How to Communicate Better With Your Spouse
What would the world be like without good communication?
Airports would be a complete wreck (figuratively and literally).
Kids couldn’t learn reading, writing, ’rithmetic, and computer coding.
The barista at Starbucks would write a completely different name on my cup for my order. (Okay, well, that happens anyway.)
Not to mention… marriage would be chaotic!
Fortunately, communication in marriage isn’t some tricky thing that some people have, and some don’t. It’s a skill that you, I, and everyone else can practice and improve.
Here are six of the most crucial skills you can use to communicate better with your spouse:
1. Practice the art of listening well.
Listening well means seeking to understand. It’s putting yourself in your spouse’s shoes.
Seek to understand their point of view. And know that just because it’s not the same as yours doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing.
Repeat back to your spouse what you heard. This lets them confirm you heard them correctly or restate what they meant using other words.
2. Ask lots of questions.
The ultimate goal of healthy communication in marriage is to connect. Be curious for the sake of knowing your husband or wife better and how you can strengthen your relationship.
Ask questions to:
- Explore: What was it like growing up in your household?
- Clarify: Am I right in saying you don’t like surprises because…?
- Draw out: Can you tell me more about how you feel when the barista gets your name wrong?
- Know how to be more compassionate: What can I do to help you feel more relaxed right now?
Oh, and don’t forget to validate what you hear, even if it’s different from what you’d say!
3. Go deeper in your communication.
Communication can be shallow: My day was good. How was yours? I’m kinda tired. Tomorrow is Friday…
Nothin’ wrong with that. It’s just that way sometimes. But marriage can’t thrive in the shallow end of the pool; it has to take deeper dives.
Your spouse is a complex person (in a good way!). So are you. The joy of marital communication is exploring and appreciating these complexities for what they are.
And this takes deeper conversations about feelings, opinions, shortcomings, goals, hopes, needs, past experiences, and future dreams.
4. Practice vulnerability.
Being vulnerable means showing more of who you are. Which means opening yourself up. And that takes trust, which is vital for a healthy marriage.
Healthy communication is the treadmill that exercises the muscles of vulnerability.
Showing vulnerability in deeper communication might be uncomfortable. Talk about that with your spouse. Why does it make you feel that way? What can your spouse do to help you feel more at ease and willing to be more vulnerable?
Keep in mind that building trust through vulnerability requires affirming each other’s opinions—even if they’re different. Respect each other’s differences, and these kinds of conversations can totally help strengthen your relationship.
5. Practice often.
Schedule times to talk and connect with each other on deeper levels, even if it’s for just a few minutes. The average couple communicates for only 20 minutes a week; choose not to be average.
6. Learn to work through conflict well.
Disagreements are gonna happen. That’s part of marriage. But how you communicate through disagreements makes all the difference. And if you communicate better with your spouse, that’s a game-changer.
Attack the issue instead of each other. Be solution-driven. Remember, You. Are. A. Team. Establish your Rules to Fight Right: no name-calling, yelling, walking out on each other, bringing up past issues, etc. (You know what I’m talkin’ about.)
(For more easy-to-use resources, check out How to Improve Bad Communication in Marriage and 6 Ways Poor Communication Can Affect Your Marriage.)
No matter what, remember communication is a process. Learning communication skills doesn’t mean you’ll get it right all the time.
Miscommunication will happen. Give yourselves a break and keep on truckin’ to better communicate with your spouse anyway. Look to these resources to practice: 4 Communication Exercises for Married Couples and 3 Great Dates to Enhance Communication in Marriage. Because working on healthy communication leads to a thriving marriage.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
10 Creative Ways to Celebrate Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day is a great time to get outside the heart-shaped chocolate box and celebrate love and romance in a BIG way! If you want a hand in making this day unique for your Valentine, you’ve come to the right place.
These 10 creative ideas will help you connect and play as you set this Valentine’s Day apart from any other date night.
- Alternate notes every hour. Be creative. Chat via text, video, over the phone, face to face, on a mirror, with chalk on the driveway. Use different categories for the notes: sexy, flirty, romantic, funny, silly, memorable, thankful, adoring, etc.
- Homemade Couple’s Selfie Photo Shoot. Jazz it up with the wardrobe. Have multiple wardrobe changes: nightwear, 70s wear, athletic wear, beachwear, warrior outfits, superheroes, etc.
- As a couple, shower someone with love who may not be feelin’ it right now. Write a letter, send flowers, spend time with them, tell stories, and listen to their stories. Your love for each other will grow as you share it with others.
