The #1 Thing That Can Secretly Ruin Your Marriage
My husband and I* find ourselves in the same type of argument, over and over again. Rinse and repeat. It goes a little like this:
>> I bring up something that’s bothering me. (It doesn’t matter how gently or carefully I say it.)
>> He immediately gets defensive.
>> I get frustrated that he’s being defensive.
>> He gets stubborn.
>> I get resentful that he’s being stubborn and start to criticize him.
>> He shuts down and starts stonewalling me.
>> I get extremely hurt and feel like he doesn’t care about me.
Round and round we go until someone waves the white flag. However, this never happens without a whole lotta tears and words that we wish we could take back.
I’ve always considered myself an excellent communicator. I’ve read the books, I’ve listened to the experts, I’ve honed my skills with active listening techniques, avoiding the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and using all of the “I” statements. I want to talk about the issue so we can find a solution and feel connected again. But he doesn’t want to talk. He feels attacked and condemned. Did I say the wrong thing? Was it the wrong time to talk? Does he just not care about me? Is this never-ending cycle ruining our marriage?
I had to find an actual solution.
Then I came across this quote:
“Couples are not disconnected because they have poor communication. They have poor communication because they are disconnected.”
Dr. Pat Love
In their book, How to Improve Marriage Without Talking About It, Dr. Pat Love and Dr. Steven Stosny describe the root cause of why a perfectly good marriage can fail without either person doing anything wrong. No matter how hard you try to fix the issue by talking through it, this one thing is making it worse, not better. It’s called the Fear/Shame Spiral. And it can ruin your marriage – but it doesn’t have to!
Please note: the studies done by Love and Stosny looked at the relationship between men and women as group averages, not individual differences. Keep in mind that the rest of this blog speaks to men in general and women in general. Although their studies apply to the majority, they do not tell us anything about individual men and women. That being said…
Fear and Shame
The most common female core vulnerability is the fear of abandonment: isolation, neglect, rejection, and feeling alone.
Most women thrive on closeness and connection. So naturally, if there is any type of issue, she needs to talk through it to feel connected again. Women generally actually view a complaint as an invitation to move closer. We’ve had a bad day, we want to talk about it. We had a frustrating experience at the store, so we called up our best friend to vent. However…
The most common male core vulnerability is feeling shame: embarrassment, weakness, failure, and inadequacy.
A man tends to pride himself on being able to please their partner. But if there is any type of issue, men may feel like they’ve let their spouse down. This intense feeling of shame activates their fight or flight response, making them shut down, stonewall, get angry, or defensive.
Then We Spiral Down
When a woman feels like her spouse isn’t showing up for her in the way she needs (whether that’s something like forgetting to switch the laundry or not speaking her love language), it activates her core vulnerability of feeling fear and anxiety. Her complaint, request, or comment, however unassuming it may seem, sounds like criticism to her husband, which triggers his core vulnerability — feeling shame. He’s let her down, he’s not provided or protected her, and all he has done for her has been overlooked.
In other words, he feels like a complete failure. Flooded with the stress hormone cortisol, his body immediately goes into fight or flight, and he feels the need to defend and withdraw. This, of course, feels like abandonment and triggers her fear and anxiety even more, which triggers his shame more. And round and round they go. No matter who started it, the Fear/Shame spiral is a vicious cycle that just breeds more and more disconnection and hurt.
So What’s The Solution?
When I discovered the Fear/Shame Spiral, everything started making sense. But… How in the world can I stop the spiral from happening? Just never bring up another complaint? Yeah right.
According to Dr. Pat Love, there are a few things you can stop doing right now to help:
If you don’t want your husband to feel shame, don’t…
- Expect him to act and respond as you would
- Criticize him or belittle him (especially in front of others)
- Compare him to others
- Expect him to make you happy
If you don’t want your wife to feel fear and anxiety, don’t…
- Forget to notice or appreciate when she does the majority of the household/family tasks
- Leave her out of important aspects of your life
- Expect her to have the same sex drive as you
- Ignore or dismiss her bids for connection
Now Let’s Cut to the Chase
The only way out of the Fear/Shame Spiral is by recognizing you’re in it and empathizing with your spouse’s core vulnerability. It’ll take a lot of intentionality because it’s difficult to relate to your spouse’s core vulnerability since it’s not the same as yours. Also, it means you’ll have to step up and be compassionate to your spouse when you least feel like it.
