What You Need to Know About Disenfranchised Grief
Grief is a response to loss. It’s characterized by feelings of sadness, hopelessness, depression, numbness, anger, and guilt. The goal of successful grief resolution is to reestablish emotional balance. Not everyone grieves the same things or expresses their grief in the same way. And then there’s what we call “disenfranchised grief.” (You probably know what it is, and you may have even felt it, but you might not know what to call it.)
Recognizing that loss comes in many forms has been one positive thing we’ve taken away from the pandemic. For example, loss of:
- A prom or graduation
- A dream wedding
- Funeral attendance
- Vacations
- Family reunions
- Other gatherings
People are more aware of “disenfranchised grief” now. Still, it’s helpful for us to think beyond the pandemic to other commonly overlooked losses. That way, we can support those suffering from them.
Understanding Disenfranchised Grief:
- Grief that isn’t typically recognized by societal norms and/or lacks cultural expression.
- Grief that is often minimized, invalidated, stigmatized, marginalized, or misunderstood.
★ Disenfranchised grief (DG) leaves individuals to process their loss on their own or in secret. They lack the supportive benefits available to people whose losses are more socially accepted, expected, acknowledged, or understood. Often, people tell those in distress, “You didn’t even know them that well,” or “Move on,” or “Get over it.”
Even if we don’t understand it or agree with it, it doesn’t make the pain any less. The pain is REAL.
Examples of losses that are frequently disenfranchised include:
- death of an “ex,” an absent sibling or parent
- loss of someone who was not a “blood relative”
- loss of a co-worker or pet
- an adoption that fell through
- loss of possessions, loss of location due to a relocation or move
- loss of mobility or health, loss of a body part
- infertility, miscarriage, stillborn child
- incarceration of a friend or family member
- deaths due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, suicide, or overdose
- loss of personality due to dementia, etc.
Frequently, the loss itself may not be disenfranchised, but the manner in which an individual grieves may be.
Those around them may criticize the length of their grieving process or the form their grief takes. Societies and cultures can have “unwritten rules” when it comes to grief. People often question, criticize, or invalidate expressions outside those “rules.” These things can complicate the grieving process.
For many circumstances that individuals experience, there is no “race for the cure,” support group, lapel ribbon, hotline, celebrity fundraiser, foundation, or “public awareness” campaign. There may not even be a Hallmark card for it. This doesn’t mean that feelings of grief are invalid or illegitimate.
Often, people don’t even know they are experiencing DG, let alone know how to work through it.
Instead, people have a tendency to minimize or invalidate their loss by comparing it to what a person (or society) believes is a “legitimate” loss.
Disenfranchised Grief. They say if you can name it, you can tame it. It might begin by being honest with yourself, admitting you’re grieving, and not feeling guilty about it.
Stop faking smiles. Then find some support. The people around you are probably more than willing to help you. They just might not recognize your “outside the box” loss.
Don’t be afraid to seek professional help or to utilize resources like The Grief Recovery Method.
For those of us who may know someone experiencing DG, support might begin by expanding our definitions of “loss” and “grief.” We can follow up by making ourselves available to those who are hurting and grieving. We can listen and empathetically validate their sense of loss.
About 2.5 million people die in the United States each year. They all leave an average of five grieving people behind. Not all those grieving people grieve the same.
If we can expand our perspective on grief, we can expand our support to those who are grieving. People are hurting, and we can help.
OTHER HELPFUL BLOGS:
How to Help Your Child Deal With Grief
6 Things You Can Do to Help a Child Who Is Grieving the Death of a Parent
4 Ways You Can Help Someone Who Is Grieving the Death of a Loved One
Is Overthinking Killing Your Relationships?
I hit the road every Saturday morning. Usually, I’m gone for an hour or two. Saturday is my long run day. The time commitment of training for a half marathon is significant. As I walk out the door, my little ones are wide awake and active. They hit me with the questions… “Where are you going, Dad?” “When will you be back?” “Why will you be gone for so long?” “Can you stay with us?”