- Re-enact some of your favorite romantic movie scenes. Think Titanic, The Notebook, Dirty Dancing, Jerry Maguire: “You complete me!” Check out YouTube’s Top 20 Most Rewatched Scenes in Romance Movies for ideas. You can even find the screenplay for some of your favorite movies. (Pics or it didn’t happen!)
- Stick romantic Post-it notes on candy that your special someone likes and hide them all over the place. Put them in drawers, cars, kitchen cabinets, bathrooms—anywhere your Valentine might go. They’ll be finding them for days. (Hershey Nuggets work great for chocolate-lovers.)
- Dinner and a Trip Around the World…Virtually. Create a themed meal. Decide “where” you want to go to celebrate, then enjoy the sights and sounds from all over the world without leaving your living room.
- Re-create a meaningful meal you’ve had, or create a new experience. For instance, remember what you ate on your first date? What would you want if you were in Italy? With the internet, you can look up any recipe and make it happen. Share the meal by candlelight or lay out a blanket and make it a picnic.
- Create anticipation. The day before, choose not to see each other. Use that time to create suspense for the next day. Leave notes in unexpected places. Send cryptic messages or deliver a message through a friend. Put a note on their windshield or surprise them with a video/audio message teaser. See how much excitement you can build for each other.
- Write a romantic love story about your relationship (fact or fiction). It may be full of fantasy against the backdrop of common interests like Game of Thrones or Star Wars. Write it, tell it, or record it—but have FUN with it!
- Pick from First Things First’s Do It Yourself (DIY) date nights for a fun, unexpected adventure that’s already planned out for you. It’s. So. Easy!
Though you love your significant other every day (DUH!), go the extra mile this Valentine’s Day and show your special someone how much you love, respect, and value them with these creative ways to celebrate. With just a tiny bit of prep, you can take your relationship up a notch and grow the love you feel for each other.
Related Resources:
- *Bonus: First Things First also offers Virtual Date Night Replays for more creative date nights to celebrate Valentine’s Day together.*
- 5 Dates Every Couple Must Do Before the Big Day
- Your Step-by-Step Guide to Healthy Relationships
- 5 Ways to Have More Fun in Your Life
The Key Trait Found in All Happy Marriages
We search for the secret of a happy marriage like Jack Sparrow searching for the fountain of youth. If he could find the ever-elusive fountain, eternal youth would be his. It can be easy to view a happy marriage through the same lens. It seems elusive and out of reach. But it’s not!
In fact, there just may be a key, a secret recipe, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. After examining 174 studies (whew, that’s a lot), researchers at the University of Rochester found a key trait of happy marriages.
That trait is, drumroll, please… psychological flexibility! Wait, what?!?! (That’s me echoing how my 5-year-old would react!)
What is psychological flexibility?
According to the Journal of Behavioral Science, psychological flexibility is “a set of skills that individuals engage when presented with difficult or challenging thoughts, feelings, emotions, or experiences.”
Not to get too brainy, but it’s made up of six things. (Hang with me for a minute.)
- Acceptance: Being open to all experiences, good or bad, no matter how challenging or difficult. (Maybe trying out that new hobby is a good thing!)
- Contact with the present moment: Being mindful of day-to-day moments in life. Being present with your spouse in everyday conversations and experiences. Not fixated on the past or focused on the future.
- Cognitive defusion: Being able to gently experience thoughts and emotions. This means thoughts and feelings don’t overwhelm you. You don’t immediately think the worst or overly stress out.
- Self as context: The ability to see the bigger picture even in the face of difficult thoughts and feelings. You’re not the center of discussions or decisions. The focus is on the relationship as a whole.
- Contact with values: Being rooted and grounded in a deeper set of values.
- Committed action: Resiliency to continue moving forward.
So, what does all that mean?
To break it down, psychologically flexible people are open to new experiences. Negative thoughts or feelings don’t hold them back. They maintain perspective. They keep moving toward their goals and don’t give up. And they understand their spouse does things differently, but they don’t let it frustrate them.
What does psychological flexibility look like in marriage?
According to the study, marriages with psychologically flexible spouses showed greater sexual satisfaction. Those marriages also showed more emotional support and less negative conflict. Focusing on the components of psychological flexibility improves marriage quality.