Understanding what your spouse is feeling and why they’re feeling it allows you to speak into their fear or shame and provide reassurance. This shifts the focus of the argument from the what to the why and enables you to have a more authentic and productive outcome. While you can’t avoid fear and shame altogether, you can transform them into an opportunity for connection.
Do This For Your Wife:
- Routinely connect with her at these four crucial times during the day:
- When you wake up in the morning
- Before you leave for the day
- When you return for the day
- Before you go to bed
- Open your heart and mind to her, let her in. (Be vulnerable and share your feelings.)
- Appreciate all she does for the home and family. While also doing your share of the household chores
Do This For Your Husband:
- Have sex regularly. (This is how they feel most connected to you.)
- Be physically affectionate every day. (A kiss, a hug, a hand massage, a butt slap…)
- Catch him doing something right! Acknowledge and appreciate what he does for you. If you feel like complaining about something he’s NOT doing or doing “wrong,” remember: Behind every complaint, blame or criticism is a desire. Your husband really does want to please you. So cut to the chase and tell him your desire instead of your complaint:
- “I love it when you…”
- “Thank you for…”
- “It makes me feel supported when you…”
- “I really appreciate…”
Connection is the Cure
The good news: You won’t need to talk about your feelings if you already feel connected. The Fear/Shame spiral is a sign of disconnection. So if an issue arises when you’re already feeling connected, it’ll be less likely to trigger that fear or shame. The tension can be managed easier, with less hostility and more sensitivity to each other’s vulnerabilities.
Life is messy, chaotic, and we are not perfect people… which means disconnection is inevitable. But when that fear and shame sneak back into our marriage, I’m confident that we will now recognize it and stop the spiral by reconnecting.
*This blog in its entirety is based on research done by Dr. Pat Love and Dr. Steven Stosny. Their studies are explained in depth in their book, How To Improve Marriage Without Talking About It.
How to Handle Narcissism in a Relationship
Narcissism is one of those words that people use a lot. Have you heard something similar to these statements?
- He only cares about himself. Only doing what’s best for him. He’s so selfish.
- She is so into what she looks like. Did you see all those selfies? She’s such a narcissist.
- Did he really just take all the praise for that project? He didn’t even acknowledge those who helped him.
While many of us may have narcissistic traits, it’s essential to recognize that there are levels of narcissism, and that Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is something altogether different. NPD is a legitimate mental health condition. According to Christina Gregory, Ph.D., “narcissism exists on a spectrum: On one side, it’s craving the occasional compliment. On its darkest side, it can creep into pathological territory.”
So, are you dealing with narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
That’s a great question, and being in a relationship with someone who’s a narcissist is not an easy thing to deal with. So, let’s take a look.
Some narcissistic characteristics include:
- Having an inflated sense of self
- Needing constant praise
- Taking advantage of others
- Not recognizing or caring about the needs of others.
On the other hand, NPD is defined by The Mayo Clinic as “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
Let’s look at how narcissism, in general, can impact relationships.
Studies have found that only about 1% of the population suffers from NPD. However, this number could be higher because many who have NPD never seek treatment. Researchers say it is challenging for those with NPD to truly build a trusting, equal relationship. If you believe you are in a relationship with someone who suffers from NPD, look for a therapist who has experience with narcissism. Narcissism at any level can be severe and is harmful to maintaining a healthy relationship. (Download: Step-By-Step Guide To Healthy Relationships EBook)
Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., lists some common traits of a narcissistic relationship partner that can exist at varying levels:
- Sense of entitlement or superiority
- Lack of empathy
- Controlling behavior
- Strong need for admiration
- Focus on having their needs met while ignoring the needs of others
- Higher levels of aggression
- Difficulty taking feedback about their behavior.
Here are some practical ways to deal with a narcissistic partner.
1. See them for their true self.
Those with narcissistic tendencies can be incredibly charming when they want to be. They may draw you in with this, but when you see their lying and manipulative behavior toward others, recognize that they may do the same to you. Your needs are likely unimportant to them. To begin dealing with a narcissist, you must accept who they truly are and realize that you can’t change them.
2. Set clear boundaries.
Narcissists are often very self-absorbed. Their sense of entitlement may push them to disrespect your personal space. Set clear boundaries with consequences that you will carry out. Serious consequences that affect them personally may catch their attention.
