How Often Should We Have Sex?
What if I told you that there was a number—a magical number—that defined the exact rate you and your spouse should have sex each and every week so both of you experience wonderful, marital, sensuous bliss that will last over the entire span of your marriage, “until death do you part?”
Well, do I have news for you… You won’t find that magic number recorded anywhere!
While research does suggest that couples that have sex at least once per week are happier than those who have sex less than that, it still doesn’t provide a solid answer to the question of how often a couple should have sex. All we know is that once a week is the average rate for couples who are happy.
But before you click the X and stomp off in frustration, hear me out. Because while determining the magic number is about as elusive as Bigfoot riding a unicorn, there may still be a number that produces a little magic.
If you do some research, what you will find are experts who say that there is no prescribed, scientific, formulaic number of times a couple should be having sex, but the magic number is what you make it. Raffi Bilek, a couples’ counselor and the director of the Baltimore Therapy Center, tells Health, “The truth is that whatever is comfortable for you and your partner is your normal. You don’t need to be having sex any more or less than you’d like.”
This is all well and good, unless, of course, you and your spouse can’t come to an agreement on what is “comfortable” and “normal.” (Which probably describes a majority of couples out there.)
So then, how do you move forward with this touchy subject?
The truth of the matter is that the magic number is one that you and your spouse have to determine for yourselves. It’s your magic number. And here are some steps to move toward that:
You’ve got to talk about it.
Start the conversation, and approach it with a great deal of respect for the other person’s feelings and opinions. Discuss with each other:
- Are you someone who can get turned on before you have sex or do you have to be well into the foreplay before you are actually in the mood?
- Do you need to have sex to feel emotionally connected to your spouse, or do you need to feel emotionally connected to your spouse to have sex?
- How does stress affect your desire for sex?
What turns you on about the other person? Is seeing particular behaviors or attitudes more likely to get your motor running? (E.g. I love it when she is in a good mood, I’m really attracted to him when I see him being an active father, She really steams up the room when we watch a great football game together…)
More than likely, you’re not going to hammer this out in one sitting. It’s an ongoing process and conversation to find a mutually satisfying rhythm to your sex life.
Determine an actual, magical number for your relationship.
This is your mission, should you choose to accept it. Why is this important? It gives you a goal and informs each person in the marriage what they can expect.
You may need to compromise and meet in the middle.
Now, the person who wants sex more may get it less. And the person who wants sex less may get it more than they want. But let’s be honest: no one has ever died from not getting as much sex as they wanted. And if you are the one who wants sex less, you may need to be willing to give in a little more than you’d like (with healthy, reasonable expectations, of course). However, you both may find your comfort level increasing with the magic number, especially if you…
Pay close attention to each other’s intimacy needs.
Some people need to feel emotionally secure and close before they’re willing to even think about sex. If that’s your spouse, you have a job to do—find ways to meet their emotional needs (and not just because you want to have sex).
Other people feel emotionally secure by being physically intimate. If that’s your spouse, you may need to spice things up a little more than you’re used to. If you keep each other’s pathways to connection in your sights, finding that magic number can come more easily than you expect.
One more thing to keep in mind: Magic numbers can change. Life goes through seasons. Children come into the picture. Or they leave the house. Health issues arise. People take medication. Temporary periods of stress or exhaustion come into the picture. All these things can affect how often the magic happens. The key here is to continue to be sensitive to each other’s needs and feelings and to continue to communicate.
Magic numbers don’t have to be as mythical as unicorns, and it’s possible for things to be magical in the bedroom for both of you in your marriage.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Have you ever compared your marriage to someone else’s and wondered if your marriage was in trouble?
Or, you come home from work and things are pleasant enough between the two of you, but you just don’t seem to have that connection you used to have? Maybe the laughter doesn’t come as easily. Or perhaps there isn’t much to talk about or you don’t seem to have a lot in common.
It may even seem that your relationship feels like you are just going through the motions and you actually entertain the idea that your marriage might be in the danger zone.
Sex? What’s that? I mean, who has time and energy for that with kids around? Plus, lately your spouse just doesn’t seem that attractive to you. Thoughts of discontentment are more frequent. This little voice deep inside you believes trouble might be on the horizon.
If you’ve ever had these thoughts, you aren’t alone. And, your marriage may be in trouble, but not necessarily. It might just need some tuning up.
Before we dig into the why and all that, I want to be clear that if you are dealing with infidelity, abuse of any kind, or addiction, these are red flags blowing in the wind. They are signifying that your marriage is in trouble—and you need to seek help from trained professionals who can help you navigate through these waters.
Is My Marriage in Trouble?
The truth is, every marriage experiences times of trouble. Some of those periods of time last longer than others. It’s what you do when you believe your marriage is in the danger zone that will determine what happens next.
Not that marriage is exactly like a car, but cars aren’t exactly inexpensive or easy to replace so we’ll roll with this because marriages aren’t either. When our car is running rough or the check engine light comes on, we will sometimes wait a couple of days to see if it straightens itself out. If it doesn’t, we usually see if a mechanic can diagnose the problem. It typically doesn’t cross our minds to just dump the car and go get a new one. I mean, who can afford that? Once you know what you are dealing with your car, you set about trying to get it fixed.
★ Here’s the thing: It would be highly unusual for you not to run into troubled times in your marriage. Think about it: Two people raised in two different homes with different rules, vibes, communication styles and expectations when it comes to handling conflict. You bring those two people together, they say “I do” and then we tell them to have a happy life. Nobody tells you it’s gonna be a little complicated trying to work out the kinks.
If you think your marriage might be in trouble, here are some things you might consider trying to get your marriage back on solid ground:
How much time do you spend intentionally trying to connect with each other without the kids and not talking about work or the bills?
I’m talking about “us” time where you do something fun together. Happy, stable couples have hundreds of ways they connect throughout the day. It’s the way they look at each other. And the way they listen and consider the other person’s feelings creates opportunities for intentional connection. It’s that connection that feeds the relationship. And, believe it or not, they had to be creative in figuring out those connection points.
Think of it as a game. Even if you are in a hard place now, intentionality can help you move from disconnected to connected.
Feeling like you’ve lost the romance, passion and excitement in your relationship also isn’t that uncommon.
The world has a sneaky way of creeping into our relationships and taking over. Who’s got time or energy for passion when you are trying to keep your head above water at work and you’re the taxi to all of your kids’ activities? Nevermind household chores that need to be done! It’s exhausting just thinking about the “have tos.” Why would you add anything else onto your plate?
Well, let me tell you—intimacy in your relationship functions kind of like rebar in a house. It reinforces the foundation and it’s really important. A house built without rebar will not stand for long. A marriage without intimacy will struggle to last very long, too. The older our daughter got, the harder it was to find time to be together where we wouldn’t be interrupted or she wouldn’t hear us (her bedroom was right across from ours). We started scheduling middle-of-the-day rendezvous in order to spend time together. Even figuring out how and where we would meet created anticipation and made our time together even better.
But what if we are just so totally opposite on everything? We have nothing in common anymore.
You and a bunch of other couples are in the same boat. Remember when you were dating and you both loved that you were so totally opposite? You probably even said something like, “They bring out the best in me because we are different.” And, that made you happy. BUT, not anymore. Here’s a tip for you—the angst you feel isn’t really about you being opposites as much as it is letting that get in the way of learning ways to enjoy being with each other.
Happy couples who are opposites figure out ways to look past the differences in order to find ways to spend time together. One woman didn’t really enjoy golf, but her husband did. She decided to learn to play golf, but it wasn’t one-sided. He also spent time doing things she enjoyed so it was a win for both of them. I know I’m meddling here, but did you ever really have a ton in common? Or were you just willing to do anything because it allowed you to spend time with your love?
Last but not least, is it possible that it feels like your marriage is in trouble because you have trained your brain to see the worst in your spouse?
I’m a stacker. I could care less if my car is clean on the inside or outside for that matter. I go to bed at 9PM because I’m toast at that point. I’m perfectly fine with leaving dishes in the sink overnight. I’m a list-maker and I can accomplish a lot in a day. I could go on.
Here’s the thing, over 31 years I am 100% positive more than one of these things drives my spouse crazy. It would be really easy for either one of us to start making notches in the wood for the things that drive each of us crazy—BUT—a wise person once told me, “You know you train your brain about how to think about your husband right?” I looked at her like, say what? She said, “Seriously, you train your brain what to believe about your spouse and the more you go there, the more you go there.”
The more I thought about that, the more I realized she was totally right. That day I decided to start thinking differently.
How have you trained your brain?
If you have been solely focusing on all the things your spouse does that irritate you and all their inadequacies compared to everybody else’s spouse, one way to get your marriage back on track is to train your brain differently. Even if you can only find one or two positive things, that’s a start. You might be surprised how you feel 30 days from now.
In over three decades of marriage, we have for sure had our challenges. Both of us have probably wondered more than once if our marriage was in trouble (especially the time my husband walked through the door and I said, “Divorce is absolutely not an option, but we need to talk”). Fortunately, we had some people speaking into our marriage who would remind us that we were creative and smart enough to navigate through whatever the moment was. Asking for help from people who are further down the road than we were was a good move for sure. And, deciding early on that throwing in the towel wasn’t an option helped us focus on getting to the other side of whatever we were experiencing.
Researcher and marriage expert, Pat Love, shared with me one time that 80% of couples who divorce say they still love each other. What I have found in my own marriage and in working with couples over time is that it usually isn’t the big stuff that causes a marriage to be in trouble. It’s normal things that happen in many marriages, but they go unchecked for extended periods of time.
Back to the car—because you value your car, you won’t let a rattle go on forever without being checked. The same should be true for your marriage.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
The 3 Most Important Things You Should Do for Your Spouse
What if you could do just three things that would revamp, recharge, and revitalize your marriage? Just three things. Your marriage is worth that!
When I was a kid, I had this toy car that resembled the black-and-red van from the iconic television show, The A-Team. (For you younger generations, you can ask Siri or Alexa or the Google or whatever you kids are into these days about that).
In order for the car to roll across the floor on its own, you had to rev it up several times along the ground before you let it go. And if you revved it up enough, watch out! You could pop wheelies, jump ramps, and all kinds of other tricks that were reminiscent of the fancy driving of A-Team member B.A. Baracus (again, ask the Google).
★ In our work with couples, we’ve been asked many questions such as: How can we keep the communication going in our marriage? How do we re-spark intimacy? How can we feel like we did when we first met? ★
In essence, the questions boiled down to this: How can you keep your marriage revved up and rolling full speed?
There are probably as many ways to answer this as there are the number of times A-Team leader Hannibal said, “I love it when a plan comes together…”(the answer is, a lot…Google, man, Google). However, without a doubt, there are three important things you should do for your spouse that will impact so many other aspects of your relationship. And even if you focus on just these three, they will have your marriage flying higher than Murdock’s helicopter (that’s A-Team-speak for “It’ll be awesome”).
Key #1: Take care of yourself.
Right off the bat, this sounds counterintuitive and possibly even a little selfish, self-centered, and self-seeking.
But here’s the thing—if you pay only a small amount of attention to your physical, emotional, and mental health, there’s not much of your self left to give to the one you love the most.
I’ve experienced this in my own marriage. In the past, I felt so wrapped up in my job (for the sake of providing for my family, of course, or so I told myself), rattled by stress and constrained by deadlines, that all I had to offer my wife when I got home at night was the leftovers of my being. I was tired. My body was in poor health. And my mind was spent. I wanted to connect with my wife, but the wheels had fallen off the A-Team van.
So, self-care is actually one of the most selfless gifts you can give to your spouse. Give a little to your self, and you’ll find you have so much more to give to your spouse. And then, watch things rev up and the wheelies fly!
Key #2: Have realistic expectations for your spouse.
Having expectations of your spouse is normal. But there is a fine line between great expectations that make a marriage great and unrealistic expectations that make a marriage unrealistic.
The bottom line is this: It’s unrealistic to see your spouse as the be-all-end-all for your happiness. Everyone wants to see their spouse happy, but happiness can’t be induced by another person. Putting that kind of pressure on your mate sets them up to fail at something they weren’t meant to do and can cause all kinds of tension and conflict.
Dr. Gary Chapman calls these kinds of expectations “If Onlys.” If only my spouse would work less… cook more… watch more of “The A-Team”—then I’d be happier.
Unrealistic expectations can be counteracted with creating spoken, shared expectations that are truly realistic and healthy. Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman lists several expectations that healthy couples have in their relationship:
- Be good friends.
- Trust one another.
- Be fully committed to each other.
- Have a satisfying sex life.
- Manage conflict constructively.
- Watch lots of “The A-Team” together. (Okay, I made this one up. But you never know what this may do for your relationship!)
Key #3: Pursue your spouse!
I don’t mean in a creepy, follow-them-to-work, stalker kind of way.
Let’s put it this way: Remember that feeling you had in the first couple of years in your relationship? When you were setting up that big surprise romantic date? When you were anticipating giving them that special gift you had been hiding? How talking to your spouse late into the night vitalized your feelings for them?
There’s a good reason you had these feelings. Research indicates that the newness of romantic attraction causes a neurochemical called phenylethylamine (PEA) to squirt through your brain, causing feelings of heightened romance, physical attraction, and physical and emotional energy. And, it motivated you to keep on pursuing your spouse!
But, the research also says that this chemical is only active in your brains in the first one or two years of marriage. After that, it takes more work to rev things up.
The great news is that it’s not rocket science, and it doesn’t take an insurmountable amount of effort to keep the wheels rolling and get the PEA squirting again. Regularly pursue conversation and have a curiosity about your spouse. Pursue romance and new experiences. Pursue laughter, fun and connection, too. Continue to be curious about their dreams, likes, dislikes, and goals. You get the picture.
Gifts That Keep On Giving
Finally, remember that self-care, realistic expectations, and the pursuit of your spouse are three gifts you can give to the one you love the most that keep on giving. Write these down somewhere you will see them. Talk about them with your spouse. Make them a regular part of your daily rhythm and practice. Watch your marriage rev up, make tracks, burn rubber, and hammer down.
And for Pete’s sake, go Google The A-Team. You’ll thank me later.
Other blogs to check out:
My Marriage Doesn’t Make Me Happy
Are You Setting A Good Example Of Self-Care For Your Family?
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How to Create Social Media Rules in Your Marriage
It was a picture-worthy moment. She snapped a pic and promptly posted it to Instagram with the words, “My love! #alwaysandforever #makesmehappy”
Then the unexpected happened. Her “love” turned to her and said, “Did you post that?” Enthusiastically, she said “Yes!” He said, “You didn’t even ask.” A bit puzzled, she said, “It’s a great picture of you. What’s the problem?”
The problem was, he didn’t want his picture posted on social media.
Interestingly, this couple’s experience with social media isn’t uncommon. In plenty of relationships, one spouse uses social media as a way to express themselves. They love sharing about life in general. The other spouse might have a totally different posture toward social media. They limit what they post for the world to see. Maybe they aren’t on social media at all. They might even have mixed feelings about their spouse putting so much “out there.”
The Pros and Cons of Social Media
Social media has so many positives. It allows you to stay in touch with people you might not otherwise see or hear from. But, just like everything else, social media also has potential potholes. Social media can have a real negative impact on your marriage.
Whatever you post on social media, you’re inviting the world to see and pass judgment on via comments, likes, shares, etc. Without some understanding and agreement about what social media engagement looks like for you as a couple, this can be an ongoing area of conflict for any couple. The question for most couples is: How do you get to a place where you mutually agree?
Decide What Works for You as a Couple
It’s helpful to start out talking about what really matters. The ultimate goal would be for those who like to be on social media to be out there, but not at the expense of their marriage relationship. So, it’s helpful to think through what respect in marriage looks like when it comes to posting on social media. Have a conversation about what kind of boundaries you want to have with posts on social media.
Topics to Cover:
- How do you make sure what you post doesn’t reflect badly on your spouse or embarrass them? Don’t forget about your kids and your employer(s).
- If you want to post a picture, do you agree to ask permission first?
- When it comes to sharing political views, are there certain things you agree to stay away from?
- What about personal family information? How much is too much?
- Are certain topics totally off-limits to post about?
- What about exes and old flames? What about the opposite sex in general? (Defer to what makes your spouse secure in your love.)
- How much time will you spend on social? (Discuss some tech-free times and zones. This creates space for the conversations that keep you connected.)
- If you’re having a disagreement with your spouse, is putting it out there for everybody to see ok? What if you’re “asking for a friend?”
- How will you guard against the comparison game — comparing everyone else’s marriage highlight reel to your real life?
Social media is a well-entrenched part of our culture. In your efforts to keep your marriage healthy, perhaps the best thing you can do is pause for a minute and ask yourself, “Is what I am about to post potentially harmful to my marriage?” If the answer is yes, hit cancel and move on. It’s pretty unlikely that any post is more important than being on the same page with the one you love.
Sure, your schedules are crazy or money is tight (or maybe both!) and you can’t take a vacation. But that doesn’t mean you can’t still have fun pretending to travel on your DIY Date Night Around the World! Now before you roll your eyes, hear us out… There are so many great ways to feel like you’ve gone exploring, even if you haven’t left your town!
You could plan a future vacation somewhere far away. Research places to stay, restaurants to eat at, and things to do! Get it all planned out for a later date.
- Supplies:
- A computer
- A notebook (or use your computer again!)
- A little creativity!
OR you could take a drive without a destination and explore the town you’re in! It’s also a great time to pull out some great date night questions. (In need of a few? Combine two of our at-home date nights and play Truth or Dare along the way!)
- Supplies:
- A car
- A deck of cards (optional)
You can also try and recreate famous landmarks from the comfort of your own home for your DIY Date Night! Try making a cardboard cutout of the Leaning Tower of Pisa and pose with it as if you were actually there! For an extra spin on things, get a disposable camera to take pictures of all the landmarks you “went” to! Don’t feel like all the effort? Take some virtual tours of famous places around the world, instead! Just click here.
- Supplies:
- A camera
- A little creativity
How do you know how strong and healthy your marriage is? Doctors help us to know whether our bodies are strong and healthy.
I love getting a good report from the doctor after a check-up:
Mr. Ownby, your lab work shows your cholesterol is at a very healthy level.
Mr. Ownby, your heart rate is strong and your blood pressure is perfectly normal.
Mr. Ownby, our tests show you have the abs of a Greek warrior.
(I haven’t actually heard that last piece of news yet, but I’m working on it…)
How do you get a marriage check-up?
In her book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Couples, Harvard-educated researcher Shaunti Feldhahn uncovered a number of things that highly-happy, healthy couples do. Here are four of those signs from her research that you can use right now in your marriage:
Couples in healthy marriages remember that little things go a long way.
It’s easy to think the big, overarching gestures we give our spouses (like expensive gifts or a surprise trip) keep the marriage glue strong. In fact, while there’s nothing wrong with these big gestures, Feldhahn’s research indicates regular, small actions of love are really what keeps the relationship robust.
More specifically, Feldhahn pinpoints five of these “little things” that each person in the marriage can do to help their spouse feel more cared for:
What the wife can do for him:
- Notice his efforts and sincerely thank him.
- Make it clear you desire him sexually.
- Let him know that he makes you happy.
- Say, “You did a great job at _________.“
- Affirm him in front of others.
What the husband can do for her:
- Reach out and hold her hand.
- Leave her messages during the day to let her know you are thinking about her.
- Pull yourself out of a funk/bad mood (rather than withdrawing).
- Put your arm around her in public
- Sincerely tell her, “You are beautiful.”
Couples in healthy marriages spend time alone with each other.
Two keywords here are meaningful and regular. Happy couples talk or share an activity when they are alone together. And these couples report doing this at least weekly.
One goal you may shoot for is having a weekly “date time.” This is an intentional time you plan for just the two of you, and it can be any time of the day that’s convenient. You don’t necessarily have to leave the house or even spend a lot of money on a fancy dinner. Take a walk around the neighborhood. Play a card game. Send the kids to their rooms, turn the lights down low, and enjoy your favorite TV show over a box of Oreos. Simplicity often makes for the most meaningful times together. The idea is to have meaningful alone time with the one you love most on a regular basis.
Couples in healthy marriages believe the other person is the reason their marriage is so happy.
Most people in a “highly-happy” relationship said that what their partner contributes to the relationship is why they are highly-happy. Conversely, a majority of the individuals in “so-so” happy relationships indicated they were the reason for their (so-so) happiness. Developing a sense of gratitude for the value your spouse gives to your marriage is fundamental. Recognize the great things they do for your relationship and show them your appreciation.
Couples in healthy marriages believe the best of each other and don’t let negative thoughts get the best of them.
Even in the midst of disagreements, couples from healthy, happy marriages still knew that they were both on the same team and that their partner deeply cared for them. When negative thoughts about their spouse began to creep in, couples were quick to intentionally change their thinking around. They realized the power they had over these feelings and trained their brain to think the best of their partner. When you feel these kinds of negative feelings coming on, don’t let them boss you around; decide to believe the best about your spouse.
Keeping your marriage strong and healthy takes intentionality on a daily basis. But with these four keys, you can be sure that your marriage check-up will merit a clean bill of health.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
In the midst of COVID-19, death and its aftermath, grief, have become a mainstay in the news cycle. Every day the television news broadcasts tell us how many individuals have been infected by the coronavirus and the number of deaths as a result. While everyone has experienced major life changes because of the pandemic, many people have been touched by the COVID-19 epidemic in the ultimate, most tragic way. Many of us have lost friends or loved ones or our friends and family have lost someone and are grieving.
The pandemic has greatly changed and interrupted our culture and rituals around death. Because of shelter-in-place and social distancing regulations, people are sick and dying in facilities alone. Viewings and funerals are being conducted virtually and with limited numbers of mourners. Our rituals of sitting with a family and grieving with them or taking food to them have halted. This has left many people with the inability to process grief as they normally would. It also has created confusion for many of us that are trying to help others with their grief. (Check out this great blog on how to mindfully deal with difficult emotions.)
Beyond the direct impact of the pandemic, it is important to recognize that people can grieve a variety of things in addition to the death of a friend or loved one. This includes the loss of a job, the loss of a family pet, the loss of home and mementoes, or the loss of a relationship through divorce or separation. Many people are even grieving the loss of normalcy our “new normal” has created. We grieve not being able to attend weddings, graduations, and celebrate birthdays the way we normally would.
How do I help my loved ones as they grieve? How do I help my spouse as they grieve?
Remember That Grief Is A Normal, Healthy Emotion
Jonathan Trotter of the Gottman Institute wisely suggests, “The next time you come across someone who’s grieving a loss, remember that they probably don’t need a lecture or a pithy saying. They don’t need a cliché or a vapid truism. They certainly don’t need you to outlaw their grief.” By “outlaw their grief” he means, “Allow grief, in your own heart and in the hearts of others. Don’t send it underground.” Grief isn’t something that needs to be suppressed, hidden, or to feel ashamed about.
Often when we are close to someone who is grieving, we are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so we say nothing and avoid the subject of their loss. This can reinforce the idea that grief is a bad emotion and close avenues for people to express and process their grief.
Recognize That Grief Is A Multifaceted And Complex Emotion
Are you aware that there are actually 5 stages of grief?
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
These stages were originally developed by psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross as a way for people to process their impending death. It is now often used as a way for family members to process the death of a loved one. Be careful with trying to use this as a “blueprint” for your spouse. Not everyone goes through all of these stages. It might seem logical to you that they go through each stage in a linear fashion. However, that is not the case. Grieving can be cyclical and has no specific time frame or stages. Your spouse might feel acceptance one minute and anger the next. Don’t try to use the “Five Stages of Grief” as a roadmap or a guide.
Relationship expert, Patty Howell shared this after the loss of her husband of 40 years, Ralph: ”Tonight, 11 months down the road… I just feel depressed. Depressed that my life will never feel happy again. The funzies I’m trying to cobble together just don’t add up to very much at all… it just doesn’t compare with the love that Ralph and I shared… Doesn’t compare at all!”
We All Grieve Differently
Grief impacts us differently. Some of us want to be around people while others withdraw. Others want to talk about what they are experiencing while some prefer to process internally. Some experience an increase in appetite while others have no appetite. Your spouse may sleep more or not be able to sleep at all. Remember, grief affects us physically and emotionally. It is important to remember that there is no timeline or guidebook for grief.
Misunderstandings about grief can be particularly damaging to marriages. It is easy to “judge” our spouse’s grieving or “judge” how supportive our spouse is to our own grieving. This can quickly lead to tension, anger, and deep-seated resentment. “Death in the family” regularly shows up as one of the top stressors in a marriage. Work so that grief drives you toward each other instead of driving you apart.
Feel What You Feel
As we support someone grieving, we have to give them time and be sensitive to the space they need, but we don’t need to be afraid of them or afraid of asking them what they need. Don’t be afraid to ask how they are feeling or questions like what their favorite memory of their loved one is. Your spouse will let you know if they aren’t in a place emotionally to talk. Respect that. We can’t hurry them through the process. We can’t tell them to “get over it” or “move on.” We can continually tell them that we are there for them to support them however they need it.
They’ll also experience a variety of emotions: sadness, anger, abandonment, overwhelmedness, even relief or joy—sometimes within minutes of each of other. There will be times when sounds and smells evoke smiles of remembrance or tears of sadness. “Firsts” might be especially difficult for your spouse—the first Christmas without their friend or loved one, the first birthday, Thanksgiving, and so on. Be on the lookout and be sensitive during these times while you also remember that grief can “spring on” your spouse without any apparent trigger.
It is painful when someone you love is in pain. All we can do is support them as they deal with the loss. Having unrealistic expectations that your spouse isn’t grieving “right” or that this will be a speedy process will only make matters worse. Don’t project how you are grieving or have grieved onto your spouse. Grief is something that everyone navigates differently.
As we walk this journey of grief for and with our loved ones, recognize that losing someone who is important to you is not just a single moment in time, but something that changes you at your core. It will become part of your spouse’s life story and part of your marriage. Our loved one may be gone from our physical presence, but the life they lived and the memories that they left will be with us forever.
Other helpful blogs:
6 Things You Need to Know About Grief
How to Help Your Child Deal With Grief
6 Things You Can Do to Help a Child Who is Grieving the Death of a Parent
What Do You Do When You Know Your Marriage Needs Help?
We had been married for about a year and I was really frustrated. My husband owned his own business and to me, it felt like it was the mistress in our marriage. He worked long hours which meant I spent a lot of time by myself. It wasn’t that I didn’t have friends I could spend time with. I did plenty of that, but I really wanted time with him.
I knew Jay wasn’t intentionally trying not to be with me. In reality, he had a demanding job and it revolved around other people’s schedules. In the midst of feeling lonely and frustrated, I knew I needed help. The question I had was, “What do you do when you know your marriage needs help?” At that particular moment, I reached out to a friend who had been married forever. I knew I could count on her to listen and give me sound words of wisdom.
Thirty years of marriage and a career focused on marriage have taught me a lot about what to do when my marriage is in trouble.
Truth be told, it would be unusual to be married for any length of time and not have troubled times. It’s the reality of two people coming together, trying to do life together. It’s often complicated. Unexpected challenges can throw you for a loop. The good news? Although perfectly good marriages get derailed, the right help can often get the marriage back on track and moving on down the rails.
Here are 4 things you can do if you find yourself in a marriage that feels like it is in trouble.
1. Surround yourself with people who are in healthy marriages.
Too often, when things are hard it’s super tempting to hang around people who will “take your side” and offer lots of advice that they sincerely believe is helpful. In reality, their advice isn’t always beneficial. It would be like taking your car to someone who is not a mechanic and asking them what they think is wrong with your car. Then you let them tinker with it when they really have no clue how to fix the problem. What’s most helpful is to have people who are willing to listen, hold you accountable for your part, and help you keep putting one foot in front of the other.
★ Before we talk about anything else, I think it‘s important to say that if you find yourself in a marriage where someone is or might be emotionally or physically abusing you, you should seek help immediately. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline. They can help you create a plan to get to a safe place. The number is 1−800−799−7233. Thehotline.org also has lots of helpful information.
2. Counseling is for sure an option.
Just like you would not put your children in the hands of just anyone, you don’t want to put your marriage into someone’s hands just because they have the title of counselor or marriage and family therapist after their name. Check out reviews online. Also, ask trusted friends if they know of counselors that have been helpful to their marriage or friends’ marriages.
When you do call a marriage counselor or therapist to make an appointment, ask to have a 10-15 minute conversation with them to find out more about their experience with your particular issue. Tell them what your expectations are and what your end goals are. Do you want them to be directive in their approach or do you want more of an opportunity to process what is going on? All of this will be helpful information to them as they talk with you.
If you don’t feel like they are relatable or have enough experience with your issue, say “Thanks for your time” and move on. Even if your spouse does not want to go to counseling, it doesn’t mean you can’t work on making your marriage better. It only takes one person to decide to do things differently to change the marriage dance.
3. Online coaching and experiences.
These can also be helpful for you as an individual or as a couple. One word of caution: many people who have experienced and reached the other side of a crisis together become experts about their own situation, but present themselves as experts who can help others survive similar crises. Be careful to avoid putting your marriage into the hands of well-meaning people who may not have the experience necessary to be helpful to you.
4. There are many resources (including some outstanding books) you might find helpful.
- DivorceBusting by Michele Weiner-Davis
- 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage by John and Julie Gottman
- The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted by Gary Chapman
- Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On—Together or Apart by Douglas Snyder, Donald Baucom and Kristina Coop Gordon
- Fighting for Your Marriage, by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg.
In case you are wondering what my friend said, she asked if I had shared my frustrations with Jay. I told her I had not. She encouraged me to talk with him, but to really think about my words carefully. She also reminded me that we’re on the same team and that the goal was to figure out together the best way forward. I took her advice. Although she has left this earth, I can still hear her voice in my head on the hard days reminding me that my marriage is worth fighting for, and asking for help is courageous and wise.
If you were to ask me now (almost 31 years into marriage) if it’s been worth it, I would say without a doubt. BUT, that doesn’t mean we haven’t had our share of hard times. There have been plenty, but it feels like the hard times were like good seasoning on food. It permeates through and just makes it better. Our marriage is better because of the hard times and being willing to ask for help.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