Up to a few months ago, I felt guilty for leaving them. I felt like I was being selfish. I questioned if I was neglecting my wife and kids to do something I wanted to do, which took so much time and energy. This was me overthinking, being flooded with negative self-talk. They didn’t tell me I was being selfish. They were my biggest cheerleaders. But my overthinking was affecting reality.
Have you been there? Are you an overthinker, too?
What is overthinking?
In his latest book, Soundtracks: The Surprising Solution to Overthinking, Jon Acuff offers us a simple definition of overthinking. He says, “Overthinking is when what you think gets in the way of what you want.”
When I think I’m neglecting my family to go on long runs one day a week, I’m listening to negative self-talk. Acuff calls these soundtracks. They are symptoms of overthinking that get you nowhere. We are just wasting resources on dead-end thoughts. He refers to overthinking as “the greatest thief of all. It steals time, creativity, productivity, hope.”
We can all be subject to overthinking as a spouse, a parent, a boss, an employee, or a friend. In any scenario, overthinking can be detrimental to furthering our relationships.
So, how do I stop overthinking?
Jon Acuff suggests we retire our broken soundtracks, replace them with new ones, and then repeat the new ones so often that they become the predominant thoughts you hear. The soundtracks we listen to are associated with an action. A broken soundtrack leads to inaction. It doesn’t take us anywhere, and doesn’t motivate us to push toward our goals.
Let me give you a real-life example. Training for a half-marathon takes anywhere from 4-6 hours a week for 12-18 weeks. This is time I would normally spend with my family. My negative self-talk led me to believe I was neglecting them and that I needed to spend that time with them, having fun. This made my training difficult because I felt guilty. That’s my broken soundtrack—all in my head.
My wife told me, “We are so proud of you. You are setting goals and doing what you love.” She helped me see that even though I was giving up some family time, I showed my kids what it looks like to set goals and take steps to achieve them. And there’s a bonus: they’re getting some weekend trips to races that they are super excited about.
I retired my broken soundtrack, replaced it with a new one, and it’s playing on repeat.
To stop overthinking, we have to identify a broken soundtrack. But, how do we do that?
Jon Acuff gives us a simple way to figure it out. Write down something you want to do. Doesn’t have to be anything significant. Maybe it’s, “I want to have a weekly date night.” Then, listen to the first thought you have. What is your first reaction? If you immediately start saying, We don’t have the money, we don’t have the time, or we can’t afford a babysitter, you’re overthinking.
Congrats, you just found a broken soundtrack. Now ask three simple questions about that thought:
- Is it true?
- Is it helpful? (Does it move me forward or hold me back?)
- Is it kind?
You don’t have to ask these questions about every thought, but ask about the big ones. Question the thoughts that seem to be holding you back the most. You might be surprised at how many broken soundtracks are playing in your mind.
Overthinking doesn’t have to kill your relationships. If you are an overthinker, evaluate those thoughts. Identify if they are true, helpful, or kind. And if those thoughts are hurting your relationships, it’s time to release, reshape and repeat new ones. You can choose what you think. Tell yourself, “I have the permission and the ability to choose what I think during the day to lead me to action I will take.”
Other helpful blogs:
Are You Setting a Good Example of Self-Care for Your Family?
How Couples Can Help Each Other De-Stress and Improve Their Relationship
5 Tips for Understanding Your Strong-Willed Spouse
When I first sat down to write this blog, I asked myself, “Why me? Why am I writing a blog on how to understand a strong-willed spouse?” The answer followed quickly: “YOU ARE A STRONG-WILLED SPOUSE.”
I must confess this is true. I was a strong-willed child who now is a strong-willed spouse, and I want to give you some tips for understanding your strong-willed spouse.
Often at the beginning of relationships, it’s the differences that attract. You must admit that your spouse probably didn’t become strong-willed overnight. When you began your relationship, they may have exhibited strong-willed qualities that benefited your relationship. They were firm and steadfast in their beliefs and in their decisions. They were transparent with boundaries and expectations.
