5 Tools for Healthy Communication in Marriage
It’s not exactly news that healthy communication is the foundation of a happy and satisfying marriage. But let’s be honest: As you interact with the one you love the most, it’s easy to let healthy communication habits slip.
Marital communication is a skill. And like any other skill, you can learn and constantly improve upon it. Fortunately, it’s not super complex. Using a few good tools can keep communication heading in a healthy direction.
Here are a few communication tools you can try today:
1. Precision Timing
You probably know the frustration of trying to talk when one of you is in the middle of something (like a chore, or the game, or a nap).
Asking, Is this a good time (to ask a question or to tell you about such-and-such), cuts down on a ton of frustration and gives attention to your communication.
And if the time is not right, a better time needs to be scheduled. Let me finish this one thing, and then I’m all ears. Or, Can we wait until halftime, and then I’d love to hear about such-and-such? These are words that show respect and foster good communication.
One caveat: If your spouse urgently needs your attention, do what you can to drop what you’re doing and listen. They obviously have a need that takes priority over what you may be doing.
2. Laser Focus
Whether you’re speaking or listening to your spouse, eliminate distractions. Cut out the static as you tune in to them. Turn off the phone or the game. Send the kids to their rooms. Face your spouse and make eye contact. Listen as if they’re the only thing that matters at that moment. (Because, really, they are!)
3. Crystal Clarity
A stellar rule of thumb: Clarify, ask for clarification, and re-clarify. So what I’m hearing you say is… That must make you feel like… Am I understanding you correctly when I hear you say you need…
Make your thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs as clear as possible. This is what I need right now… I’m feeling very strongly about… I’m thinking this, but I’m not sure I have it all thought out…
Be patient with your spouse as they try to understand; they aren’t you. It might take a fair amount of re-clarifying before you feel understood. That’s ok; the value of communication is in this process.
4. Controlled Tone
We often communicate much more through our vocal tone than actual words. Confusion happens when our words don’t match our tone.
It’s Fine. I’m Fine. Everything is just FINE!
This often indicates that our tone is truer to our feelings than the words coming out of our mouths.
Awareness is key.
Be clear in communicating your needs, and temper your tone to express those needs in a healthy way.
Sometimes, you get a more-desired response from your spouse using a calmer tone of voice rather than “letting it fly” just to be sure they know exactly how you feel. Perhaps emotions tend to get the best of you in a heated conversation. If so, it might be best to drop back and process your emotions first before you approach your spouse.
5. The Magic Question.
You probably know listening is critical. But understanding why your spouse wants you to listen is the golden ticket to excellent communication.
The Magic Question can help you understand exactly what your spouse wants from you. Here it is:
Is this something you’d like me to help you find a solution for, or would you like me to simply listen and understand?
It’s amazing what using a few good communication tools can do for your marriage. And you can easily implement any of these tools today. Give one or two of these a try this week. It’ll make a difference!
Source:
Vazhappilly, J. J., & Reyes, M. E. S. (2018). Efficacy of Emotion-Focused Couples Communication Program for Enhancing Couples’ Communication and Marital Satisfaction
Other blogs:
Is Conflict in Marriage Inevitable?
Some things in marriage are inevitable, like conflict.
But wait. Isn’t the point of marriage to avoid conflict? To live in marital bliss and peace, happily ever after?
It’s commonly thought the less you fight, the healthier your marriage. As a matter of fact, both researchers and counselors seem to agree some conflict is not only inevitable, it’s normal. And it could even be good for your marriage.
That word: conflict; it’s tricky. Some might be tempted to picture marital conflict as a knock-down, drag-out, throwdown of debate and insults in the effort to “win.”
But if we’re to thrive in our marriage, it’s necessary to reframe how we think about marital conflict.
Conflict is simply disagreement. It’s a temporary inability to see eye-to-eye. Sometimes it involves strong feelings. But in no way is conflict some kind of omen for dysfunction. It’s just gonna happen, even in the healthiest of marriages. It’s, well, inevitable.