3. Recognize that it’s not your fault.
Someone with NPD or any level of narcissism will rarely take responsibility for hurting you. You may feel the need to accept blame, but if you’ve recognized they are a narcissist, there’s no need to blame yourself. Hold on to that truth.
4. Build a support system.
You need to surround yourself with healthy relationships. This relationship may emotionally drain you, so you need to have others you can lean on. This may be family, close friends, or those who share a hobby or interest. Don’t let this relationship isolate you.
5. Seek professional help when needed.
The person you are in a relationship with may need professional help. Narcissists often will not seek out help, but you can suggest it. And if you’re experiencing anxiety, depression, or health issues, get help for yourself. If you don’t know where to start, reach out to your primary care physician or support network.
**If you’re being mentally, physically, or emotionally abused, seek help immediately. You can reach out to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233.**
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is emotionally and mentally draining. For the relationship to survive and thrive, the narcissist must come to terms with who they are and be willing to overcome those traits. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you need to take care of yourself first and find someone to guide you along the way.
Sources:
https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist#move-on
https://www.psycom.net/personality-disorders/narcissistic/
https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1081&context=managementfacpub
https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0103469
Why Compassion is One of the Most Important Qualities in a Healthy Marriage
Compassion is important in marriage!
Did you know that there’s a whole science behind compassion in relationships? Seriously! Ok, bear with me, even if you’re not a researchy-geek like me (I promise I won’t make this sound like your high school chemistry book.) Because compassion is majorly important in marriages, even more so than you might think. And research has a lot to say about it.
Just like anything sciency, it’s essential to define terms well. And sometimes compassion, empathy, and sympathy get mixed up. Let’s untangle that.
Empathy = You don’t share the same feelings or experiences, but you choose to imagine what it might be like. They hurt; you don’t but can put yourself in their shoes. You can empathize.
And then we come to compassion. This is when you empathize/sympathize with someone (say, your spouse), and you’re prompted to show kindness in their situation.
They hurt. You empathize/sympathize. You say something to lift their spirits. Compassion!
So, sympathy/empathy are only the beginning of compassion. One study even suggests being empathetic is good to a point, but it can actually affect you negatively unless it’s followed up by compassion.1
So compassion is more than a feeling. (Classic rock fans, anyone?) Or maybe it’s more accurate to say, compassion isn’t really beneficial unless it’s put into action. One researcher describes compassionate acts as “caregiving that is freely given.”2
Think about this in your marriage.
No matter what your spouse experiences, good days or bad, you can:
- Sympathize with them, or…
- Choose to empathize with them, and then…
- Feel compassion toward them, which…
- Prompts compassionate action.
Y’all…we should be doing this all the time in our marriage!
Why? (Here we go with the science again…) Research3 tells us compassion is good for you, your spouse, and your marriage!
- Compassion toward a spouse predicts higher levels of daily relationship and life satisfaction for both people. (Don’t miss this: happiness in marriage goes up on a daily basis! Who doesn’t want that?)
- Compassionate acts benefit the emotional and mental well-being of the person receiving them (in this case, your spouse).
- The person who is acting compassionately toward their spouse also experiences a positive effect on their well-being, even if the spouse doesn’t necessarily recognize the compassionate act!
Bottom line: Compassionate acts do a marriage good.
It makes you a better spouse. It makes your spouse a better person. And it makes your marriage more loving, intimate, and strong.
Let’s consider one more reason why compassion might be one of the most important qualities in marriage. No matter who you are, most of us would agree that the world could always use a little more compassion. What if the real power of compassion in our world begins with compassionate action in our marriages and families? We know kindness is contagious.4 As they say: as families go, so goes the world.
So, inject some compassionate action into your marriage — for your spouse, for you, for the world.
Sources:
1 Functional Neural Plasticity and Associated Changes in Positive Affect After Compassion Training
2Compassionate Love: A Framework For Research
3Compassionate Acts and Everyday Emotional Well-being Among Newlyweds
4Social Contagion Theory: Examining Dynamic Social Networks and Human Behavior
MOST POPULAR LINKS ON TOPIC:
– The Most Important Quality in a Marriage is…
– 30 Ways to Be a More Compassionate Spouse
– 7 Tips on How to Communicate With Your Spouse in a More Compassionate Way
How to Be More Compassionate to Your Spouse
I think one partner in every marriage has heard or thought the phrase, “You don’t care.” I’ve learned to interpret that in my own marriage like this: I’m not showing any compassion.
Compassion is where empathy meets action.
