I Love My Spouse, But I’m Thinking About Having an Affair
How can you love your spouse and be thinking about having an affair? Is that even possible? The whole thing is super confusing.
Well, believe it or not, there may be a logical explanation.
Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, says couples need both closeness and distance to sustain a level of sexual intimacy or gratification.
Many couples have been together 24/7 with very little time apart since the pandemic began. Time apart helps create sexual energy while you think about being with your spouse later in the day.
COVID has taken away a lot of the opportunity for anticipation. With the lowered level of sexual energy, many couples are bored. And they may not feel much attraction toward each other at all.
Since our brains crave novelty and excitement, the lackluster sexual energy at home may open the door to looking elsewhere for that excitement you used to experience with your spouse.
If you love your spouse, but you’re thinking about having an affair, consider these things…
“When you are feeling some emotional impulse, as in entertaining the idea of an affair, you have an opportunity to examine the impulse rationally, says Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets to Surviving Infidelity.
“Stop. Consider the consequences. The very same muscle you exercise when you consider the consequences of running a red light—smashing another car, getting a ticket, dying, can be exercised in this instance,” Haltzman says. “Thankfully, we don’t just live on instinct. We can think through the risks of our potential actions.”
Haltzman suggests considering all the things that could happen, such as contracting a disease and giving it to your spouse.
Plus, think about the hurt your spouse will feel when they find out.
“In my experience, most affairs are discovered,” Haltzman says. “Maybe not immediately, but at some point. You need to consider the impact on the person you have an affair with and the impact on your own body because you are keeping a secret from your spouse.”
There’s also the moral and practical issue, according to Haltzman. You made a promise to your spouse and to yourself to be faithful as one of the pillars of your marital relationship. And you promised that when nobody else was vying for your attention.
You have to guard against rationalizing your thought process.
Haltzman believes it’s possible to bring the sexual energy back into your marriage, even if you’re thinking about having an affair.
He also suggests taking the energy you were putting toward considering cheating and putting that energy back into your marriage.
Here’s how!
- Do new things together. When people are exposed to novel situations, exciting things, or new challenges together, it draws them together. New experiences with your spouse will increase your sense of attraction to each other.
- Create space and anticipation. Agree that you’ll spend the day apart—even if it’s on opposite ends of the house. Consider only communicating during the day by cellphone, so you can look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day.
- Play dress up. Staying at home all the time may lead to staying in pajamas or sweats and not caring for ourselves. Do something different. Consider what would be sexy to your spouse.
- Use your imagination for your marriage. Use your imagination to focus on and create sexual energy with your spouse instead of someone else.
- Get back to the basics. Do the things you did when you were apart and looking forward to being back together. Tease each other with text messages. Create adventure through the element of surprise. Laugh together. Write love notes and leave them in unexpected places. 😉
- Be willing to be playful. Go outside and stamp a message in the snow, go camping, or create art together. Make a funny video, create a themed date in your bathroom or somewhere else that’s fun.
While the idea of an affair may seem exhilarating, it’s a pretty risky business with potentially lasting and damaging consequences. Find out why you might be entertaining these thoughts. Then turn toward your spouse and be intentional about creating something different. These things could be the key to changing the sexual climate in your marriage.
Here are some other blogs you might find helpful:
- WHY PEOPLE REALLY HAVE AFFAIRS (IT’S NOT ALWAYS JUST ABOUT SEX)
- 3 WAYS GOOD COMMUNICATION CAN ENHANCE SEX IN MARRIAGE
- 3 WAYS TO HAVE BETTER SEX IN MARRIAGE
- HOW TO PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE FROM AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
New Year’s Day is just around the corner! Now before you make that list of working out more, eating better, and getting more sleep… Have you thought about adding some resolutions for your relationship? This date night will walk you through it!
