour or just guesstimate. (I average about five or six times an hour.)
- You love your spouse more than your phone. (Right?!)
- Your challenge is to do at least that many things to connect with your spouse during the next couple of days. (I’m gonna give you tons of ideas.)
- If you’re a heavy phone user, just think of all that romance! 😘
Keep In Mind…
- You know you.
- You know your spouse.
- Some ideas might not be your “style” or their kinda thing.
- So what? We’re shaking it up for you to broaden the “bandwidth” of how you connect. We are loving courageously!
Things You Can Say When You Feel Disconnected
- “Have I told you lately how much I like your _____?” (Pick a favorite body part.)
- “Tonight, we’re going to bed early. You’re getting a massage.”
- “Thank you so much for how you _____. I don’t ever want to take it for granted.”
- “My funniest memory of us is _____. What’s yours?”
- “What is something around the house I could help you with more?”
*Check out this website for ways to start connecting convos with your spouse.
Things You Can Text When You Feel Disconnected
- You’re the best mom/dad ever!
- Meet me tonight. 8 pm. Our bedroom.
- I’m grateful for how hard you work.
- I want all of you, forever.
- Tonight: No kids! No undies! No rules!
*Check out this website for more connecting texts.
Things You Can Do When You Feel Disconnected
- Send them a link in the middle of the day to a song that makes you think about them.
- Walk up to your spouse and give them a long hug.
- Get naked and invite them into a hot shower with you.
- Do a chore or task around the house that they hate.
- Start a Couple Bucket List.
Things You Can’t Do
During the next couple of days of connectivity, there are a few things you need to avoid:
- No complaining about your spouse or criticizing them.
- No preoccupation with your phone when you’re together. Give them ALL your attention.
- No sitting at opposite ends of the couch. Snuggle up!
- No doing any of these things looking for anything in return.
✦ You have your challenge! Feel free to come up with your own things. After a couple of days of this, I’m gonna bet you feel more connected. In the future, fight through disconnection when you feel it. It usually only takes some little things, not grand romantic gestures. Disconnection, left too long, only gets worse. You got this!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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How To Have More Meaningful Conversations With Your Spouse
Much of your talk with your spouse is “business” talk. Sure, it’s stuff that has to be discussed so things run smoothly around the house day to day, but you really wish you had more meaningful conversations with your spouse. How do you move from “business” talk to deeper, meaningful conversations about your marriage, the health of your family, feelings, needs, and hopes? Meaningful conversations build intimacy and keep you and your spouse connected.
You need them and you definitely can have them!
Let’s look at the common roadblocks to meaningful conversations and how to remove them.
Roadblock 1. Busyness.
Conversations have a better chance of being meaningful if you and your spouse aren’t tired, distracted, or constantly interrupted. Pick a good time to talk. You may have to schedule some talk-time or get on a regular date-night schedule. Build margin into your day—maybe you both get up a little earlier so you can talk over breakfast or coffee. Maybe you go to bed a little earlier than usual so there is time for some pillow talk. Try having some “phone-free” zones set up in your day and week. Get out of “survival mode” and don’t let your day “happen to you.”
Bottom Line: Be intentional. Carve out time for meaningful conversation to happen.
Roadblock 2. Nobody Is Leading.
Take the lead in guiding conversations to deeper levels. They say there are usually three levels to typical conversations:
(3.) Talking about people. (Co-workers, friends, the kids, neighbors.)
(2.) Talking about events. (The news, the kids’ soccer games, what happened at work.)
(1.) Talking about ideas. (Feelings, needs, dreams, expectations, frustrations.)
Someone has to step up and make sure that conversations get down to Level 1. This might involve you being transparent, vulnerable, and opening up. Your spouse might meet you there.
Bottom Line: Be patient and keep setting the example by modeling the behavior you want to see more often. Here are 200 conversation starters for couples to take you deeper.
Roadblock 3. You’ve Had The Same Conversation A Million Times.
This is very common. You’re not alone. Some couples just kinda run out of stuff to talk about and they default to, “How was your day… whatcha got going on this week… anything new at work?” This can become a little cliché. (The answers, by the way, are “Good… the usual… no.”)
YOU NEED NEW STUFF TO TALK ABOUT! Consider taking up a hobby together. Have a book club just between the two of you. Start listening to some podcasts, TED Talks, or audiobooks.
Bottom Line: Stretch yourself. Be a lifelong learner and you’ll find more meaningful things to talk about.
Roadblock 4. Not Having Family Meetings or Regular Check-In Times.
Write this down: Sunday Nights @ 8:30. This is the time set aside for you and your spouse to check in with each other and keep your fingers on the pulse of your marriage. Take turns talking and listening to each other. No interrupting. The speaker can air whatever is on their heart. (Pro-Tip: Use “I” Statements instead of “You Statements.” “I feel – I need – I think…” This usually goes over better than, “You always… you never… your mother…”) BONUS: Use this time to decide if you need to call a family meeting and what you need to talk about during it.
Bottom Line: Again, prioritize the time. Put it on the schedule. You will be having a healthy, two-way dialogue about meaningful things in no time.
Roadblock 5. You Need To Improve Your Listening Skills
There. I said it. Do you and your spouse not have meaningful conversations because you dominate the conversation, interrupt, make it all about you, or don’t give your spouse your full attention? Are you more of a “talker” and your spouse is more of a “listener?” Are you the extrovert and your spouse is more introverted? All of this will impact the quality of your conversations. Learn “active listening skills.” Ask open-ended questions. Become curious about your spouse. (Check out this article on active listening skills—especially the Six Levels of Listening.) Are you an external processor—you need to talk to figure out what you think? Is your spouse an internal processor—they need to think for a while to figure out what to say?
Bottom Line: Notice the differences in how you both communicate and respect those differences. There is no one right way.
Roadblock 6. Avoidance
Is there an issue or incident that has caused you or your spouse to clam up? Maybe there was a major breach of trust, someone may have done something incredibly hurtful, a fight or argument may have never been settled, or there is a major issue you both know you completely disagree on and frequently fight about. Avoidance is not allowing conversations to reach a meaningful level because it might go there. It might stir an issue back up with all of its associated emotions.
If you want meaningful conversations, you are both going to have to face this and deal with it constructively to the satisfaction of each of you. After this hurdle, meaningful conversations should start flowing again.
Bottom Line: If it were that easy, you probably would have dealt with it by now. It might be time to call in the pros and let a reputable, qualified marriage counselor guide you both through this process.
★ Look, here’s the thing, you and your spouse might have huge differences in your definitions of “meaningful.” This might be where you need to start. Here comes a big fat fancy word: “metacommunication.” It just means “talking about talking.” All you might need is to have a talk about how you talk. Come up with a shared definition of “meaningful.” Talk about both of your communication needs and expectations. Check it out—you’re having a meaningful conversation!
Further Reading
KEYS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE
HOW TO INCREASE COMMUNICATION IN YOUR HOME
6 WAYS POOR COMMUNICATION CAN AFFECT YOUR MARRIAGE
3 GREAT DATES TO ENHANCE COMMUNICATION IN YOUR MARRIAGE
THE MAGIC OF COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE E-BOOK
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
All the kids have gone to sleep. You and your spouse are lying in the bed and… Silence. You can’t think of anything you want to say, though there’s probably a lot of things you’d like to say. This is happening quite often. There are more and more moments where you and your spouse are together and there’s just silence—while you’re in the car together, eating a meal, or even on the phone when you’re apart. You feel disconnected from one another. Is it possible to start talking with your spouse again?
How do you break the silence and start talking to your spouse again?
1. Do something together.
Shared experiences can provide great conversation starters. Hiking, playing tennis, taking a dance class, and attending events together create shared interests and experiences that lead to discussions about what each of you saw, heard, and think about what you’re encountering. Dr. Howard Markman, co-director of the University of Denver’s Center for Marital and Family Studies, says their research indicates the more you invest in fun, friendship, and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over time. Getting out, having fun, and investing in your marriage has shown to help increase communication within marriage.
2. Put your marriage before the children.
You can get so busy tending to the needs of your children, work, and community that the connection in your marriage suffers. Next thing you know, the only time you talk is to discuss administrative tasks like who’s taking who where and what time they need to be picked up. According to Dr. Paul Pearsall, author of Super Marital Sex, “The marriage comes first. All other people and events come after the marriage. Children, parents, work, and play all benefit most by marital priority instead of marital sacrifice because the marriage is the central unit to all other processes.”
3. Be curious about your spouse.
Take an interest and ask them about their dreams, goals, and future desires. Ask them about the most impactful experiences in their childhood they believe frame who they are today. When you focus on learning and getting to know your spouse, you may hear about their secret fears and struggles. Look for those moments where you find yourself saying, “We’ve been married all this time and I never knew that about you!”
4. Put questions in a hat and pull out one or two each day.
Look through the internet for questions to ask your spouse. Write them down on a slip of paper and put them in a hat. Each night before bed, pick one or two. Have a real discussion about the question. Some questions can take you down memory lane while others may cause you to reflect on yourself or the marriage.
5. Listen to your spouse.
We all have a desire to be known, respected, valued, and understood. If we don’t feel like we are being heard so that we can be known, then your solution may be to shut down and withdraw. Be to your spouse what you’d like them to be to you. Help your spouse realize that you want to know and understand them.
6. Use daily points of connection.
Dr. Linda Duncan, researcher and Professor Emeritus at Tarleton State University, reveals four powerful points of connectedness between couples. Paying attention to how you connect when you wake up, how you depart for work/school for the day, how you reconnect after being apart, and when you go to sleep can affect how you engage one another in conversation. Making this part of your routine provides a consistent opportunity for the two of you to connect.
7. Seek help.
Are there unresolved issues you continue to rehash with no solution? Maybe you keep having the same conversation over and over? Talking to a trusted couple or seeking out a good marriage counselor may help you work through the unresolved issues that are stifling communication in your marriage.
Many couples experience times within a marriage where they seem to have nothing to say to one another. This is not necessarily a sign that you’ve run out of things to talk about or that the marriage is falling apart. Being intentional about pushing through those times can launch your marriage into new levels of intimacy and connectedness. Now that’s something to talk about.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
What if I told you that your perception of your spouse—whether you see them in a positive or negative light—determines your total marriage satisfaction both now and in the future?
And then, what if I said your perception of your spouse is something you have the power to determine?
It doesn’t take much to put us on a track where we see everything our spouse does or says as negative. Perception is our reality and it picks up momentum. It’s like the proverbial snowball that begins rolling down a hill. One annoyance, one disagreement, one little thing your spouse says that rubs you the wrong way can cause a perpetually growing snowball of thinking the worst of your spouse.
Of course, at times bigger things are at play, especially if there’s been a major incident that compromises the trust of your marriage. But assuming these incidents are fewer and farther in between, it’s safe to say that a negative outlook on your spouse is something that reinforces itself over time.
It turns out, the way spouses perceive each other has so much to do with both present and future marital satisfaction. In a recent groundbreaking study, Samantha Joel and Paul Eastwick, in collaboration with many other researchers, found that what mattered most in a happy, healthy marriage included perceived partner commitment (which ranked top of the list), appreciation for one’s partner, and perceived partner satisfaction. In other words, if I believe my spouse is truly committed to and happy with our marriage, and if I appreciate them (and if they feel the same way), then our chances for marital satisfaction are much, much greater.
☆ Fine. Wonderful. But what if I don’t perceive my spouse in these ways?
Then there is some work to do. But the good news is, with diligence and perseverance, it’s possible to change your perception.
Below are seven ways to stop assuming the worst about your spouse. But one caveat needs to be made before working through these: changing your perspective is a mental exercise. And like any exercise, it needs to be practiced consistently before you start seeing results.
- Ask: What led you to start assuming the worst about your spouse? Can you narrow it down to an incident or a season of life? What was going on during that time? Were you experiencing feelings of stress, sadness, anger, grief, or pain? Reflecting on what started the snowball can shed light on the origins of negative thoughts and provide a frame of reference for how to change them. Even if you can’t pinpoint how the negative thoughts started, you can still work to change them.
- Practice gratitude. Research has shown that when we consciously consider all that we are thankful for and express that gratitude, our emotional and relational health improves. So ask yourself: What are the qualities I truly appreciate about my spouse? What positive contributions do they make to our relationship? And then, thank them. Express your thankfulness to them on a daily basis. It might help to keep a daily gratitude log, with each day’s entry simply finishing the sentence, “Today I am thankful for my spouse because…” Exercising gratitude is a very significant tool for eliminating negative thoughts about your spouse.
- Change the climate of your relationship. Make it your mission to connect more with your spouse. Create opportunities for simply being together, having calm, easygoing conversations, laughing and joking. Here’s a great idea: Ask your spouse out on a date. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but put effort into it and romance your spouse. Regular doses of courtship and connection can help change a negative perception and help you stop assuming the worst about your spouse.
- Keep your own health in check. Many times negative thoughts (about anything) emerge from the fact that we aren’t taking care of ourselves, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally. And then those negative thoughts quickly find a target, usually the person closest to us. Adopt a lifestyle of self-care. Eat clean, get plenty of sleep, and get in some regular physical activity. Get outside more and absorb some sunshine.
- Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques. Stimulate your thinking with books, articles, or educational videos. Throw away negative self-talk and mental put-downs, and start affirming yourself. Keep in mind that these aren’t just shallow, feel-good therapeutics. Self-care is a lifestyle that can improve your relationship with your spouse.
- Avoid negative talk, exaggerated talk, and the comparison game. All three of these serve to push that snowball of negative thinking faster and faster down the hill. Do everything you can to withhold negative comments, name-calling, and hostile sarcasm, even in the face of conflict. Practice healthy conflict-resolution techniques and take a time-out when necessary. Avoid using phrases such as You never… or You always… And be especially careful not to measure your spouse up against the people you see on television or social media. Those images don’t reflect reality (even on reality shows), which means your spouse would never be able to win that comparison game.
- Avoid scorekeeping. One sure-fire way of growing the negative-thought snowball is to keep reflecting back on all the wrongs and annoyances (no matter how big or small) that your spouse has committed in the past. And if you want to make matters even worse, keep reminding them of those wrongdoings. But, if you want to stop assuming the worst about your spouse, practice forgiveness, let the past go, and move on. This does not mean you don’t learn from the past or simply forget it. It does mean you choose not to let past events control the lens through which you see your spouse.
- Practice empathy. A good bit of research tells us that the practicing empathy does a lot for relationship health and how we think of our spouse. Empathy helps you to consider what it’s like to be in your spouse’s shoes, to take on their feelings, and spark compassionate action. This keeps your negative assumptions and thoughts toward your spouse in check. When you begin to think the worst about your spouse, stop and seek to understand what’s going on in their mind and heart at the moment.
I’m not going to lie. Trying to stop assuming the worst of your spouse isn’t easy. Sometimes it feels more like trying to stop an avalanche rather than a snowball. But if you make a regular practice of the above exercises—not just try them out, but dive into them with grit and determination—you’ll place yourself well on the road to changing your perspective and boosting your marriage satisfaction to the next level.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