It’s the difference between caring and showing care. You want your spouse to know you can feel their pain, and you’re willing to do something about it. And studies show that you’re better off for showing compassion whether your spouse acknowledges it or not.
Do you want to be more compassionate to your spouse? Sure you do! Here are some tips.
Put your energy into understanding.
Compassion starts with listening for understanding. Listen, not for how you can fix it or be right, but to understand your spouse’s thoughts, emotions, and desires. The Gottman Institute’s research tells us, “Most of the time, when your mate (or anyone) comes to you with an issue that has made them upset, they don’t immediately ask for advice. They are silently asking for your understanding and compassion. They want to feel that you are on their side.”
Action: Respond in a way that demonstrates you understand or that you want to better understand. Avoid trying to fix the issue.
Step outside of yourself.
Things affect people differently. You may not react to disappointment, pain, or betrayal the way your spouse would. If you respond differently than your spouse, try laying your preferences down and allowing your spouse to be true to themselves. Accept them as they are and support them.
Action: Validate your spouse through words, physical affection, and comfort.
Never forget: your spouse is human, too.
He’s your husband. She’s your wife. The parent of your children. Your knight in shining armor. Your queen. All that may be true. But they are also a person with emotions, ups and downs, disappointments, and unrealistic expectations at times. They make mistakes, and they might have a lapse in judgment here or there. In other words, we all have our imperfections. Treating a spouse as though they shouldn’t make mistakes will block compassion.
Action: Give your partner space to be human. Give them grace when things don’t go their way. Avoid placing unrealistic expectations of perfection on them. Don’t treat them like a title: husband/wife, parent, provider. Instead, treat them like they’re your favorite human on the planet.
Stop what you’re doing and go “all-in.”
Sometimes when your spouse is having a difficult time, you have to just turn the TV off. Silence those cell phone notifications. Cancel a social outing. Remind your spouse that the world can go on, but right now, “my world is stopping until you get what you need from me.” Do this before there’s a panic attack, nervous breakdown, or an explosion of pent-up anger.
Action: Ask, “What do you need from me at this very moment?”
Be helpful.
Each of you brings different strengths and tendencies to the relationship. Our tendencies can sometimes leave us vulnerable to mistakes. For instance, your go-getter spirit can cause you to overcommit your time, which causes stress. Your kindness can allow others to take advantage of you. You often have the choice to criticize or be compassionate toward your spouse.
Criticism will help point out all their “flaws.” Compassion will look for ways to cover their blind spots.
Action: Be the spouse that recognizes blind spots. And with a generous spirit, help fill the gaps. For example, be the friend to your spouse that they are to others. Do a little more housework when your spouse is stressed.
Pillow talk and morning coffee…
Compassion is at its best when we intimately know the recipient of our compassion, a.k.a. spouse. We don’t learn them through osmosis. Sometimes the only way to get the answer to being more compassionate is to talk about it. This is the perfect kind of conversation to have at night while lying in bed.
Action: Give your spouse undivided attention before bedtime or during morning coffee. Ask, “What does the word compassion mean to you?” What does compassion look like to you? What do I do that makes you feel cared for or understood?”
Sometimes we can be our kindest, most understanding selves toward strangers, but I’m here to tell you: it should be the other way around. The ones closest to us should be the first recipients of our compassion. Admittedly, it takes intentionality. Remember that your favorite human is the one you said “I do” to. And now that you remember it, treating them like it will help them believe they really are your favorite.
Sources:
Tis’ Better to Give, To Your Spouse
Expressing Compassion and Empathy
MOST POPULAR LINKS ON TOPIC:
– The Most Important Quality in a Marriage Is…
– 30 Ways to be a More Compassionate Spouse
– 7 Tips on How to Communicate With Your Spouse In a More Compassionate Way
What You Need to Know About Anticipatory Anxiety
My wife and I have been together since high school, and she was just offered a new position at work. Yay!! We’re so excited. But there was only one catch: the offer required that she take and pass a standardized test. Three things trigger her anxiety more than anything else: doctors, spiders, and tests. When any of these three is a possibility, she can’t sleep and loses her appetite. We’ve always known this was an issue for her, but we work through it. One step at a time.
Her anxiety before these events made me curious. Is this normal or is it a sign of something more? Is she ok? I mean, I get anxious about some things, but not to that extent. So, I did a little digging. In the process, I came across some interesting articles and research regarding something called “anticipatory anxiety.”
What is anticipatory anxiety?
It sounds clinical, but anticipatory anxiety comes from fear or worries about things that could happen — situations, events, or experiences that may lie ahead. It can stem from past experiences, but it doesn’t always. My wife’s anxiety with tests or spiders doesn’t stem from past trauma. The anxiety with doctors? Now that’s a different story.
Some symptoms may include things like hyperventilating, chest pain, difficulty concentrating and feeling apprehensive. It can also show up as sleep issues, loss of appetite, emotional numbness, and trouble managing emotions.
Aren’t we all a little anxious about the future?
Sure! It’s normal for all of us to feel anxious about the future from time to time. Tests, moving, big trips, new jobs, and major medical procedures are just a few examples of things that cause anxiety. It’s not unusual to worry over these things, but there’s a BIG difference between being worried and having anticipatory anxiety.
Let’s take a look at some differences. A 2015 study looked at “phasic fear” (fear that precedes a threat you can predict) and anticipatory anxiety. Phasic fear lasts for a short time. On the other hand, anticipatory anxiety lasts longer and is a reaction to an unpredictable threat. Each fear activates different parts of the brain. The researchers found that we all experience different levels of anticipatory anxiety. BUT if a person suffers from an anxiety disorder, anticipatory anxiety can go well beyond what most people experience. Anticipatory anxiety can be life-limiting for those who suffer from panic disorder, PTSD, or a phobia.
An American Psychological Association survey in March 2021 found that 50% of participants reported anxiety in the current reentry phase of the pandemic. We’re probably all a little anxious right now as the world reopens and kids return to school (in some areas of the country for the first time since March 2020). We might even worry about a COVID recurrence or future pandemics.
So, how do we cope with anticipatory anxiety?
Anticipatory anxiety can put stress on personal relationships because you’re distracted by what-ifs. It can be life-limiting as you try to avoid things you’re afraid of. But you can cope with anticipatory anxiety and work to overcome it.
We can also help others cope by paying attention to their actions and emotions. Maybe you have a loved one with anticipatory anxiety. If so, you can encourage them to use the coping mechanisms listed below. A strong support system that offers love, grace, and encouragement can make a world of difference.
Here are some methods to help you cope:
Practicing a relaxation response: Deep breathing, guided imagery, or meditation are a few examples. Find something that calms you.
Self-talk: Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend who’s having a similar experience. Self-compassion can make you more mindful. It can also motivate you to recognize and face your fears.
Healthy distractions: Take a walk, listen to music, engage in your favorite hobby, or exercise.
Challenge your anxious thoughts: Ask yourself if you’re being realistic. If you aren’t, challenge those thoughts with realistic ones.
Take action: Sometimes, the best solution is to confront whatever makes you anxious. This may mean taking small steps toward conquering your fears. You don’t have to tackle it all at once.
So, my wife faced her test anxiety. She studied diligently. The kids and I cheered her on and offered words of support and encouragement. We created an environment at home to lessen her anxiety as the time to take her test got closer. And she passed her test. With that, the fear is gone… until the next test. But, when it comes to spiders, we’ve got a long road ahead. [Read How To Help Your Spouse Deal With Anxiety]
Overcoming anticipatory anxiety takes work. But, reining in your fears will be helpful for you and your family. If you think your anticipatory anxiety could be a sign of something more, consult with a therapist or counselor for guidance.
Sources:
https://www.nature.com/articles/nrn3524
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/da.22382
https://www.jneurosci.org/content/33/26/10607
https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2021/one-year-pandemic-stress
What Introverts Married to Extroverts Need to Know
We’re all wired differently, and the differences are never more evident than in marriage. While navigating differences in relationships can present challenges, you’ll go deeper as your relationship grows and you become a student of your spouse. Couples often encounter differences when one spouse is introverted and the other is extroverted. This can be a pretty noticeable difference based on the individual’s personality, but these types are often misunderstood. Let’s dive a little deeper into understanding them.
What’s the difference between introversion and extroversion?
The common perception of the difference between these two is that one is shy and the other is outgoing. While that can be true, it isn’t the rule. Psychologist Carl Jung (the father of this whole conversation) classified the two groups based on where they find their energy. Extroverts are energized by the external world. Introverts are energized by alone time.
So, are they polar opposites?
Jung discovered that people aren’t necessarily one or the other. Instead, look at it as a spectrum. There can be varying degrees of introversion and extroversion. My wife and I fall on different points of this spectrum. And it can fluctuate.
What does an introvert married to an extrovert need to know?
There are differences in how these two are wired. So, for the introverts out there, here are some things you need to know and some tips to help you navigate your differences:
Navigating social settings.
As we discovered earlier, extroverts are energized by the external world. They are often the life of the party, and they love it. They live to meet new people and experience new places. “Stranger” is a foreign word to them.
For the introverted spouse who likes to be alone, this can be a struggle. If they do go out in the crowd, they often want to be out of the spotlight. But if you know that your spouse is energized by being around others, you should talk about this. It’s not fair to prevent them from being in social settings, but it’s also unfair to always send them alone. It’s possible to find a balance that meets your needs and your spouse’s needs while strengthening your relationship.
Talking about their problems.
Extroverts usually find it easy to talk out their problems with others. They’re often more than willing to express their feelings, thoughts, and issues.
On the other hand, introverts tend to internalize and think through things. They dislike conflict and will withhold their thoughts to avoid confrontation. For the health of your marriage, it’s essential to talk through issues and manage conflict together. Introverts may need to step out of their comfort zone and discuss issues with their spouse. They don’t have to talk to all their friends about it, but need to express it to their significant other. Remember, if you don’t discuss problems with your extroverted spouse, they will find someone to discuss them with. And the best place for marriage work to be done is in the marriage. (Read https://m2r2resources.com/should-you-tell-your-friends-and-family-about-your-marital-problems/.)
Taking risks.
Extroverts aren’t afraid of risk. They may be more apt to engage in risky behavior than an introvert. Some studies have shown that they are wired this way. Their brain rewards them when risks go well. One study found that risk-takers are rewarded with dopamine, a “feel good” chemical associated with pleasure and reward. So for extroverts, risk-taking brings about a rewarding sensation. The greater the risk, the greater the reward.
Introverts are more inclined to weigh the pros and cons of any risk. Whether diving into the stock market or diving out of an airplane, they think it through and process it. Their extroverted spouse just jumps. The introverted spouse needs to express their desire to process to their spouse. You can’t hold them back from taking the risk, but you can be their cheerleader, so look for opportunities to support healthy risk-taking. Remember, they are wired to have a natural desire to take risks.
These are just a few ways that introverts and extroverts differ. Remember, this is a spectrum, and you both may find yourselves at varying degrees on that spectrum. But most importantly, you need to recognize who you are, who they are, and who you are together. Marriage is about learning from each other and growing together. Be who you are and encourage your spouse in who they are.
Sources:
How Does Dopamine Effect the Body?
Tips for Extroverts Married to Introverts
I’m sure you want to understand and appreciate your spouse, and it can be hard sometimes. But I’m here to tell you: When extroverts are married to introverts, it can be a good thing — a great thing, even! You just have to figure a few things out and appreciate your differences.
My spouse and I are the epitome of the saying “opposites attract.” I’m an extrovert. He’s an introvert. Throughout our 27 years of marriage, I’ve become more extroverted. In contrast, he’s become more introverted. We’ve worked through and understood these differences by now, but it wasn’t easy at the beginning of our relationship. (Read What To Do When You And Your Spouse Are Really Opposites.)
We had conflicts and disagreements as a result. As an extrovert, I tended to be more talkative and demanding, which caused him to retreat. That led to frustration because I wanted him to be like me. But he’s not, and that’s ok!
Once I realized there was nothing wrong with him being who he is (an introvert), we could have productive conversations. In turn, he shared some things he wanted me to know about him, so I’ve got some tips to share. Navigating through our differences to reach the point of understanding was a good thing for us.
How did we get there?
We finally realized that the difference between introverts and extroverts is how each gains and uses emotional energy. We also recognized that being introverted or extroverted is not cut-and-dried. Instead, it’s on a continuum from extroversion to introversion. There are extreme extroverts, extreme introverts, introverted extroverts, extroverted introverts, and other combinations.
If you are an extrovert married to an introvert, here are some things they probably wish you knew.
Being an introvert doesn’t mean they don’t like people.
As an introvert, your spouse does like people, but being around them requires them to use a lot of emotional energy. To restore themselves, they need time alone. Recognizing that they have limits on the amount of time they spend with others and the number of people they want to be around can help you understand them better.
Have a set game plan.