Psychological flexibility is within your reach. You have the power to develop it. Here’s how…
Think of it like yoga, except in a mental and emotional kinda way. Practicing yoga helps your body become more flexible, but it takes time. If you plan to start yoga, you’ll look for resources like online videos, a class, or a more experienced yoga practitioner—a yogi (that’s a fun word). You’ll seek someone who has experience and knowledge. You can cultivate psychological flexibility the same way. Find resources and books to help you fine-tune the skills. Do your due diligence and find a reputable source to guide you to where you want to be. (How to Actually Use Relationship Resources Without Getting Overwhelmed can help you out!)
Your marriage is the most important relationship.
Giving it your time, energy, and attention can help you create the happiness you’re looking for.
And if you have kids, you’ll be glad to know that many of these psychological flexibility skills are learned early (at least that’s what the researchers say). Practicing these skills in your marriage can help your kiddos reap the benefits, too.
So now you know, the key trait found in happy marriages is psychological flexibility. You also know what components make up psychological flexibility. Where will you start today to show flexibility in your marriage? You don’t have to tackle it all at once… baby steps are all it takes to move forward.
Related Resources:
So, You Need to Talk to Your In-Laws About Boundaries
Do you remember the first time you met your future in-laws?
Was it important to you that they liked you, or did you even care?
Did you dress to impress?
Taking a walk down memory lane gives you a picture of how that relationship began. Once you got married, you may have thought your in-laws would have little to no impact on your marriage. (That’s funny!)
Until they did.
It could be that you recognized some of their behaviors in your spouse. Maybe your interactions with them directly or indirectly are driving you nuts. They may mean well, yet you feel overwhelmed and a little emotional about it.
Perhaps it’s time to have that talk with your in-laws (you know the one), and you’re wondering how to begin the conversation about boundaries. Well, it probably won’t be easy, but it can be oh-so good if you handle it well!
Brené Brown defines boundaries as “simply what’s ok and what’s not ok.” It’s that simple and that complex. Boundaries often define the depth of a relationship, and they change and grow as the relationship changes. Your relationship with your in-laws will change and grow in many ways as you go through different life stages. Hopefully for the better.
Do a Self Check-Up
Before you have the “boundary” talk with the in-laws, it’ll be helpful to do a self-inventory to pinpoint what exactly is going on and what needs to happen.
Here are some questions to think about.
- Why is their behavior bothering me?
- Is their behavior dangerous?
- Can I deal with it because we see each other often (or not so often)?
- Am I relating to my in-laws based on how my family operated?
- Have I ever shared with my spouse that this bothers me?
Now, Do a Check-In With Your Spouse
Once you’ve thought about these questions, it’s time to share with your spouse. Remember that you are talking about their family, and they may be less than excited to have this conversation. Speaking about behavior, not Mom or Dad, can keep your spouse from feeling the need to defend their parents, and vice versa. Also, use I-statements such as, “I feel (emotion) when your parent does (behavior),” instead of, “YOUR mother always (behavior).”
Once you’ve discovered the boundary you need to address and share with your spouse what you feel would benefit your marriage…
It’s time to talk to the in-laws. Where do you even start?
Determine Who Is Going To Talk For You.
In-laws typically receive information better from their “child.” When my husband and I had to have a serious boundary conversation with our parents, he spoke to his parents while I addressed mine. They may not have liked what we said, but they wouldn’t stop loving their own kids.
Give Grace.
If you’re newly-married, this may be the first time your in-laws have ever been in-laws. There are no rule books on how to be in-laws, so try to see the good in them rather than focusing on the negative. If you are new parents, that means they are excited to be new GRANDPARENTS. Everyone has a learning curve around roles, responsibilities, and boundaries. And sometimes those curves are pretty sharp.
Don’t Be Afraid to Get It Out In The Open.
When you don’t address issues openly, it only makes the problem bigger. Pretending something is ok when it isn’t is not helpful. In fact, it creates conflict inside you, in your marriage, and in your relationship with the in-laws.
Being open and honest with them gives them the chance to meet your expectations. They can’t mind-read. If you don’t let them know, they don’t know there’s a problem! Once it’s in the open, you may be able to resolve the issues quickly (and without any hurt feelings)!
Talking with your in-laws about boundaries is not a one-and-done conversation. We’re talking about an ongoing, progressive conversation. As situations change in your life (moves, kids, job changes) or in theirs (getting older, retirement, health issues), you’ll probably need to revisit and revise boundaries.
But I’ve got some good news for you. When you set a positive tone for open communication, your family will see that limits allow you to love and respect each other more deeply.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Related Resources:
How to Talk to Your Spouse When You Feel Disrespected
Feeling disrespected by your spouse can be one of the most conflicting feelings ever. Part of you wants to believe the person you love truly loves and values you. On the other hand, it can be demoralizing and hurtful to live with someone you feel dismisses you or doesn’t appreciate you.