But now, their being strong-willed has become a problem to be solved. However, your strong-willed spouse doesn’t see themselves as having or being a problem. They are being themselves. As such, your spouse sees themselves as determined, passionate, self-assured, confident, or knowing their own mind.
How do you learn to understand, appreciate and respect your strong-willed spouse?
Here are 5 tips for you to keep in mind.
1. Your approach to them matters.
When you have a topic to discuss or a problem to solve, how you approach it makes a world of difference. If you want your spouse’s input, invite them into the conversation. For example, “I would love to get your feedback on this issue. When do you have time?” This provides the strong-willed spouse the opportunity to choose to join instead of feeling like there is no choice or that they are minimizing their will to you.
2. Give them space to figure out their point of view.
Strong-willed people often have to experience things to figure out what they think or how they feel about situations. They are not likely to “just take your word for it.” Giving your partner the time and space to come to their own rationale before you have a conversation will allow for better communication and/or problem-solving.
3. They have feelings beneath the surface.
It can become easy to believe that a strong-willed partner doesn’t have any feelings. Everyone has feelings. However, we express them differently. Help your partner feel safe to express emotions by asking questions. Becoming a “compassionate detective” with your spouse shows them that you care about what is happening inside them.
4. Timing is key.
Everyone has their own sense of timing. You have to learn the timing of your strong-willed spouse. You may even ask, “Is this a good time? If not, then when?” Suppose your strong-willed spouse happens to be a sports fan (like me). In that case, they may appreciate you waiting to ask a question or waiting until a commercial or halftime to ask for help.
5. You’re on the same team, yet have different (roles, positions, responsibilities).
There are 11 offensive players in football, 11 players on defense, and 11 players on special teams. For the team to be successful, each player needs to know their position and responsibilities. On the football field, the center gives the football to the quarterback. If there’s a mix-up, the quarterback can’t say, “Move out the way, center. I’ll do your job and my job.” Likewise, in your relationship, you each play different roles/positions. Your relationship can flourish when you both embrace and see the positives of how you each play your part.
Marriage is made up of two different people walking through life together. Once you begin to see your spouse’s strong will positively, it will enhance your relationship.
I’ve been married for 27 years as a strong-willed spouse. It hasn’t always been rainbows, glitter, and unicorns. It wasn’t easy learning to help each other be the best we could be, especially with our differences. What helped us was fully embracing the idea that different is not deficient. When you and your spouse bring your best and whole selves to the table, your marriage benefits.
Other helpful blogs:
How to Parent a Strong-Willed Child
3 Ways to Be a Better Listener
What to Do When Your Spouse Talks Badly About You Behind Your Back
Finding out your spouse has talked badly about you behind your back feels like a betrayal on so many levels. It can feel like they’re confiding in someone besides you. Like they’re not being real with you. Not to mention, you might feel disrespected. Before you let the emotions flood your soul, let’s think through how you can move past this and be better for it.
I’m not going to tell you to suppress your feelings and only look at the “real” issue, because what your spouse did impacts you. And hopefully, you’ll both move past it to better understand how each of you wants to be treated.
So what can you do when you find out your spouse is talking about you behind your back?
- Gather yourself. Whether you found out through social media or through the grapevine, there’s a good chance you’re pretty emotional. Before letting your emotions take over, gather yourself. Don’t immediately attack or fly off the handle.
- Get the facts. Knowing what was said can help you avoid misinterpretations. I’ve tried to highlight my own flaws when sharing things before, but all the other person heard was that there was something wrong with my wife. What my wife heard from a third source blindsided me. It happens.
- Try giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Do you believe your spouse’s goal was to demean, ridicule, or humiliate you? Likely not. There’s a chance they’re focusing on themselves when sharing grievances, not how it affects you or the marriage. More on this later.
- Remember, the goal is to stay on the same team. After all, you are married.
Now let’s get to the nitty-gritty. You are sure your spouse was talking about you – and it wasn’t good. How do you talk to them about it?
Organize what you want to say around your T.E.D., your Thoughts, Emotions, and Desires.