Side note here: There’s something to be said about the frequency of conflict in your marriage. If you find yourselves constantly at odds with each other, this could spell trouble. And it’s a possible sign that either: A. You aren’t handling conflict in a healthy way, or B. Other dynamics are eating away at your marriage. If this is the case, it may be a good time to consider seeking help from a professional marriage counselor.
So when it does come around (and it will), every married couple is tasked with handling conflict in healthy ways.
But how do you get there? Keep these ideas in mind:
- You and your spouse wear the same jersey. You’re on the same team. Even teammates have different ideas of how to get the ball down the field. But at the end of the day, you both share the same goal: Resolve the issue at hand and keep your marriage strong.
- Attack the problem instead of each other. In other words, keep the goal the goal. Nothing gets accomplished when you go after each other’s character. Avoid those four nasty responses to conflict described by researcher John Gottman: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.1 They kill communication and suck the life out of your marriage.
- Be aware of how you speak in a conflict. Avoid using harsh start-ups, launching into a tirade with your emotions driving the boat. Don’t start sentences with “You…” Instead, use “I” statements to own your feelings and opinions.
- This is going to require some listening on both your parts. Listening is key to working toward a resolution.2 Since you share the goal, you share in the solution. Listen to seek to understand the other person’s view, even if it doesn’t align with your own thinking.
- Know when to forgive, and perhaps more importantly, when to ask for forgiveness. It deters the lingering effects of a conflict, even when a solution is found.3 Forgive and leave the offense there.
If you and your spouse experience conflict in your marriage, don’t fret.
It doesn’t mean you’re doomed. It’s just a part of life and a part of the marriage journey. And evidence even suggests that conflict can be positive for your marriage.4
Although conflict is inevitable, it provides an opportunity for making change where it needs to be made. And working through an issue to find a solution creates a stronger sense of connection and intimacy between couples.
Don’t let conflict throw your marriage off track. Maximize it to find solutions and strengthen your marriage.
Other blogs:
How to Find a Counselor Who Will Fight for Your Marriage
4 Tips for Becoming a Team in Marriage
Sources:
1Gottman, J., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 60(1), 5–22. https://doi.org/10.2307/353438
2Lachica, N., Stockwell, A., & Gamba, J. (2021). What did I just say? An individualized behavior skills training for listening behaviors of adult participants in romantic relationships. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 1–24. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2021.1922664
3Fincham, F. D., Beach, S. R. H., & Davila, J. (2004). Forgiveness and Conflict Resolution in Marriage. Journal of Family Psychology, 18(1), 72–81. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.18.1.72
4Deutsch, M., & Coleman, P. T. (2000). The handbook of conflict resolution : theory and practice (1st ed.). Jossey-Bass.
How to Validate Your Spouse’s Feelings
Your spouse: “I can’t believe you got lunch with Tim and Stacey without me. You know I would have liked to come, but instead, I was home alone with the kids. I wish you had told me.”
You: “It was just a last-minute thing. I’m sure we’ll see them again soon. You’re overreacting.”
Time out! Let’s press pause on this conversation. You know where this is going. Let’s be honest: We’ve all been there. We’ve probably all been on both sides of this conversation. I’ll be the first to step up; my emotions have been downplayed, and I’ve been the husband who downplayed my wife’s emotions.
Remember, the key to healthy communication is listening. Often, our spouse just needs someone to listen and validate their feelings.
Wait a second – my spouse wants me to validate their feelings? What do you mean by validating my spouse?
I’m so glad you asked. Let’s dive into what validation means.
Validation is the act of helping someone feel heard and understood. When your spouse comes to you to share their feelings, it’s genuinely listening and experiencing the moment with them. It’s showing interest in what they have to say and valuing their emotions, words, and thoughts. Often when we share our feelings, we aren’t seeking advice; we’re seeking validation. We want to know that what we feel is valid and our thoughts have worth. Researchers have found that validation is critical to our relational, physical, and emotional health.
Here are some thoughts on how to validate your spouse’s feelings:
Remember, you’re validating feelings and everyone’s feelings are valid. Why they feel the way they do isn’t as important as addressing the emotions they are expressing.
“Once you are able to let go of the content (which you may not agree with) and focus on how they are feeling (which is always valid), you will be able to support them,” advises Tamara Thompson, licensed marriage and family therapist.
What can you do to validate your spouse?
Thompson offers some steps to show validation:
1. Listen, listen, listen.
Listen to understand the other person’s feelings. This isn’t about you. Don’t try to fix or solve the issue.
2. Empathy goes a long way.
You may disagree with the issue, but you can empathize with their emotions.
3. Repeat what they share.
Show you are paying attention and understand. Ask questions.
4. Normalize their feelings.
Many people would probably feel the way they feel in that situation. Say that!
5. See it through their eyes.
You’ve probably heard the old saying, “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.” It’s so true. Try to see the experience through your spouse’s eyes.
6. Touch them.
(Ask if they want to be touched first). Hold their hand, rub their back, or offer a hug. Physical touch is powerful. For some, this is their primary love language and it shows you are connecting with them.
Side note: If things are heated, it may not be the best time to make contact.
7. Use your body.
Make facial expressions, shake your head, lean in, make eye contact. Don’t stand there with your arms crossed or staring off in the distance. Be engaged.
Let’s rewind back to you and your spouse.
Instead of saying, “You’re overreacting,” try saying, “I understand why you’re frustrated,” or “You’re right, you have every right to be upset.” Look for replies that validate the feelings your spouse has expressed. You may disagree with them (and that’s ok), but their feelings have value. If you don’t think you do this well, now’s the time to start validating your spouse.
Other blogs:
Should You Apologize to Your Spouse for Something You Didn’t Do?
7 Ways to Increase Trust in Marriage
Sources:
The Impact of Validating and Invalidating Responses on Emotional Reactivity
Validation Do’s and Don’ts for Couples: An Essential Component to Finally Feeling Understood!
What to Do When Friends Are Hurting Your Marriage
So, your wife has that one friend you think she always wants to talk about your problems with? Or your husband has a buddy that you think he wants to spend more time with than you? Have you ever felt that friends get in the way of your marriage? Friendships are essential, but they can interfere with your marriage if you’re not careful. By the way, your marriage is a friendship that should always come first.
But what do you do if friends are hurting your marriage? Do you demand that your spouse ditch the friends? Do you isolate your marriage from your friends? Let’s not get too drastic yet.
In the Early Years of Marriage Project, researchers found an interesting relationship between friendships and the success of a marriage. Friends have a powerful influence on romantic relationships, both directly – by providing or withholding approval or support, and indirectly – by acting as a sounding board for marital problems. The approval of friends and family members is a strong predictor of a relationship’s quality and stability.
So, what can you do when you don’t like your spouse’s friend? Here’s some advice from experts.
Acknowledge that friends are influential on your relationship, in both positive and negative ways.
Identify the real issues and talk about them. If you don’t like your spouse’s friends, ask why? Do you miss your spouse? Do you feel betrayed because they are confiding in someone else? Are you jealous? Your issue with your spouse’s friends may be the result of a more significant, underlying issue.
Do an intimacy inventory on your marriage. Maybe your spouse isn’t feeling emotionally connected in your relationship, so they seek it through a friendship.
Reframe your feelings. Don’t get stuck on the negative. Focus on the positive. What does the friendship add to your spouse and your marriage that’s positive?
Don’t issue ultimatums. If you don’t like your spouse’s friends, you don’t have to spend time with them. If you are confident that a friend is hurting your marriage, you should have a thoughtful discussion with your spouse. Issuing ultimatums without discussion puts your spouse in a challenging position. Open up to them about the issues you see.
A little caveat here regarding opposite-sex friendships: You and your spouse should definitely discuss boundaries when it comes to these. This can take the above advice to a deeper level. Opposite-sex friendships can cause the most damage to a marriage. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have them; I’m advising you to exercise extreme caution – and that’s a conversation with your spouse.
But, what if your friends are the issue? Here are some thoughts from the experts.
Come clean with your friend. If you’ve been complaining about your spouse to your friend, you need to let them know they are only getting one side of the story. Commit to refocusing the conversation with your spouse. Own that you’ve been confiding in a friend when you should be coming to your spouse with issues you see.