Not dealing with disrespect can make you feel less confident, less important, and downright angry. Trying to deal with the pain alone can make you respond to your spouse in destructive ways. That’s why talking with your spouse is the best medicine.
Talking about it can be oh-so hard—especially if you’ve experienced major or continual disrespect. But you can do it, and you can do it well. Here’s how to talk to your spouse when you feel disrespected in your marriage.
Before You Talk…
- Clearly and precisely identify what they said or did that you felt was disrespectful. John Gottman, marriage researcher and therapist, says you can often tell how a conversation will end by how it starts.
- Identify how the disrespect impacted you. Did it make you feel unimportant, inferior, betrayed, etc.?
- Ask your spouse for a good time to talk. You may say, “There’s something important I’d like to talk with you about. When’s a good time for us to have some uninterrupted alone time to talk?” Pay attention to your tone because if you convey anger toward your spouse, it’ll probably put them on the defensive. BUT, if you can show a genuine desire to solve issues together as a team, it’s way more inviting.
When You Talk…
- Ask your spouse to hear you out for a moment. Assure them you aren’t trying to make them feel bad or prove that someone is right or wrong, but that you simply want them to understand how you feel.
- Avoid statements like, “You never,” “You always,” “You should.” Instead, focus on the specific actions and how they made you feel. (You’ve probably heard this before, but it’s worth repeating.) Use “I” statements as much as possible. “When you said _____, I felt disrespected. I felt unimportant and unheard.”
- Be open to understanding your own feelings, but don’t let them control you. Emotions are real and powerful. We should express them, but using them to punish our spouse doesn’t help the marriage relationship.
- When possible, be open to your spouse’s perspective. This doesn’t mean you let them justify what they did, but could it be there was a misunderstanding? Your feelings and experiences are real, and they shouldn’t be denied. Still, try to give your mate the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully, your spouse simply did something disrespectful, and they aren’t generally trying to be a disrespectful person.
Set some helpful ground rules.
- Either person can ask for a timeout if the emotions get too heated for a healthy conversation. Schedule a time to resume—ideally, within 24 hours.
- No attacking or belittling each other. You’re on Team Marriage. The goal isn’t winning, nor is it to crush your spouse.
- Avoid defensiveness. It’s natural to justify, prove, or defend yourself, but it’s usually not helpful.
- Try to express your thoughts, emotions, and desires calmly so your partner can hear and understand where you’re coming from. This may take time, and you may have to revisit the conversation. Some people process differently.
If you feel your spouse has disrespected you, these steps can help. Still, it doesn’t mean they’ll immediately understand and agree.
If you’re experiencing emotional or physical abuse, get help now. But for smaller forms of disrespect, kindly letting your partner know can help you respect each other more.
It may take several conversations to see how something was disrespectful. And it may be challenging to make healthy changes and get that mutual respect flowing in a way that makes you both feel valued and appreciated. But pushing through those hard conversations is vital to a thriving marriage.
You. Can. Do. This.
Related Resources:
- What to Do When You Feel Disrespected in Marriage
- How to Stay Motivated During Marriage Challenges
- Why Do Couples Stop Talking?
- FREE Maximize Your Marriage Course
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
What to Do When You Feel Disrespected in Marriage
*This article does not refer to verbally or emotionally abusive behaviors. If you think you are a victim of marital abuse, immediately seek help from a local agency or call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1.800.799.7233.
No one deserves to be disrespected.
And it feels awful when someone disrespects you, especially the person you love the most.
The bad news is we know that contempt and criticism increase the likelihood of marriages going sour. A marriage simply cannot thrive in an environment of disrespect. (Communication Killers has more on this.)
But there’s good news. Disrespectful behavior can change. Marriage can get stronger. And you can feel better about your spouse’s behavior.
And here’s where we start.
As I wrote in 4 Reasons Why Respect Matters in Marriage, respect is how you show genuine appreciation for another person. Respect is an action, not just a feeling. It’s a declaration of value for someone. We show respect by how we behave toward our mate.
Before declaring your freedom from disrespect, it’s crucial to stop and reflect on what’s going on. Examining what you’re feeling helps you approach the problem in a healthier way.
I find it helpful to dissect the disrespect.
Separate the disrespectful behavior and the feeling it produced. I know you feel disrespected. But for a moment, view disrespect as merely your spouse’s behavior.