Supplies:
- Notebook
- Pen
- Dry erase markers (optional)
- Smartphone or 2021 calendar (optional)
Instructions:
We all know what the average list of resolutions looks like. Work out 5x a week, eat a salad every day, read a certain number of books, get 8 hours of sleep each night… The list goes on. But when it comes to resolutions for your relationship, it might look a little different! Both lists have to do with keeping your physical, mental, and emotional health in shape. Well, these resolutions aren’t much different! Instead, they’re keeping your relational health in shape. So grab that pen and paper, sit by the fireplace or snuggle under some blankets and write out a list of at least 12 resolutions for your relationship you want to accomplish this year.
Don’t know where to start? Here are some ideas to help:
- Kiss each other good morning, goodbye, and goodnight every day.
- When conflict gets heated, set a timer for 10 minutes to cool off, then come back to resolve it.
- Go on 3 date nights per month.
- Instead of sitting on the couch with our phones, we’ll put the phones down and have a conversation.
- Do something new together once a month.
- Call each other once during the workday to check in.
- Have our friends over once a month.
- Have 10 minutes every day with no distractions to talk about our days, our thoughts, our feelings, etc.
- Say “thank you” at least once a day.
- Speak our assumptions out loud.
- Do something active together at least 3 times a month.
Take It Up A Level:
Want to make it a little more interesting? Grab that dry erase marker, pick one of your resolutions, and write it on your bathroom mirror. It will be a daily reminder for you both to put the resolution in practice! Then set a reminder on your phone (or write it out on your calendar) to update the resolution on your mirror on the first day of every month next year. By the end of the year, you’ll have formed 12 great habits for your relationship!
Want more ideas for at-home date nights? Check out our huge list of unique, fully planned date nights here!
25 Fun Holiday Date Ideas for Couples
The holidays are the perfect time for couples to experience closeness and connection in the spirit of the season. Try out a few of these fun holiday date ideas with the one you love most!
- Watch your favorite Christmas movie with some gourmet hot chocolate.
- Pick up some donuts and coffee and visit neighborhoods to look at Christmas lights.
- Bake Christmas cookies together to give to family, friends, neighbors, or first responders.
- Pick out a live tree or wreath at a Christmas tree farm.
- Check out a Christmas concert, either live or online. If you’re on a budget, look up local places of faith or high schools having choir or band concerts.
- Go Christmas gift shopping in your Christmas pajamas.
- Support a local organization such as Toys for Tots by shopping for and delivering gifts for needy families.
- Build gingerbread houses together using graham crackers, icing, and an assortment of candies.
- Decorate outside of your house with Christmas decorations and add one thing new this year.
- Go ice skating.
- Create ugly Christmas sweaters together and wear them out to eat.
- Have a couple of Christmas photos taken, either by a photographer or yourself using your phone. Be as creative and humorous as you can with locations and poses.
- If the weather is right, go sledding, build a snowman, or have a snowball fight. (Or make your own snow!)
- Go caroling with other couples or another group.
- Do your own photoshoot in matching Christmas pajamas.
- Have a backyard fire with hot chocolate and marshmallows.
- Dance in your living room to Christmas songs. (Set the playlist on random!)
- Have your picture taken with Santa.
- Take a holiday cooking class together, either in-person or streaming.
- Wrap gifts while playing holiday songs and eating Christmas treats.
- Visit your favorite coffee shop and write Christmas cards to families and friends. (Or create a Christmas letter.)
- Watch “A Christmas Story” and give each other a kiss every time the words “Christmas,” “Santa,” or “You’ll shoot your eye out” are said.
- Give each other a soothing massage with oil or lotion, candles, soft Christmas music, and nothing but the Christmas tree lights on.
- Get a box of assorted chocolates from the store and take turns giving each other a bite and guessing the flavor.
- Do holiday karaoke.
There’s no excuse to not enjoy some special time with your spouse this holiday season. Pick one of these ideas and make a fun holiday date this week. And happy holidays!
Why People Really Have Affairs (It’s Not Always Just About Sex)
Marital affairs are kind of like rust. On the surface, it’s apparent that a single, ugly event has happened. But underneath is a complex process of chemical reactions and driving forces that have built up over time. Affairs are complicated like that. And finding out why people really have affairs can be even more complicated.
Therapist Esther Perel describes an affair as having three essential elements:
- A secretive relationship
- An emotional connection
- A sexual chemistry
The word chemistry is used here because actual sexual activity doesn’t have to be involved to be a marital betrayal. To paraphrase Perel, the mere thought of a single kiss can be as powerful as hours of lovemaking.
It’s essential to understand emotional affairs-—when one is getting their emotional needs met by someone other than their spouse—are just as damaging to a marriage as sexual affairs. Not to mention the fact that emotional affairs often quickly escalate to sexual ones.
But what causes a spouse to stray? It’s tempting to want to peg the blame on a single factor. He just wasn’t getting enough from his wife, so we went hunting in the bars. She didn’t feel loved at home, and another man showed her attention.
Rarely do affairs boil down to one single reason. What leads up to the one-night-stand or the seductive conversations over text is usually a mix of ingredients that have been simmering for a while. To understand this, it might be more helpful to think of affairs as having contributing factors rather than reasons.
Let’s look at five of these contributing factors to help explain why people have marital affairs:
1. They let their guard down.
Good marriages do not prevent affairs. Just when you think, “I could never do that,” or “Our marriage is much too healthy for infidelity,” is when you are the most vulnerable. Anne Bercht, director of Beyond Affairs Network, writes that the keys to affair prevention are realizing your marriage is not immune because it’s good, and being informed. She says there is no such thing as affair-proofing your marriage. But “developing open, honest, respectful communication in your relationship, including the ability and commitment to give and receive constructive criticism” is a strong foundation to keep your guard up.
2. They let their marriage go out of focus.
We often become hyper-focused on work, stress, hefty schedules, or even kids. Especially kids. Life happens. It’s easy to fool ourselves and say we do this for our marriage. The problem is our marriage suffers because it’s not being focused on. It’s in these circumstances the doors to infidelity crack open. You can minimize this factor by ensuring your focus remains on your spouse.
3. They give a NOD.
Infidelity and marriage expert Scott Haltzman explains in his book, The Secrets to Surviving Infidelity, that an unfaithful partner gives a “NOD” toward an affair: Need, Opportunity, Disinhibition. The Need is something they feel is missing in their life, such as love, respect, attention, or emotional support. The Opportunity for the affair might be a business trip, an office party, the gym, or being alone with someone in your circle of friends. And the Disinhibition can be alcohol or drugs, but perhaps more often something such as resentment, depression, or a sense of entitlement.
What is interesting is the NOD can also be the key to avoiding infidelity. The more two people seek to meet each other’s needs in marriage, it minimizes the opportunities and disinhibition that leads to betrayal.
4. They were seeking something they feel they didn’t have.
Esther Perel says that affairs are less about sex and more about desire. “At the heart of an affair you will often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity…” The problem here is that often the other spouse doesn’t know these things are missing because they are never told. A healthy person communicates needs to their spouse.
5. They aren’t happy with themselves.
Many times, the affair is more about the unfaithful person than it is about the marriage or the other spouse. Perel, again, offers lots of wisdom here: “When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner we are tearing away from, but the person we have ourselves become… We aren’t looking for another person as much as we are looking for another self.” Experiencing something missing from your marriage and seeing the NOD at work requires a hard inward look at yourself. It begs the question, “Am I happy with who I am? Am I about to let dissatisfaction with myself damage my marriage with this choice? “
The truth of the matter is we are all capable of having an affair. However, every spouse has the ability to say, even though I am capable, I will make the conscious choice not to walk through that door. As Anne Brecht puts it, be informed. Be aware of the contributing factors that can be at work and work to reverse those. Be open with your spouse and talk about these ideas. Together, make the conscious choice to remain steadfast in your marital relationship.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
4 Communication Exercises For Married Couples
Healthy communication lies at the root of any successful relationship. In marriage, this is even more of a necessity. Like our muscles, our communication skills also need to be worked out. There are practices we can make part of our regular routines that will strengthen communication in our marriage. Here are four communication exercises for married couples.
Exercise #1: The Weekly Meeting
If your marriage is like mine, you’re busy. You both have schedules, and your kids have schedules… I think my kids’ schedules are often busier than mine. This exercise is excellent to carve out time to focus on your marriage intentionally.
Set aside a non-negotiable chunk of time (30 minutes is a good starting point) when you will have no distractions. No phones, no tablets, no television, no kids. This time is for you to discuss your relationship and check in on your marriage’s health.
So what do you talk about? Start here:
- How are we doing as a couple?
- Is there anything we need to finish addressing from this week?
- How can I make you feel more loved and appreciated?
You don’t have to stop here. These questions are just ideas to get you started.
As you dedicate this time each week, check out these keys to effective communication in marriage to enhance your communication.
Exercise #2: Connecting Through Breathing
The purpose of this exercise is to focus on your partner and remove distractions. To begin, sit facing each other, touching foreheads. Tilt your chins down, so you don’t bump noses.
Breathe at least seven deep breaths. Try to breathe slowly and in sync. As you get the hang of this exercise, you may choose to do more breaths or focus on breathing for a set amount of time. It’s all about connecting and focusing on one another.
When you need to slow down and refocus, this is a great practice. Once you have refocused on one another, take the time to talk about how your marriage is doing.
This exercise is ideal for clearing your minds and having a healthy conversation.
Exercise #3: Can I Get A Hand?
Often in marriage, misunderstandings come from not sharing our needs. Your spouse is not a mind reader, so it’s vital to communicate your needs clearly and effectively. This exercise will help.
In this exercise, you’ll both be working toward a common goal. Each person will place a hand behind their back, and together you’ll try to do a simple task such as buttoning a shirt, pouring a cup of coffee, or any other task around the house. Be as clear as possible in communicating with each other to accomplish the task together.
This was a pretty enlightening experience for me. We had some really good laughs AND I learned there were some things I could do to communicate more clearly with my wife.
Exercise #4: Active Listening
This exercise focuses on verbal and nonverbal communication.
Set a timer for 3-5 minutes. One spouse communicates whatever they are feeling or thinking, uninterrupted. The other spouse listens and communicates nonverbally. When the timer goes off, both of you discuss the experience.
Then switch roles and practice again.
These are just a few exercises you can practice to increase communication in your marriage. Healthy communication plays an essential role in any thriving relationship. Make exercising your communication muscles a priority in your marriage and take it to the next level.
Ready, set… time to work out!
Related:
How To Improve Bad Communication In Marriage
3 Ways Good Communication Can Enhance Sex In Marriage
4 Things Every Couple Should Know About Communication In Marriage
DIY Date Night | Christmas Crafting
‘Tis the season! Buuuut… Sometimes season might not seem quite as merry as you wish it was. Whether you’re hesitant to even start the process of decorating the house or you’re trying to keep your Christmas cheer on a budget this year, this date night will check all the boxes you need to get you in the spirit! The goal is to get in the mood for a great date night, some Christmas crafting, and making decorations out of things you either already have or can pick up at your next grocery run. Let’s get started!
Instructions:
This date night totally depends on how much you love to craft and how creative you want to be! You can either come up with something on your own, or use one of the ideas below to get you started. Be sure to take a look at the list of conversation starters for this date night!
Ideas to Get You Started:
- Use an empty toilet paper, paper towel, or wrapping paper roll. Cut it into ½ inch strips. Using glue and some gold or silver paint, make star ornaments for your tree!
- Grab some ribbon, go on a walk outside and find pine cones, and use little trinkets you have around your house to decorate a wreath.
- Get a white candle, some ribbon, a black and an orange sharpie, a button, and some glue and turn that candle into a snowman!
- Make a “snow” garland with cotton balls and fishing line.
- Use a tomato cage (upside down and ends tied to make a cone shape), garland, and lights to make mini Christmas trees.
- Put ping pong balls on top of Christmas lights to give them an upgrade.
- Make your fridge or your front door look like a snowman with some black and orange construction paper, and some fabric for a scarf!
- Make a cone out of cardboard or poster board. Wrap twine or colored string around it so it’s totally covering it. Paint glue evenly all over the twine. Once it’s dry, separate the paper from the twine and you’ll have a little tree!
- Combine ½ cup hair conditioner (white) and 3 cups baking soda to make fake snow.
Conversation Starters While You’re On Your Christmas Crafting Date Night:
- What’s your favorite Christmas tradition?
- What’s the best memory you have about Christmas?
- If you were served a 3 course meal tonight, what would you want each course to be?
- What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?
- Favorite and least favorite Christmas songs?
- Is there an overrated Christmas side dish?
- What’s your favorite Christmas movie?
- What’s one food that you would (or do) hide from me during the holidays?
- Finish this thought, “It wouldn’t be Christmas without _____.”
- Do you have a favorite ornament? What is it and why?
- Are there any traditions you want to start this year?
To see a list of all our DIY date nights, click here!
Image from Unsplash.com
How To Improve Bad Communication In Marriage
Every couple experiences little instances of communication breakdown. It just happens.
Of course, the little things can gradually chip away at your connectedness in your marriage. Small drops of water from a leaky pipe over time lead to big problems.
Minor bad communication habits are like that. Not that big of a thing in the moment, but given time… you get the picture.
So with that in mind, here are four common communication habit scenarios every couple experiences. The good news is, you can fix or improve bad communication with a little intention:
Scenario 1:
Fred asks Wilma if it’d be okay to go bowling with Barney tonight. Wilma replies, “Sure, you can go if you want.” However, Wilma’s tone of voice sounds less than enthused. And her crossed arms and frown suggests she’s not as approving as her words suggest.
Wilma is sending mixed messages to Fred. Her words don’t match her non-verbal cues. She feels bad saying no, but she would really love for him to stay home and spend time with her. This leaves Fred in a no-win situation: Should he accept her verbal permission and go, or stay home because of her tone and body language?
The Fix:
Wilma needs to be honest with her feelings and maybe work out an alternative. Perhaps he can go out tonight and plan on quality time with Wilma the next evening.
If Fred senses the mixed message, he needs to politely ask his wife, “Dear, I appreciate you letting me go tonight, but your tone and crossed arms seem to be telling me something else. Am I reading you right?”
Scenario 2:
Pam has had a rough day at work; her boss just seems incompetent, and her co-workers lazy. She shares with her husband Jim that evening. Jim makes several suggestions on how to handle things. Pam walks away feeling misunderstood.
The Fix:
The issue here is Pam just wants to be heard. There are times for solutions—this isn’t one of them for Pam. It would do Jim good to gently ask Pam during the conversation, “Hon, is this one of these things where you want some help fixing this or where you just want me to listen and try to understand?” Pam would feel appreciated just being asked that.
Knowing Jim is a fix-it kinda guy, Pam could prep Jim a little and say, “I want to share what happened today, and I don’t really need anything to be fixed; I just need you to listen.”
Scenario 3:
Rachel tries to tell Ross the chores she’d like his help with this weekend. Ross is currently engaged in the game on TV. When she’s finished, Ross blankly looks up at her and says, “Huh?” Rachel walks away frustrated while Ross sits there confused.
The Fix:
Rachel should understand Ross’s mind is in the game. It’s sometimes difficult for people to switch from one “mindset” to another. Rachel might ask her husband, “Would it be okay, when you get to a pause in the game, to talk some about this weekend?“
Ross needs to consider how important this conversation is for his wife. If the topic were more urgent, he’d definitely need to put the game on hold and give his wife his full attention. In this case, he might pause the game and say something like, “Babe, I know this is important to you. Could we wait until halftime to talk, and I can give you my full attention?”
Scenario 4:
Zach assumes Kelly is taking the garbage out. He notices the can is not by the curb. He says to her, “Hey Kel, the garbage hasn’t been taken out yet.” Kelly, a little miffed, replies, “Good observation, Zach…”
Zach just wants to see the garbage get out on time. But his first whammy is that he “assumes.” Add this to the fact he expects Kelly to read his mind, and bad communication results.
The Fix:
The problem is in his approach. Zach needs to put assumptions aside and be more direct (and still respectful): “Hey Kel, were you planning to take the garbage out? I thought you said you were but wanted to be sure I heard you right.” [And if Zach were really considerate…] “If not, I can do it.” With this approach, Kelly needs to remember she and Zach are a marital team and consider where he is coming from. Without making assumptions of her own, she can politely reply with something like, “Thanks for reminding me. I’ll take care of it in just a minute.”
★ It’s the little things that count. The same can be said for improving communication in marriage. Hopefully, you can relate to at least one of these scenarios. It’s often an easy fix, but a significant one. Acknowledge these scenarios with your spouse in your own relationship. Laugh about it; say, “Yup, that’s us!” and then take the simple steps to fix the leaky pipe of bad communication. Soon the small drops will be water under the bridge.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
“But we’re only just friends!” or “I have to talk to Karen in Accounting for work!” These can be the typical responses from people having emotional or “virtual” affairs. According to several sources like psychologists Kristina Coop Gordon and Erica A. Mitchell at The University of Tennessee Knoxville, data indicates that emotional or “virtual” affairs are rising. Big time.
So, how do you protect your marriage from an emotional affair?
It’s worth noting that with so many people working strange hours from home and using texts, phone calls, Facetime, and Zoom, the separation of work and home life has become muddled. Emotional affairs crackle across electronic devices as conversations easily slide from a work project to personal problems, usually innocently at first.
Working from home can be contributing to the rise in emotional infidelity in another way. You may be spending a lot more time at home with your spouse. This can quickly lead to conflict, taking each other for granted, or just plain boredom—making you more susceptible to an emotional affair without even knowing it. Some researchers are concerned this surge in virtual emotional affairs could lead to a surge in sexual infidelity when things get back to “normal.”
Many couples are on guard against sexual infidelity but don’t give as much thought to emotional infidelity. This is dangerous for several reasons:
- Emotional affairs often escalate to sexual affairs.
- Emotional affairs are often easier to justify because they blur the lines between co-worker/friend/someone you have an inappropriate connection with.
- Connecting emotionally with someone other than your spouse means disconnecting emotionally from your spouse. That spells all kinds of trouble.
- Co-workers, exes, and “friends” are just a click away.
Here are five ways to protect your marriage from an emotional affair. Pay attention.
- Invest in your spouse and your marriage. Schedule routines that keep you communicating and connected. Get creative—schedule a stay-at-home date night and dress fancy for your favorite dinner.
- Have an honest talk with your spouse about boundaries that will protect your marriage. This isn’t about your “rights” or even trust. It’s about what your spouse needs to feel secure in your love. Include electronic devices in the conversation. Check out these resources for this ongoing convo: Help! My Spouse HATES to Talk About Boundaries! and 4 Steps for Setting Good Boundaries.
- If you have come close to or crossed the line, have friends for your marriage who ask you the hard questions and keep you accountable if necessary.
- If you can’t avoid someone altogether, keep everything professional, to a minimum, and your spouse in the loop.
- Seek professional marriage help if necessary.
Stay connected to your spouse. Do your marital work with them. Don’t let conflicts or disagreements turn into bitterness or resentment. Handle that stuff quickly.
★ Where you invest is where you’ll get your returns.
If you’re both working from home, don’t take this opportunity for granted. Flirt with that hottie at your home office! Schedule times to have coffee breaks together, “working” lunches, and maybe even some activities in the afternoon that would make HR blush.
You got this!
Related Articles:
5 Ways to Protect Your Marriage
Am I Having an Emotional Affair?
Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair
How to Move Past an Emotional Affair
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