Ask yourself, “Is my spouse right about this friend?” If your spouse wants what is best for you and is looking out for your best interests, take the time to consider their concerns. Maybe your friend is divisive or a bad influence. Maybe your friend doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
Reassure your spouse that they are your first priority. Your relationship is your most significant friendship. Make sure your spouse knows you feel that way.
Friends should have a positive impact on you and your relationship.
It’s essential to nurture your marriage and ditch friends that hurt your marriage, but if you need to remove friends to have a healthier relationship, it’s best to make that decision together.
Other resources:
How To Talk To Your Spouse About Opposite Sex Friends E-book
I Don’t Like That My Spouse Has Opposite-Sex Friends
Sources:
Are Your Spouse’s Friends Interfering in Your Marriage?
Working Through Resentment With Your Spouse
I have been a resentful spouse. My spouse has also resented me. Coming up on 28 years of marriage, my wife and I have five children, and we’ve seen it all. From socks that never made it to the hamper, to financially disastrous decisions, to weaponized sex, to disagreements about parenting, to not getting simple tasks done around the house, to navigating personality quirks. And did I mention infidelity? Yup, infidelity.
There are tons more examples, big and little. It’s not a contest. Whatever brought you to this blog is the biggest thing in your world. Nobody is dealing with resentment exactly the same way you are. But no matter why or how you arrived at this blog, resentment is a tumor in your marriage, and without proper treatment, it will keep growing.
Tumor?! Why would I refer to resentment with your spouse as a tumor? Resentment is a negative emotion that builds up over time. If you don’t deal with it, it will poison more and more of your relationship. It will come to dominate your marriage, making romance, compassion, and intimacy all but impossible. And the sooner you catch it, the easier it will be to treat.
Resentment cannot be taken lightly, but it does have a relatively straightforward solution. Each spouse will have to communicate – probably in a series of conversations. Each will have to express themselves appropriately and honestly. And each will have to listen to the other in good faith. The goal is to compromise and implement a plan. The plan will no doubt be revisited and modified. Resentment should yield resilience.
Compromise and a Plan
The beauty of compromise and a plan is that they’re tangible and measurable. Ideally, as you see your spouse working toward compromise and following the plan, you can be confident. Perhaps confident enough to let go of some resentment and rekindle that spark you once felt. And when your spouse feels that spark, it’ll feed their efforts. Watch that positive cycle go!
So how can you put together a plan and work toward compromise? Here’s a 6-step process you can use as a guide. This isn’t an end-all-be-all on how to stop resentment. But instead, use these steps to help guide you and your spouse toward a compromise and a plan you both agree on that works for your relationship.
A Plan for Working Through Resentment With Your Spouse
1. Catch it early.
It’s much easier to manage and process through resentment before it builds.
2. Communication is everything.
This assumes you feel safe communicating in your marriage. You might need an older, wiser mentor couple. You might need a therapist or counselor. And you might need to establish some rules:
- Each person gets to speak uninterrupted for 10 minutes.
- Try to separate the person from the behavior.
- Use “I” statements: I feel, I need, I’m hurting.
- Don’t escalate with volume, tone, sarcasm, or words meant to just inflict hurt.
- Focus on being a good listener. Remember your body language.
3. The source of the resentment in your marriage needs to be front and center.
- “When you do _____ it makes me feel _____.”
- “I’m having a hard time moving past _____.”
- “I don’t think you understand how much _____ hurt me.”
- “We’ve talked about changing _____, but it hasn’t changed.”
4. Compromise is the goal. Both spouses need to win so the marriage wins.
5. Develop a plan for handling the situation(s) in the future. Write it down.
- Think through different scenarios and have a plan for them.
- Set goals.
- The plan is the accountability and enforcement, not the spouse.
- You can always revisit the plan and modify it where necessary.
6. Last but not least, start again with a clean slate. In good faith, you move forward.
The clean slate is going to be the hardest part. You’re hurt and you’re defensive. You’re in survival mode. Trust may have been broken. But if you really want to deal with resentment in your marriage, you have to move forward in good faith, with patience, believing the best, and extending grace. And hopefully, you will watch the downward spiral of resentment slowly stop as the positive emotions pick up some momentum.
For my wife and I, we’ve gone so far as to say, “THAT marriage is over. We start a new marriage TODAY.”
Other blogs:
6 Tips for a “Til Death Do Us Part” Marriage
5 Ways to Reduce Resentment in Your Marriage
Suppose you’ve been married a few years or even a few months. In that case, you may have noticed that there’s a subtle emotional seesaw present. Resentment toward your spouse sits on one side and compassion sits on the other. Don’t worry; it’s in all marriages, although many of us may not even recognize it. The thing is, we often don’t notice until the resentment side gets a little too heavy.
“Resentment is the persistent feeling that you’re being treated unfairly — not getting due respect, appreciation, affection, help, apology, consideration, praise, or reward,” says clinical psychologist Steven Stosny.
Resentment tends to arise in a marriage when one spouse takes advantage of their partner or takes them for granted. Often resentment can arise from minor issues that compound with time.
Common issues that lead to resentment are:
- Habitual selfish behaviors
- Prioritizing a job over the relationship
- Not being fully present when you’re with your spouse
- Expecting too much of your spouse
- Failing to celebrate your spouse
If resentment builds, it can lead to withdrawal or contempt, and we don’t want either of those present in our marriage. So, let’s try to reduce our resentment before it becomes contempt.
Reducing resentment starts with you. You may have resentment toward your spouse, and they may not even be aware of the cause. Resentment is a self-destructive habit. Your spouse may have hurt or wronged you, but the resentment has grown within you. And it feels awful.
So to reduce resentment in your marriage, let’s look in the mirror and start there.
1. Your feelings are real, so don’t deny your feelings.
You don’t have to deny that you were hurt in some way. But keeping it to yourself or burying your feelings doesn’t help you overcome them. Identify them and seek to understand where those feelings are coming from. Once you have an idea of what’s causing you to feel the way you feel, express it to your partner.
2. Write it down: how you feel, why you feel that way, your grudges, and their source.
This exercise of self-reflection can help you get to the source of your resentment. You may find that your resentment stems from an unrealistic expectation or from your perception. Now, write down why you should forgive your spouse so you can let it go.
3. Focus on your partner’s good qualities.
Remember, you married them, so there are lots of good qualities. Don’t let the mistakes that led to your resentment overshadow the positive. Choose to focus on the positive. Give grace. Don’t assume that they have hurt you intentionally. Think the best of your spouse.
4. Build a habit of compassion.
As compassion increases, resentment declines. If resentment is a habit, the only way to break it is to replace the habit with something opposite. Exercise compassion toward yourself and then toward your spouse. Have empathy; it’s where compassion begins. Empathy is trying to see a situation from another person’s point of view. Remember, there are always two sides to every story.
5. Get help from a professional (if you need it).
A counselor or therapist can help you get to the root of your resentment. If you are habitually resentful, you can reignite the compassion in your marriage with just a little help.
Choose Compassion Instead
It may not be easy, but the more compassion you have in your marriage, the less room resentment has to live. Compassion can be contagious, so the more understanding you show your spouse, the more they may offer you. Healthy relationships start with compassion, genuine care, and concern for the wellbeing of each person. If you want to reduce resentment in your marriage and help your relationship thrive, choose compassion and grace instead of resentment.
Related blogs:
Why Compassion is One of the Most Important Qualities in a Healthy Marriage
How to Be More Compassionate to Your Spouse
Practical Ways to Practice Generosity in Marriage
Sources:
In Marriage, It’s Compassion or Resentment
5 Ways to Tell If You’re a Passive-Aggressive Spouse
Has your spouse accused you of being passive-aggressive? Maybe they say you’re manipulative. Maybe they tell you that you never speak your mind. Sometimes it may seem like you’ve gained the upper hand in disagreements, but it still feels like the relationship never wins. Are you passive-aggressive or being falsely accused? Well, let’s look at a few ways to shed more light on whether you’re passive-aggressive or not.
What is passive-aggressive behavior?
Daniel K. Hall-Flavin, M.D says, “Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them.“1
Think of it this way: You’re expressing your negative feelings aggressively, negatively. Often, this asserts your control, power, or desire to punish your spouse. However, it’s done passively or indirectly. If you’re not directly naming it, your spouse may not be sure what the real issue is.
Aggressive doesn’t necessarily mean loud, forceful, or demonstrative. But it is often intentional and pointed directly toward your spouse.
Different Levels of Passive-Aggressiveness
1. Passive-Aggressive Moments.
Many people have moments of passive-aggressiveness. Sometimes, you just don’t have the emotional energy to deal with a conflict, so you use passive-aggressive behavior to keep control of the issue. You may not demonstrate this behavior often, but every now and then, you might pull it out of your bag of tricks. You probably know it’s not the healthiest thing in the world, but the alternative at the moment isn’t worth it.
2. Passive-Aggressive Habits.
Being passive-aggressive is your primary way of addressing issues with your spouse. You may even find it hard to initiate a conversation about an issue head-on. You may have become “effective” at passive-aggressive behavior. It seems to get you what you want.
3. Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder.
The American Psychiatric Association defines this as a “pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situations.” 2,3 This person feels impossible to tackle conflict with. Their passive-aggressive nature spreads throughout every part of their life.
What does passive-aggressive behavior look like?
Here are some ways being passive-aggressive may play out.
1. Sarcastic, snarky comments.
On its own, the comment you make may sound like a compliment. But the context is clearly meant to be negative. You and your spouse haven’t had a real conversation in weeks, but you hear your spouse chopping it up with one of their friends. You say, “You two sure do have a lot to talk about.” On its own, it seems innocent. Perhaps you’re hoping they feel the sharpness of your emotions. You feel neglected, maybe a bit jealous. However, instead of coming out and saying what you feel, you make a sarcastic remark.
2. Half-doing tasks.
Your spouse’s schedule has changed, and they aren’t doing things around the house, leaving it to you. You resent their schedule change, or you feel like they’re taking you for granted. Instead of bringing it up, you half-heartedly do the tasks like yard work, laundry, or cleaning. It’s obviously not up to standard. You’re trying to prove a point.
3. Silence or distance. (I struggle with this one.)
You gain control by not talking about anything of substance. Your conversations become surface-level or just about facts. Nothing personal or vulnerable. You build a wall between you and your spouse. You’re expressing your anger, resentment, displeasure, etc., through silence. This gives you control of the situation or at least makes you feel like you’re in control.
4. Agreeing, but not really agreeing.
Your spouse wants to go to the in-laws, but you don’t want to go. Your spouse knows you don’t want to go, and you can’t even believe they’ve asked you to come along. Instead of sharing your true desire, you agree to go not out of compassion or being a team player but out of resentment. You’re upset because they should know that you’re not ok with going.
5. Ignoring, putting off, or procrastinating.
Your spouse has asked you to do something. Your negative feelings toward your spouse may have nothing to do with what they’ve asked. However, you choose to express your negative emotions by continually putting off their request while never sharing the real reason.
Signs You May Be Passive-Aggressive… Self-Reflection Questions
While you self-reflect, consider…
- How do you address conflict in your marriage? Do you clearly communicate your thoughts, emotions, and desires, or do you drop hints? Do you exhibit any of the previously mentioned behaviors? Is ist possbile that you simply avoid conflict while sending sharp signals that there is conflict?
- Do you have negative thoughts about your spouse that motivate how you respond to them? How do they know those thoughts? Or do they? Is it possible you have built-up anger or resentment that comes out through simple requests?
- Do you usually control the when and where you deal with marital problems? You may be using passive-aggressive behavior to control or manipulate your spouse instead of working together.
Understanding how you deal with issues in your marriage can help your marriage thrive through difficult times.
If you come to the conclusion that you are a passive-aggressive spouse, that’s progress! Even if you don’t, this can open up meaningful conversations with your spouse to figure out how to handle conflict well in your marriage. The ultimate goal here isn’t about pointing out faults; it’s about transforming conflict in your marriage into building blocks for intimacy. Becoming a better version of yourself in that process is a strong byproduct I’ll take any day.
Related blogs:
How to End Passive Aggressive Behavior in Marriage
How To Improve Bad Communication In Marriage
The #1 Thing That Can Secretly Ruin Your Marriage
Sources:
1What is Passive Aggressive Behavior? What Are Some of the Signs?
How to End Passive Aggressive Behavior in Marriage
Newsflash: Sometimes your spouse is going to make you plain mad.
(Not to mention you’ll inevitably do something to annoy the heck out of them.)
Something is said, something is done without you being informed, something is left undone…
And the blood starts to boil.
Being angry is perfectly normal, and usually, things can be worked through. Mistakes and misunderstandings are a normal part of any relationship, especially a marriage.
But it’s how a person responds in their anger that can help find a resolution or derail the marriage train. Passive-aggressiveness in marriage not only throws the relationship off its tracks, but it’s also downright destructive.
Passive-aggressive behavior in marriage is when a person expresses anger or annoyance in an indirect way.1
For example:
- One person forgot to put the dishes away. The other says, Wow, look at all these dishes in here. Sure would be nice if they were in the cabinet where they belong…
- One said something that embarrassed the other last night in front of friends. The embarrassed person hasn’t spoken a word to the other since thinking their silence will wake their spouse up to what they did wrong.
- One spouse left their dirty socks on the bed when they came home. The other nonchalantly throws them in the trash can and walks away with a smile.
A passive-aggressive response in marriage is marked with quiet bitterness. It’s often a way to punish the offender emotionally, letting them “wallow in their sin” for a while. The “offended” seemingly avoids the conflict while putting the “offender” in a place of guilt, shame, and discomfort. It’s a power-play, a form of manipulation, and a highly ineffective way of dealing with conflict and strengthening a marriage.2, 3
Just in case I haven’t been too clear on this yet: Passive-aggressiveness is not good for a marriage.4
And yet, we all tend to act passive-aggressively at times. Fortunately, you can avoid it.
How can you and your spouse end passive-aggressive behavior in your marriage?
Talk about the importance of checking your anger before you respond.
It’s essential to pause and examine your emotions. Ask yourself, Okay, how am I feeling toward my spouse right now? I’m obviously frustrated. But am I being bitter? Am I trying to make my spouse feel ashamed or guilty? Am I expressing my feelings in a healthy way?
Agree to avoid dwelling on it.
This is when you replay the thing that has offended you over and over again in your mind. It builds negative energy and makes you even angrier the more you think about it. Decide together to talk about an issue directly, respectfully, and in a timely manner.
Practice addressing an issue directly.
Establish some ground rules for working through more serious issues respectfully. Agree to sincerely express emotions with each other. To avoid ruminating, it might be helpful to have a 24-hour rule. If either of you has any beef with the other, you’ll address it in a civil manner within 24 hours.
Have weekly check-in meetings to resolve hanging issues.
Establish a regular time to meet together over coffee and simply connect. Use that time to calmly get anything out in the open that needs to be hashed out.
- Hey, would you mind putting up the dishes tonight? I think it might’ve been forgotten yesterday.
- Do you remember that thing you said last night? It was a little embarrassing. I know you didn’t mean harm, and I totally forgive you already. But I just wanted you to know how I felt.
- I know this is silly, but leaving socks out really bugs me. Would you mind throwing those in the hamper when you come in from work?
Consider what you each are holding back from the past.
Is there something between you and your spouse in the past that causes passive-aggressiveness to creep into your marriage? Or perhaps from a previous relationship? We sometimes don’t even realize how these events shape how we handle present issues. Wrestling with them isn’t easy, but it helps you.
Choose one of these strategies to work through and talk about as a couple this week. There’s always room to strengthen your marriage, and figuring out how to eliminate passive-aggressiveness is a major step to take toward a healthier relationship.
Related Blogs:
5 Things To Do When You Feel Disconnected From Your Spouse
Is It Good To Fight In Marriage?
Help! My Spouse And I Can’t Stop Fighting!
The #1 Things That Can Secretly Ruin Your Marriage
Sources:
2 What is Passive-Aggressive Behavior? What Are Some of the Signs?
3 What is Passive-Aggressive Behavior?
4 Exhausting Silence: Emotional Costs of Withholding Complaints