- Clearly share what you heard they said. If it’s a pattern, share several examples. You can communicate without attacking. You attack your enemies, but you share your heart with someone you’re in a relationship with. Start the conversation with, “It bothers me when I hear that you tell your friends I’m ______________.”
- Share what you think when you hear they’ve said negative things about you. For instance, “When I hear you’ve said bad things about me, it makes me think you are _____________ (unhappy, untrustworthy, two-faced).”
- Share what you think they’re saying about you. “To me, it sounds like you think I’m __________?”
- Share your emotions. If you felt betrayed, disrespected, or humiliated, voice it. Try, “When I heard some of the things you said, I felt __________________.”
- Share your desire to deal with the issues or grievances together. “I wish we could work out our issues together. What does it take for us to do that?”
Giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt doesn’t mean you ignore your feelings.
Your spouse may not mean to disrespect you, but they may have. Several times in my marriage, I’ve heard, “I know you didn’t intend to make me feel that way, but you did make me feel that way.” (Normally, I’m the one hearing that statement.) Lovingly helping your spouse understand that intentions don’t justify hurtful actions can be crucial to moving forward.
Knowing they don’t intend to hurt or ridicule is essential. It can mean the difference between attacking your spouse like they’re the enemy and helping your spouse understand how you feel.
Does this always lead to sunflowers and roses? No. It’s not unusual for people to naturally become defensive and not immediately own up to doing something hurtful. This may be an ongoing conversation that comes up consistently for some time. Talking to some trusted married friends or even a good marriage counselor might help.
Consider these things in the process:
- Ask why they feel the need to share their grievances with others. Is it the culture or friends they’re with? Do they feel uncomfortable telling you? Did they try and felt dismissed?
- Do they gossip about you, or are they simply trying to get a better perspective? There are times when talking to a trusted friend provides perspective. Even then, it’s vital that you both agree that those friends are for your marriage, focused on helping you lean into (and not away) from each other.
Talking behind your spouse’s back can be painful and divisive. Managing your emotions so you can be heard while understanding your spouse sets the stage for growth. Creating an environment where you can both be transparent, secure, and heard may be the trick to reducing the need to air grievances with someone outside the marriage. That way, you can talk to each other about your friends instead of talking to others about your marriage.
Other helpful blogs:
4 Things to Know About Emotional Safety
What to Do When You Don’t Feel Emotionally Safe in Your Marriage
How to Be An Emotionally Safe Spouse
Should You Tell Your Friends and Family about Your Marital Problems?
What Does It Mean to Put Your Spouse First?
What Does It Mean to Put Your Spouse First?
I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. The Puzzled Look on my daughter’s face turned to a smile, and then came the proverbial rolling of the eyes (and that’s a good thing).
Here’s the conversation:
Daughter: You’re really not going to be at our basketball game Saturday? (Said with disbelief.)
Me: Nope. I’m taking my wife (who happens to be your mother) on a marriage retreat.
Daughter: Can’t y’all go anytime?
Me: Doesn’t matter. We’re going this weekend. What you worried about?
Daughter: Nothing. I just… (Shrugs her shoulders.)
Me: If anyone asks where your parents are, just say, “At a marriage retreat acting married.”
Daughter: (Rolls the eyes.)
Me: Don’t worry. We love you, and we hope you play well. But I love that fine-looking queen of mine more.
Daughter: (Walks away smiling, rolling her eyes, and I’m guessing, processing what’s just happened.)
She’s witnessing me putting her mother, a.k.a. my spouse, ahead of her.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO PUT YOUR SPOUSE FIRST?
It doesn’t mean that you miss every sporting event, never hang out with friends, or never work overtime. It starts with the heart. And your actions and thoughts will reflect the contents of your heart.
A priority is something we treat or rank as more important. Putting your spouse first above work, children, hobbies, birth family, or other responsibilities means prioritizing your spouse. It doesn’t mean we neglect work, abandon our children or don’t do the things we love. It means that we make sure our spouse knows that we value them more than we value all those other “good” things.
What’s the biggest challenge in your marriage?
Here are some ways you can demonstrate that you prioritize your spouse.