Whether you’re planning a dinner party for friends or want to attend the retirement party for your supervisor, talk about it with your spouse. Consider things like date, time, location, and the number of people. Once plans have been set, try not to change them at the last minute. Once you’ve shared the game plan, have an honest conversation about what you both expect. This will help you both mentally prepare for the interaction.
Accept, and don’t judge them.
If you’re at a social gathering, your introverted spouse may want to be near you. They may need your presence as support. While you want to “work the room,” realize that may be uncomfortable for them. Give them understanding, not judgment. Telling them they are anti-social or standoffish is not helpful.
They need alone time.
After spending time with people, your spouse will need time to recharge. While you may be over the moon about spending time with people (and energized afterward), being around people can cause stress in your spouse. Solitude gives them the time and space to regain their equilibrium. They’re not trying to reject you or distance themselves from you. You can help your spouse out by creating an atmosphere that provides the solitude they enjoy. For example, try drawing a bath, placing candles around the tub, or making their favorite drink and leaving it near their favorite chair. This can demonstrate that you see, respect, and appreciate what it took for them to go with you to the outing.
No matter what you prefer, it’s vital to know and understand how your spouse feels and responds to social events. Find ways to assist and support them. Things like standing near them, holding hands, or checking in from time to time to make sure they’re ok. Be aware of the signs that they have reached their limit. There’s a delicate tightrope between your comfort level and your spouse’s, but it leads to a great place. Remember, the more you understand your spouse, the more you can love, serve and give them what they need.
Sources:
To the Husband Who Hurt His Wife
To the husband who hurt his wife:
Marriage is tough, and we all make mistakes. I’ve made some big ones in my marriage. I don’t know what mistake you made or what you did to hurt your wife, but I do know this: You have a chance to save your marriage. Choosing to do so is a huge first step.
I’ve been where you are. By our second year of marriage, I screwed up majorly and hurt the one person who matters more to me than anyone else. But, as I write this, we are celebrating our 17th anniversary. So I offer you hope IF you’re willing to invest the time and energy.
I’d like to tell you there’s a quick fix or three steps to healing a broken marriage, but there’s not. If you are committed to repairing the relationship, and your wife is open to it, all you can do is take it day by day.
Let’s start here. You have to own what you did.
Don’t pass the blame off on anyone else. You made a decision; you did something wrong. Own that. As I said, I made some big mistakes, and I own them. My wife isn’t at fault for my past decisions. I carry the burden of my mistakes, and it can be a heavy burden. But when she sees that you own your mistakes, she may be more willing to forgive you.
Show your wife that you desire to mend the relationship.
This takes effort. She needs to see that you want to make things right. Gifts and flowers won’t heal these wounds. Depending on the gravity of the mistake, there may be a massive break in trust. You have to rebuild it. You have to walk with her hand in hand. She may need space to process. You may need to seek out counseling. Ask her what she needs, not what you can do to make up for your mistake. What is required to heal both of you may take you out of your comfort zone, too. The best step for us was a fresh start. So five and a half years into our marriage, we relocated 1,000 miles from our hometown. The next five years were about reconnecting with each other and reestablishing who we were as a family. During this time, we decided to use our struggles to help other young couples. It may take years to repair the damage that’s been done, but it’s worth the wait. Your relationship can still move forward.
Wounds take time to heal.
Emotional wounds take significantly more time than physical wounds. The deeper the wound, the longer it takes to heal. Stay by her side. She isn’t the only one who needs healing either. The fact that you hurt her enough that you are questioning the security of your marriage means you need time to heal as well. Warning: Guilt is dangerous. Don’t let it consume you. Seek individual help if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
And then there’s pride. For us men, it can be challenging to set our pride aside. If you’re honest, pride may have gotten you where you are. You have to humble yourself enough to own what you did. A healthy marriage takes sacrifice and putting each other’s needs first.
Your relationship can survive!
If you’re both willing to work together, you can move beyond this hurt. And you know what? Your relationship will come out stronger. I am still processing and healing from my mistakes. I don’t know that I will ever fully heal. But I do know that my wife has forgiven me. I know I am harder on myself than she is. We are healthier today than we’ve ever been. Our marriage is stronger, and we see our past issues as a way to help other marriages.
You’ve got this. Take it one day at a time. No matter how hard it seems, don’t give up. I’m rooting for you, and I’m here for you!
Other helpful resources:
How to Rebuild Trust in Marriage
7 Ways to Increase Trust in Marriage