Consider: I was disrespected when my spouse did or said…
And then dig deeper: Their behavior made me feel… (angry, upset, incompetent, hurt, sad… but don’t use the word “disrespected.”)
Separating the disrespectful thing they did from what you feel helps in a couple of ways. First, it helps you consider your spouse’s intention.
People show disrespect for several reasons:
- They’re trying to cover insecurities.
- They don’t realize how their behavior affects others.
- They let their anger get the best of them.
- They’re just being a jerk on purpose.
Now, I can work with the first three reasons. They don’t excuse the disrespect, but those obstacles have concrete solutions. And they give insight into my spouse’s intentions.
The fourth reason, well, is a little more complicated. But I’m gonna make a huge assumption that you didn’t look deep into your spouse’s eyes on your wedding day, knowing they were a big jerk.
And if you did (I’m not gonna judge), or if something happened and they just turned jerky one day, seeking help from a professional may be the best approach.
Separating disrespectful behavior and the way it makes you feel also helps you examine yourself more closely. When you’ve been disrespected, it’s essential to call out the emotions. What I mean is, label them. Give your feelings a name: anger, frustration, sadness, incompetency. You can deal better with what you can name.
Finally, separating disrespectful behavior and the resulting feelings helps you consider other important questions:
- What specifically was the disrespectful behavior that occurred?
- Is the disrespect a one-time thing, or has it been repetitive?
- Does my spouse know they’re being disrespectful? Do they see how it affects me?
- Is my spouse being intentionally disrespectful? Is it on purpose?
- How sensitive am I usually to what others do or say? Does this paint how I see my spouse’s behavior?
- Is there something else going on in my own life that could affect how strongly I feel toward my spouse’s disrespectful behavior?
Let’s think about one more thing: It’s entirely possible for a person’s insecurities to cause them to take another’s well-meaning words or actions as a sign of disrespect. We all have to stop and ask ourselves, when we feel disrespected, “Is there something inside causing us to perceive disrespect in something well-intentioned?”
No one deserves to be disrespected, and it can be painful. But if you feel that your spouse disrespects you, you need a healthy approach to deal with it. Listening to each other, along with good reflection, determines a healthy approach. And this can lead to a better conversation with your spouse, so you can work through this together.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Related blogs:
DIY Date Night | Driving Ms. Date Night
Time for a last-minute date night! Not sure if you want to stay in or go out? With this date night, you get the best of both worlds! Almost the entire date night takes place in the car, so you can get out of the house without going anywhere with lines or crowds. Check it out!
Supplies:
- A packed picnic (Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Snacks, Dessert… It’s totally up to you!)
- A blindfold
- A full tank of gas (unless you want a good story for later!)
- A sense of direction (optional)
Instructions:
This date night is super simple in concept, but you can make it as fun as you want! Here’s how it works.
- Pack a picnic together! This can be as simple or intricate as you would like it to be. Charcuterie board? Go for it. Pick up some snacks and fun drinks on your way? That’s totally fine. Just be sure to grab some pillows and blankets, too!
- Choose who will be the driver first. The other person puts the blindfold on!
- The driver gets to choose the destination, but don’t tell your partner!
- Drive to the chosen destination (you might want to take a different route than normal).
- The blindfolded person then has to guess where you ended up!
- If they get it right, take your picnic and have your date night at that spot.
- If they get it wrong, switch places! The person that was blindfolded gets to choose the next destination, and the previous driver has to be blindfolded and guess where you end up.
- Keep going until one of you guesses the right location! Then pull out that picnic and enjoy the evening together.
- Use the conversation starters below to turn this date night into a memory to last forever!
Conversation Starters:
- If you had to go a week without your phone, what would you miss most about it?
- What was your first impression of me? What kind of person did you think I was?
- If I let you dress me, what would I wear on our next date night?
- What do you think is your best physical feature?
- Would you rather have to always use chopsticks or a spoon?
- What would you do with one week to do anything, all expenses paid?
- Do you see any signs of aging in yourself?
- What are 5 things you’re thankful for?
- Is there an ideal type of party to you?
- If you had to be famous for something, what would you want it to be?
- When’s the last time you cried?
- What’s one thing you wish you were really good at?
- Which board game is your least favorite?
- If you could get away with a crime, would you? What would it be?
- What are two things you’d do if you woke up totally invisible?
- How many slices of pizza are you capable of eating?
- What fashion trend do you wish would come back?
- Would you rather be a hobbit or an elf for 24 hours (costumes included)?
- What’s one thing that men/women do that grosses you out?
- What is the perfect sandwich to you?
How to Have More Sex in Marriage
I know it ain’t easy to keep things rolling in the bedroom.
Life happens. Marriage goes through seasons of busyness and stress. Not to mention—one of you may be “in the mood” or tired more often than the other. And finding time to have more sex may not be at the top of your list.
But healthy sexual intimacy in marriage is a good thing. It can enhance and stimulate other parts of your marriage, like emotional intimacy, too. And vice versa. (Related: 4 Reasons Why Sex Matters in Marriage)
But if there’s conflict, well… chances are, sparks aren’t flying in the B-E-D.
So then… how do you go about having more sex? Here are some thoughts:
1. Don’t make more sex the goal.
Wait, what?! Isn’t the title of this article How to Have More Sex? Yes, but here’s the deal.
Quantity and quality are not the same. And sexual intimacy doesn’t equal emotional intimacy, either.
Emotional intimacy involves understanding each other. Learning and growing together. Caring for and knowing each other well. When each spouse feels valued and understood, that closeness translates into a more satisfying sex life for you both. (Try these 6 exercises to strengthen emotional intimacy.)
Quality sex is where emotional and sexual intimacy meet. It means realizing what goes on in the day to day affects how much you enjoy your sexual experiences. Don’t underestimate the impact that considering your spouse’s needs in AND out of the bedroom can have on your sexual fulfillment.
So what is your goal? It’s being aware and working toward that emotional connectedness, which naturally leads to (you guessed it!) some pretty awesome sex. Who doesn’t want more of that?
(Up your Emotional Intimacy IQ here: What Is Emotional Intimacy in Marriage and Why Does It Matter?)
2. Don’t let your kids get in the way.
We’ve all been there: the heat is rising in the bedroom when KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK… “Mommy? Daddy? I can’t sleep. I’m thirsty.“
And just like that, the mood is shot.
No doubt, kids can unintentionally hinder sexual intimacy. Over the years, my wife and
I have established a lockdown procedure.
Lock door. ✅
Minimize the noise level. ✅. (There’s a closet door close that rattles if it’s not cracked. TMI? Well, now you know…)
If my wife thinks our activity could draw our kids’ attention, the deal’s off the table. Can you relate?
So, set up some lockdown rules.
- Install locks.
- Teach your kids that the bedroom is your room, and knocking is required.
- Establish “closing time” for both your bedroom and you; if it’s after closing time, don’t drop by. (Double Bonus: Kids learn respect and boundaries.)
If they’re old enough, you might bribe your kids to leave the house sometimes. Here’s a dollar; if you go play in the yard and don’t come in for half an hour, I’ll give you another.
Or, if you’re like a friend of mine, throw 99 pennies in the backyard and tell the kids they can’t come in the house until they find all 100 of them. ; )
3. Talk about sex (more).
Studies tell us that couples who talk about sex have more satisfying sex lives.
- What turns each of you on or off? I mean, what if you’re doing something you think your spouse LOVES, but they don’t (or the other way around)?
- That thing they did that drove you crazy? Tell them.
- Discuss your favorite positions or things you’d like to do that you’ve never done.
- Send a sexy text, write a racy Post-it note or leave a steamy voicemail to build anticipation for your next rendezvous.
These ideas can be beneficial if one of you is more like a crockpot that needs to simmer and get ready for sexy time. If one of you is more like the Instant Pot, building up the pressure beforehand will make the release that much sweeter when it’s time to get down to business.
4. Schedule it.
Seriously, get a room. Or find a sitter. Have some “alone” time that works for both of you.
- Getting the kids to bed is a great incentive if you know prime time comes afterward.
- Are your kids late sleepers? Just might be worth it to be the early bird.
- Kids in school? You won’t have to worry about interruptions or those lockdown procedures if you take a long lunch here and there… just sayin’.
5. Get busy with dates.
Couples who have regular date nights report greater happiness. It’s true!
- Use what you learned from your sex talks to creatively plan something new and exciting for each other. Finding ways to please each other outside of the bedroom can help you score inside the bedroom.
- Invest in conversation and activities that help you connect more deeply.
- Plan it or be spontaneous! Dating your spouse doesn’t have to be expensive, but NOT dating your spouse can cost you some of the closeness you crave. (These date nights can make it easier!)
Doing these things will not only improve the quality of sex you have—it also sets you up for more frequent romps. You’ll be well on your way to more (and better) sex.
So what are you waiting for? Don’t you have some lockdown procedures to take care of?
More Resources:
