3 Ways Good Communication Can Enhance Sex In Marriage
What if I told you you could say some magic words that would take your sex life to the next level in your marriage?
Let’s try it. Ready? Say them aloud slowly and clearly:
Koh-mew-nick-hey-shon.
Did it work?
Probably not. Magic words don’t really work that way.
But there’s good news! There is something that can bring your marital sex life to the next level! (And it’s magical, in a sense!) Communication.
Lots of research has shown us how communication and sexual satisfaction in marriage are positively linked.
How you talk to each other could determine how fulfilling your bedroom activities are. Here’s why:
- Good communication in marriage is conditional; it depends on using effective communication skills in a healthy way.
- Good marital sex is conditional; it depends on setting the right atmosphere that good communication provides.
Public Service Announcement: We have to make a distinction between good marital sex and, well, just sex. Any couple can “do the deed.” No communication needed for that. But you do need healthy communication for you and your spouse to have fulfilling, satisfying, amazing, bring-two-bodies-and-two-hearts-together-makes-our-marriage-stronger kind of sex.
I think you get the picture…
So, with that simple but very important concept in mind, here are three ways good communication can enhance sex in marriage:
1. Good communication gives you a greater sense of connection, closeness, trust, and intimacy, which spells out better sex later on. Good communication is great foreplay.
Author and speaker Dr. Gary Chapman tells us that, because satisfying marital sex depends so much on other areas in our marriage being healthy, foreplay doesn’t begin once you hop into bed. It starts way before. It’s how you handled that tough morning conversation, the deep discussion you had over coffee, the laughter you shared. All of these interactions throughout the day set the stage for what happens in the bedroom at night.
Put It Into Practice! Read up on some resources for more meaningful conversations in your marriage, including this and this. If you want to go into a deep dive for deeper communication, work through this fun online communication course as a couple.
2. Good communication increases vulnerability. Baring it helps you bare it all!
“Bear” with me on this (pun totally intended).
Marital sex is often a reflection of how other relationship exchanges with our spouse go down, including how you communicate. So, if your points of communication include moments when you feel like you can “bare it all,” (you can share your true feelings, thoughts, and needs) then this helps you to feel more vulnerable and open in the bedroom. It increases your ability to feel secure with your body and to “let go” a little when having a fun romp with your spouse.
Put It Into Practice! Incorporate “deeper level” questions into your conversations:
- What are the top 3 things you need from me in our relationship?
- What is a dream you would love to see fulfilled (no matter how unrealistic)?
- Who’s had the greatest influence on you as a person?
- When do you feel the most loved by me?
3. Good communication about sex can enhance sex. So… talking about sex leads to better sex!
Studies tell us sexual communication among couples—discussing what they like, what they don’t like, what’s a turn-on, what positions they enjoy, and so on—is linked to satisfying marital sex.
Couples often need to work through the awkwardness they might feel with sexual communication. It’s important to remember this is a process. The more you engage in sexual communication, the more natural it becomes. Sexual communication both increases connectedness and improves what goes on in the bedroom.
Put It Into Practice! Schedule a regular weekly time to talk about sex. Focus on a specific question each time, like:
- What gets you in the mood?
- Which things turn you on about me?
- What positions feel the best for you?
- What kind of foreplay (besides good communication, of course!) sets the stage for you?
- What’s something new you’d like to try in the bedroom?
There are no magic words you can just say to make sex more mind-blowing. But over time, the words you say, the communication you share between you and your spouse, can make marital sex more magical. Try some of these practices this week. Make them a habit and watch the magic move from words to the bedroom.
Great articles for improving your marital communication:
- Communicating Effectively
- Keys to Effective Communication in Marriage
- 6 Tips to Have a Difficult Conversation with Your Spouse
- The Importance of MeaningLESS Conversations
- Talk to Me Like Lovers Do – Date Night Video
- 10 Things Every Couple Needs to Know About Sex
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
DIY Date Night: Tree Traditions
Whether you’re sticking to the “rule” of not putting any Christmas decorations up until after Thanksgiving or you have had your tree up since October, this date night is for you! The Christmas Tree is the centerpiece of many traditions. But why not start a new tradition for it this year? Just pick one of the options below and get started!
If you don’t have your tree up yet…
- This date night is all about silliness, laughter, and getting to know your love a little deeper!
- For every ornament you put on the tree, you have to ask one question to your honey. It can be about them, about you, about your relationship, about the world, or anything else.
- Check out the list of questions below to get you started.
If you already have the tree up…
- Start a tradition of making ornaments together!
- To take it up a notch and choose a theme for your ornaments. They can be representative of how the year was, you could do woodland animals, or maybe something about a hobby you share!
- You can make the ornament using things you have in the house or that you find outside or go to a craft store to pick up some supplies.
- Check out this long list of ideas to get some inspiration!
- Use the list of questions below to help spark conversation throughout the date night and help you two connect deeply!
Questions to ask throughout the date night…
- What’s your favorite Christmas memory?
- How did your family celebrate Christmas when you were growing up?
- What traditions from your family do you want to carry on?
- When did you first know you loved me?
- When did you last feel cheerful?
- Would you say our relationship has changed you at all? In what ways?
- If you could celebrate Christmas with anyone in the world—living or dead—at any location in the world, who and where?
- How did I first get your attention?
- What was your favorite Christmas gift so far?
- What’s the best part of Christmas to you?
- Do you have any significant memories of us around the holidays?
- Which is better: Thanksgiving or Christmas?
- Do you have a favorite ornament?
Want more date night ideas? Check out all of our DIY, virtual date nights, and premium marriage events here!
5 Ways to Keep Circumstances From Stealing Your Joy at the Holidays
Whew! What a year it has been. We’ve all been through the wringer and it looks like this will be our reality for a while. How do we handle such hard stuff and not let circumstances steal our joy, especially around the holidays?
I grew up with a brother who had many special needs. Every single day posed some kind of challenge to him. While he was never supposed to live past 30, he passed away at 56. Because of his life circumstances, he had every reason not to be joyful, yet he was one of the most joyful, funny people I’ve ever known. I’m thinking I could take a cue or two from him about navigating hard times without letting them steal my joy. As we approach the holidays, here are some things Lee taught me about finding joy when life is hard that may be helpful for you, too.
1. Don’t let circumstances dictate your mindset.
Even in the worst situations, it is possible to have joy because you can choose it. What amazed me about Lee was although he had bad days, they were always the exception to the rule. I don’t remember my mom saying to him, “You are going to be happy,” and that wouldn’t have worked anyway. Somehow, he was able to look past all of his daily challenges and experience joy. Boy, do I want that! The holidays may not go like we want or plan for, but they’re going to happen and we get to choose to make the best of them!
2. Focus on others.
Lee was always thinking of others. Once, on a trip, he bought so many t-shirts for friends and co-workers, he didn’t have room for his own clothes when it was time to pack. If my mom hadn’t made him pack his clothes, I guarantee you he would have left them behind. He loved people and genuinely cared for them. Spending time loving on others and letting them care for us can help us experience joy.
3. Wishing away your current set of circumstances can steal joy, and it’s a waste of time.
No doubt, all of us are over COVID-19 and ready to get on with life. But, the more we talk about and focus on that, the more joyless we become. My brother was on dialysis for the last 10 years of his life. Three times a week he would sit in the chair for hours while the machines worked. He didn’t like it, but I never really heard him complain. He took that opportunity to meet a whole bunch of people he never would have known otherwise. Lee chose to see the opportunity in his current set of circumstances instead of focusing on wishing them away. We can do that, too.
4. Make a list of all the things that bring you joy.
Sweets, football, holidays and people, for example. My brother never met a sweet he didn’t like, but he especially liked sugar-coated orange slices. Give him a container of those and his face lit up like you had given him gold. While he couldn’t add numbers, he knew football better than most and was an avid fan. He loved every holiday, but Christmas was his favorite. Being around people made him happy. What brings you joy? How can you bring joy to others during the holidays?
5. Avoid information overload.
Lee was aware when tough things were happening in our world and he took in the information, but he didn’t go looking for more. News and talking heads are available 24/7, so it’s easy to get drawn into the same news over and over again. I’m not even going to go there with social media, but…you know. Talk about joy-stealing on steroids—that’ll do it for you. We have to learn to turn it off. I haven’t spoken to anybody yet who regretted limiting it. This is a great time to take a break from technology and spend that time doing activities that bring you and others joy.
I’ve learned it is exhausting to focus on the negative and it for sure doesn’t help me work my way through the hard times. During times when we are really put to the test, just doing one thing differently can help begin the process of flipping the script. Circumstances will only steal our joy if we allow them to this holiday season.
So, what do you do if you think your spouse’s friends are hurting your marriage?
It’s essential to proceed with great care. Your goal is to voice your concern in a way that’s respectful to your spouse. How you approach the subject can move you toward resolution or, in the opposite direction, toward conflict.
Proceeding with care means you need to ask yourself some crucial questions before talking with your spouse about it.
What exactly am I seeing, hearing, and experiencing that makes me feel this way?
- Can I name something specific which makes me think my spouse’s friends are bringing harm to our relationship?
- What are my spouse’s friends’ marriages like?
- Is this a new friend that concerns me?
Is what I’m seeing in my spouse’s friends hurting my spouse as a person?
- Have I seen this person have a negative impact on my spouse?
- Is it causing my spouse to be someone they aren’t?
- Do these friends care about my spouse’s well-being?
Is there something going on within me (rather than my spouse) causing these negative feelings to be triggered?
- What are my own friendships like? Is there anything lacking that may influence how I’m feeling about my spouse’s friends?
- Am I taking care of myself? Am I trying to be my best self in my marriage?
Is there something between my spouse and their friends going against what we stand for in our marriage?
- Do my spouse’s friends know how things work in our marriage?
- Do they openly support our marriage?
Having a good, productive conversation with your spouse means you will need to consider the answers to some of these questions. The hope is for you to approach your spouse calmly and respectfully with your thoughts and feelings. Can you come to a common understanding of what is causing your sentiments and agree on how to move forward?
★ Here’s how to do that.
Try to approach your spouse when neither of you is feeling stressed. It might help your spouse focus more on the conversation if you ask them to set aside a time to talk.
Be specific with your spouse about what you’ve observed that concerns you. Use “I” statements to own your own feelings. People usually respond better when they don’t feel like they are being accused and put on trial. Approach the conversation with a calm… paced… voice.
This is the message you want to communicate: I’m concerned for you and our marriage because… [Avoid making blanket accusing statements like, “Your friends are ruining our marriage by doing such-and-such.”] Be sure to let your spouse know your ultimate goal is for your marriage to be as healthy as it can, and you don’t want anything to stand in the way of that. Acknowledge you realize how important it is for your spouse to have friends—but friends that are for you and your marriage.
This is important: Allow your spouse to speak about this subject. Naturally, they might be on the defensive; that’s okay. Simply hear them out and calmly reinforce your primary concern.
The place you want to get to is the security that your marriage is no longer being threatened. So, you and your spouse need to come to an agreement as to how that can happen.
- Does a particular activity with friends need to be modified or stopped altogether?
- Maybe time with friends needs to be limited?
- Does my spouse need to have a conversation with their friends about what our marriage stands for?
- Does my spouse need to distance herself from one of her friends?
- Do I need to change something in my own mindset to help me feel better about my spouse’s friends?
- Do my spouse and I need to spend more time together?
Friends are important. But they should never cause a problem for your marriage.
Take time to ask yourself the important questions and plan a calm, conversational approach. If needed, seek professional help to determine a solution, preferably involving both you and your spouse. Remember, these conversations aren’t always easy, and it might not all be settled in your first talk. Hard conversations, handled well, are well worth having for a stronger marriage.
Related:
How to Have More Meaningful Conversations With Your Spouse
What to Do When Your Spouse Lacks Empathy
My Friends Are Getting Divorced and It’s Affecting My Marriage
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Have you had to navigate this in your marriage? What suggestions do you have? Be sure to leave them in the comments section below!
As Thanksgiving approaches, I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude and how it impacts me and my relationships. Think for a minute about what it feels like when someone says to you, “Your smile made my day!” or “Thank you for checking in on me.”
Several studies confirm the benefits of being grateful:
- Grateful people are happier, healthier, have stronger relationships and are more resilient in adversity.
- Gratitude leads to positive behaviors toward your spouse and others. The feeling of gratitude motivates responsiveness to a spouse’s needs. The perception of gratitude results in feelings of gratitude in the other spouse, creating a positive cycle over time.
- Gratitude is linked to higher subjective well-being across the lifespan.
- Everyday gratitude acts as a kind of “booster shot” for romantic relationships, leading to greater connection and satisfaction.
There’s something about not being taken for granted and feeling valued that makes people feel better. Gratitude warms your heart and can lift both the giver and the receiver out of despair.
Gratitude impacts how we relate to others and how we feel about our circumstances. What you choose to focus on is where your focus remains. Concentrating on the negative when things are hard can overwhelm you and it teaches your brain to hone in on the worst. The alternative is to choose gratitude and find things you can appreciate during all the hard stuff going on in your life.
A month or so into the pandemic, in the middle of “lockdown,” I received an unexpected package in the mail. It was a bubble machine from a friend that included a note saying how much she appreciated our friendship. She encouraged me to put that bubble machine to good use in our neighborhood to lift people’s spirits. Trust me when I tell you that bubble machine brought a lot of joy and laughter to people young and old.
Practicing gratitude doesn’t have to be complicated, time-consuming or expensive. It’s an intentional effort though to acknowledge what we are thankful for and a willingness to receive gratitude from others.
Now that you know practicing gratitude strengthens your relationships, you may be looking for ways to incorporate thankfulness into your life on the regular. If so, you’ll be glad to know there are lots of ways you can show people how thankful you are.
Here are five ways to practice gratitude that will strengthen your relationships:
- Tell someone how much you appreciate ______________. Thankfulness says, “You matter.”
- Write thank you notes to people you are close to, including your children, spouse, parents and friends who wouldn’t necessarily expect anything.
- Write a letter thanking someone who has deeply impacted your life. Tell them you appreciate the ways they have encouraged and supported you.
- Be intentional about expressing appreciation out loud. Sometimes we think about how grateful we are on the inside, but we forget to verbally say it to the person. It can be something as simple as telling your neighbor (instead of just thinking it) how much you enjoy all the flowers blooming in their yard or telling a family member how much you appreciate them checking in on you during COVID-19.
- Keep a gratitude journal focusing on what you are thankful for in different relationships in your life. This is especially great for those times when you are struggling and need a good reminder of all you can be thankful for.
Practicing gratitude isn’t always easy, and it may even seem hard to be thankful right now, but our relationships will be much stronger and happier when we express our thankfulness to the people in our lives.
Photo by Nicholas Bartos on Unsplash
With Thanksgiving right around the corner, gratitude is on many of our minds. Normally the first things we list when being thankful are the roof over our heads, the clothes on our back, or the food on the table. But what does gratitude look like in relationships? This date night will help you find out! It’s all about showing your honey how grateful you are for them, and helping you realize it, too!
Supplies:
- 1 jar of some sort (Glass or porcelain jar works best!)
- 2 full sheets of paper, each a different color
- 2 pens
- Scissors (optional)
- Decorations for your jar (optional)
- Sharpies
- Stickers
- DIY decor
Directions:
- Each person takes one sheet of paper.
- Either cut or tear the paper into 10 different pieces.
- Now, without showing your partner, write down 10 reasons why you are grateful for them and/or your relationship. (Use the questions below to spark a little creativity if you get stuck!)
- PRO TIP: Start each one with “I’m thankful for…” or “I’m grateful you…” to keep things on the right track.
- When both of you are done, put the lid on the jar and decorate it if you would like.
- Place the jar in a prominent place in your house.
- Over the next 20 days, take turns pulling out one of the papers and read why you’re thankful for each other!
- When you run out of slips of paper, have another date night and make more!
Questions to Help Spark Creativity:
- What’s your favorite thing your partner does for you?
- What’s your favorite memory of your relationship?
- What is the best thing that has happened to you because of your relationship?
- What’s one way your partner balances you well?
- What first made you fall in love with your partner?
Turn this date night into a marriage challenge with our FREE Marriage Guide: 30 Days of Gratitude and Love! Download it here.
Friendships are a valuable possession. Without them, you have an increased risk of loneliness. With them come connection and support. But what about when there’s a question mark as to whether the friendship is helping or hurting your marriage?
Friendships can play a crucial role in the health of your marriage. I’ve had friends support my wife and me through some extremely difficult times. I look back and wonder how different our marriage would be if not for some of those amazing relationships. On the other hand, I’ve listened to friends do and say things that can cripple or sabotage a marriage.
Just like a virus, your friends can spread their values, priorities, and attitudes. Research shows that the tighter the friend group, the more easily these things spread. This can be a positive or a negative depending on your friends.
Are friends important? Yes. Can friends influence your marriage? Studies have found that being friends with someone who gets divorced makes someone 147% more likely to get divorced themselves.
When you’re in that uncomfortable place of trying to determine if a particular friend is hurting your marriage, here are some things to consider.
- Is your friend for your marriage? Are they for marriage, in general? Some people have a sour outlook on marriage; they are generally cynical toward marriage and have difficulty believing that it won’t eventually end in pain. Does your friend encourage you to turn away from your marriage or lean into it?
- How do they talk about their own spouse? If your friend is constantly complaining about their spouse, unless you are intentional about doing something different, it becomes easy to join in. Therapist and author Michelle Weiner-Davis says the more you complain about your spouse, the less likely you want to go home and be more loving to them. And while she was specifically talking about wives, the same is certainly true the other way around.
- Are you discussing things with your friends you should be discussing with your spouse? It’s ok to bounce ideas off your friends. But this should never replace intimate or tough conversations with your spouse.
- Is your friendship helping you be a better person? Is your friendship encouraging you to be more thoughtful or selfish? Are they encouraging you to look out for you regardless of the impact on the ones you love? Yes, there are times when a friend must help you focus on yourself. Your good friends will help you be healthy, not self-centered.
- Does your friend always take your side? Friends who only tell you what you want to hear aren’t going to help your marriage. Good friends of your marriage will help you better communicate with your spouse. Instead of saying things like that, “I can’t believe your spouse would do something like that,” they ask questions like, “Have you asked your spouse about it?” They use some discernment to help you see things clearly.
- Do they respect your spouse? Your spouse may not have been who your friend would’ve picked for you. Even amid the differences, friends should learn to respect your decisions and the differences between them and your spouse. After all, you married your spouse, not your friend.
As you reflect on your friendships, it should be clear whether your friendship is supportive of you being the best version of yourself.
Not just as a spouse, but as a person. Good friends can help you see whether you’re just trippin’ or if you’re missing something important. Overall, they should help you be closer to your spouse while also helping you know if you’re losing yourself in your marriage in a negative way.
Don’t be afraid to make necessary adjustments to your relationships. As you go through different seasons of life, what you need from a friend may change. There’s nothing wrong with that. Letting some friends go can be helpful. Adjusting the amount of time you spend with friends may change. And holding tight to some friends may be imperative.
In all this, keeping your marriage as a priority is a must. A friend that helps you do that is a friend that’s helping your marriage, not hurting it. The study, “Breaking Up is Hard to Do, Unless Everyone Else is Doing it Too: Social Network Effects on Divorce in a Longitudinal Sample” did discover something extremely hopeful. “Interestingly, only outside support from friends and family predicted marital success in the time period examined.”
Related:
My Friends Are Getting Divorced and It’s Affecting My Marriage
Can A Friendship Make You Thrive?
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
7 Ways To Show Your Spouse You’re Thankful For Them
Thankfulness doesn’t have to be unique to Thanksgiving Day. Gratitude is key to any successful marriage, and when you show your spouse you’re thankful for them, they feel loved and appreciated. We all want to feel valued. This is foundational to a healthy, happy marriage.
But how do I show my spouse gratitude?
Here are 7 ways to show your spouse you’re thankful for them:
1. Say it often.
Two words, “thank you,” carry so much weight. Tell your spouse how much you appreciate them. Tell them often. Show appreciation for the small things as well as the big. Look for creative ways to show your gratitude for them. Write it, text it, scream it from the rooftop.
2. Leave them notes.
Nothing shows appreciation like a note. There are tons of opportunities for creativity here. Go old school and mail them a note. Utilize technology and send them a text or video. Leave a note on the bathroom mirror if you leave before they do. Find fun places to hide a handwritten note… in their lunch, their car, their underwear drawer—you know, get creative. Be fun, be sincere, be you.
3. Discover what makes them feel appreciated.
We all receive love and appreciation in different ways. Be a student of your spouse. It’s fun and informative. My wife loves when I do the laundry, the dishes, or cook. I want to make sure she knows how much I appreciate her, so I am more than happy to show her using these ways. She knows I receive love through words of affirmation. I need to hear the appreciation verbally. When we can identify and utilize these methods, each of us feels valued.
4. Give more than you take.
Marriage is a partnership. One way to show appreciation to your spouse is to look for ways to be a giver and give without expecting anything in return. My wife loves massages, and she loves it when I give her a massage with no expectations. It’s about showing gratitude and love. Do things for your spouse just because you care. I love to run, and one time my wife looked at me and said, “Babe, I’ll cut the yard, you go run.” That gesture screamed appreciation because she did something she doesn’t enjoy doing so I could do something I love to do.
5. Take them out on a date… that they’ll appreciate.
Who doesn’t love a fun date? When you’re thinking about how to show your spouse gratitude, get creative with date ideas. What are they interested in? What do they love to do? Ask yourself these questions and plan a fun date to show them how much you appreciate them.
6. Make sure they have time for themself.
We must take care of our marriage. To take care of our marriage, we have to take care of ourselves first. Show your spouse how much you appreciate them by making sure they take care of themselves. This may be a hobby, a sport, exercise, or hanging out with some friends. It’s essential to ensure both of you refill your tanks. You can only give what you have. If you are empty emotionally, you don’t have anything to share.
7. Download the “30 Days of Gratitude and Love” guide.
This guide will give you 30 simple, practical ways to demonstrate gratitude and love for your spouse.
Showing gratitude to your spouse can be a daily practice. It doesn’t have to be complicated either. Start with these seven ways and get creative. A thankful marriage is a healthy marriage. Making gratitude part of your daily practice helps guard against you believing you are the center of the universe or “drifting” into everything being all about you.