Ask Before You Make Plans
When making plans and decisions (particularly ones that affect where you spend your time, money, and energy), ask your spouse for their thoughts and opinions. This shows that you don’t want to do things that may negatively affect your spouse or marriage.
Example: Your co-workers are going out for drinks after work. You want to go.
Prioritizing Your Spouse:
- Call to tell your spouse the situation.
- Ask how they feel about it. “What are your thoughts?”
- Ask how it will affect the rest of the day. “Anything happening that this will change?”
- Understand that turning down the offer may be the best move for your marriage.
Message Sent: Asking shows your spouse that he or she matters. Their feelings matter. How your decisions or plans affect them matters.
Pay Attention to Your Spouse’s Needs
Your husband’s or wife’s needs come first. That’s where your strongest commitment is. Be aware of how easy it is to want to help everyone else and think your spouse can handle everything themselves.
Example: It’s nearing your kids’ bedtime. They’re fussy, whiny, and being difficult. You’re having a deep, meaningful phone conversation, helping a friend.
Prioritizing Your Spouse:
Tell your friend, “I know this is important, but it’s bedtime, and I need to jump in and help get these kids down. Let me call you back.”
Message Sent: You have your spouse’s back. Even though your friend has a pressing issue, so did your mate. You just demonstrated where your priorities lie. Jumping to help fix everyone’s problem and only helping your spouse when it’s convenient shows they aren’t the priority. We want our spouse to be the first one we support, not the last.
Consider the Impact on Your Spouse
After marriage, your life isn’t just about you. Significant changes affect you both1. Be upfront with your spouse about changes and let them prepare for how it will affect them.
Example: A major project will require you to work overtime and use a lot of mental energy.
Prioritizing Your Spouse:
Address it head-on from the moment you sense this is a major time-consuming project. Tell your spouse about the overtime and potential stress. You might say, “I don’t want you to feel neglected. As soon as it’s over, we can make up for some lost time, if you know what I mean.”
Message Sent: You’ve considered the impact on your spouse and shown some vulnerability. You’ve recognized what you will lose and indicated a desire to gain it back because you’d rather be with your spouse than work all those extra hours.
Couples experience different seasons. You may both have heavy work seasons and superactive kids’ seasons where you feel like taxicabs. Dealing with sick family members can also pull lots of time away.
Putting your spouse first starts with a desire to see them happy, at peace, and connected.
That’s what my daughter took away from us missing her basketball game.
Interestingly, research shows that putting your spouse first provides the security, comfort, and stability that helps children thrive.2 And, when couples put each other first, it sets the stage for a fantastic relationship where each person feels loved, supported, and secure.
SOURCES
1ScienceDirect. (n.d.). Family systems theory. https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/medicine-and-dentistry/family-systems-theory
2Brown, S. L. (2010). Marriage and Child Well-Being: Research and Policy Perspectives. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00750.x
OTHER HELPFUL BLOGS:
6 Things You Need to Know About Grief
Nobody likes grief. Or, at least I haven’t met anyone yet who does. Maybe it’s because we know grief is the process someone goes through to work through any kind of loss. And no one likes to lose things or people they love.
Unfortunately, every one of us will go through it. And if you already have, chances are you will again. I don’t mean to be a downer. It’s just that life is full of losses, whether it’s a job, the end of a relationship, a kid leaving for college, or the death of someone you love. But, there is hope.
Fact is, grief is necessary. It’s what allows us to walk through all the emotions that come with a loss and continue to be healthy individuals. It’s painful, uncomfortable, sometimes dreadful. But in the long run, it does what it’s supposed to do: It helps you work through the loss.
Here are some things you need to know about grief to understand this process better.
1. Grief runs a course, but it’s not the same for everyone.
No one grieves in the same way. There are no predictable steps or stages. In general, the shock and emotions that come with grief should move from more intense and frequent to less over time. But the pace can vary from person to person.
2. When a loss first happens, presence is the best support.
You may know what it’s like to feel the shock of a significant loss. You often can’t think straight. Things people say go in one ear and out the other. I can’t remember a single thing anyone said to me at my dad’s funeral; I put on a happy face, but my brain was a fog. However, I do remember who was there at my side. Presence is a strong source of support.
3. Some people have a more complicated reaction to a loss.
The researchers call it complicated grief. It’s when strong grief responses – those intense emotions, the effects of shock – persist over a long time without letting up. More problematic issues can arise from this, like depression or a deep sense of loneliness. Lots of factors play into why this happens. A professional therapist or a grief support group can help a great deal with complicated grief.
4. Emotional health before a loss can determine the grief process.
Research gives a strong indication that the more emotionally healthy you are, the less likely you are to experience complicated grief. Those prone to high anxiety, depression, loneliness, or unresolved relational issues often have a more challenging time with a loss. Staying emotionally healthy and being intentional with self-care is an excellent preventative measure for when loss hits.
5. Grief may not go away.
What I mean is, years down the road, something may spark a memory of who or what you lost, causing an emotional response. This is normal and healthy. Don’t judge it or yourself negatively. It’s simply part of the process.
6. Grief changes a person, and that can be a good thing.
Going through grief usually causes you to consider your perspectives on life and death, your values, and what you put meaning behind. It clarifies what’s important and prompts different behavior on the other side of the loss. At its most ideal, grief leads to growth.
You may be working through grief at the moment or know someone who is. It’s been helpful for me to remember that there is hope in grief. You can recover from a loss. The shock and pain aren’t forever. And even though things may never go back to “normal,” life will function again as you grow from your grief.
Other helpful resources:
4 Ways You Can Help Someone Who Is Grieving the Death of a Loved One
At the age of 16, I lost my grandmother. She wasn’t the first loved one I had lost, but it affected me differently. My Memaw was my hero; I witnessed her long battle with diabetes and cancer. The grief was complicated. When my wife was 29, she lost her grandmother. They were extremely close growing up, but at the age of 12, my wife moved to this country and only saw her grandmother once over the next 17 years. Her grieving looked much different than mine. She is still grieving the loss.
When your friend or family member loses a parent, grandparent, spouse, child, or another person close to them, their responses may look different, and that’s ok. We all grieve for various lengths of time, sometimes with extreme emotions. Though the process varies from person to person, you can be a source of support and strength as you meet others where they are in their grief.
Here are four ways you can help a friend or loved one who is grieving:
1. Be present.
Be there, and be attentive to their needs. Remember, their grief may look different than yours. Maybe they want to talk about the loved one they just lost. Perhaps they just want to grab a drink and talk about anything else. Maybe they just need you to sit with them as they process. No matter what this looks like for them, be there.
2. Be helpful.
When grieving, it’s often tough to respond when someone says, “Do you need anything?” Many of us say it with the best intentions, though. But the grieving person isn’t thinking about what they need. Look for opportunities to serve them. Cut their grass. Bring them food. Pick up their groceries. Pay close attention to their needs, and don’t hesitate to meet whatever needs you can. If you’re not sure what they need, ask those closest to them.
3. Be there for the long haul.
Grief doesn’t have a timetable. Some people grieve for a short period; others grieve for years. Again, there is no correct timetable. Be there for your loved one for the duration of their grieving.
If you live close, drop by and check on them periodically. Take them out to coffee or ice cream. If you live further away, mail them cards, call, or video chat. Be intentional about being there for them. They need you to stay engaged throughout their grief.
4. Be mindful of the potential for depression.
It’s common for a grieving person to feel depressed or lonely. As you remain present and engaged with them, be on the lookout for any signs of depression. Grief may come and go depending on the people present or situation. Depression tends to be more persistent. Be aware of warning signs of depression.
Here are a few warning signs to look for:
- Their depression is not centered on the loss.
- Difficulty performing daily tasks.
- Excessive anger or guilt.
- Withdrawing from others.
- Alcohol or substance abuse.
- Talking about suicide.
If your loved one is experiencing signs of depression, help them get help from a counselor or the Suicide Prevention Hotline (800-273-8255).
Grief is an uncomfortable process, but it’s necessary. Your loved one needs you, whether they admit it or not. Walk with them through their grief no matter how long the process. Be there for them and love them as best you can.
Other helpful blogs:
What To Do When Your Marriage Lacks Emotional Safety
Married, yet hiding from your spouse. Such is life when you don’t feel emotional safety in your marriage. There are parts of you, your personality, dreams, feelings, or thoughts, locked inside, unavailable to your spouse. Exposing them puts you at risk for rejection, criticism, or neglect. You don’t wanna live like this anymore. You want the freedom to be your whole self – vulnerable, imperfect, flawed, and all.
So what do you do?
Emotional Safety in Marriage: Take A Look At Yourself
When it comes to emotional safety, there are two people to look at: you and your spouse. Let’s start with the easy person to look at first – you. (I know, it’s easier to look at your spouse, but you know you. You’ve been with you all your life.)
Sometimes we have our own personal barriers to being emotionally safe with others, even in marriage.
- Traumatic event(s) in our past
- Personal insecurities
- The false belief that you and your spouse should always agree
- Personal control issues
- Past relationship experiences
Without understanding how your past experiences and current mindset may affect your ability to be totally open with someone, these barriers can hold you captive. They can cause you to go into “self-protective mode” anytime you feel challenged or feel vulnerable.
- Ask yourself what you may be fearful of.
- Talk to a friend or possibly a professional counselor.
- Ask your spouse for help.
- Be honest with yourself and forgive yourself.
- Speak the truth about you to yourself. Your past doesn’t have to determine your future or define you.
Processing what holds you back from feeling emotional safety can strip the past and any insecurities or control issues of their power to sabotage your relationship.
Emotional Safety In Marriage: Take A Look At Your Spouse
Now let’s look at the second person in this equation – your spouse. When they make you feel a lack of emotional safety for you, what do you do?
1. Name what makes you feel a lack of emotional safety.
Be aware of what you feel makes it unsafe. Do you feel talked down to, dismissed, inferior, etc.? It might be worth writing your feelings down before you talk.
2. Create an opportunity to talk.
Set aside a non-threatening time to discuss emotional safety with your spouse. Without attacking or accusing (because you want to be an emotionally safe person, too), ask…
- “What does emotional safety in our marriage mean to you?” Obviously, this may not be something your spouse has thought much about. Still, it’s a worthwhile conversation to have. A good follow up question is,
- “What causes you to feel emotionally unsafe?” After your spouse shares, share your answers to those questions and go from there.
3. Agree on what emotional safety is.
Work toward agreeing about what emotional safety is and why it’s a good thing. (Read 4 Things to Know About Emotional Safety to learn more.) Discuss questions like,
- “What makes you feel safest, most free to be yourself, and willing to be totally transparent or vulnerable?”
- “What makes you shut down and go into protection mode?
Listening to each other can help you both understand how to create a safe environment.
Affirm what you like about each other. Remind yourselves why you wanted to marry each other. Take turns sharing the strengths each brings to the marriage. Knowing that your spouse likes you for you increases emotional safety.
Model
You’ve probably heard the golden rule: “Do to others as you’d have them do to you.” It’s also true in marriage. Sometimes others are emotionally unsafe because they need to self-protect. Listen to your spouse. Foster an environment where they can be vulnerable and their full selves.
Revisit
This is not an issue you’ll address only once. (If so, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.) Come up with code words to communicate when your spouse is doing something to make you feel unsafe. Freely acknowledge if you’re struggling because of your own issues. (Full disclosure: I do this with my wife. Sometimes I can go into conflict-prevention, self-protection mode, where I don’t share my full thoughts and beliefs because I know my spouse will disagree. That’s a “me” issue, not a spouse issue. Acknowledging it helps me name it and work through it.)
Not every spouse will embrace talking about being emotionally safe. At times, contacting a marriage counselor is the best route. If and when you talk about it, be prepared for the rewards of working through marriage challenges; it will build trust, resiliency, and deep commitment. Who doesn’t want that for their marriage?
Other helpful resources:
