Just say something about boundaries and watch what happens. Some immediately become suspicious and negative. Others believe it’s a good thing that’s necessary for healthy relationships. Why does the idea of setting good boundaries elicit such opposing responses?

Are boundaries good or bad?

“Many people view boundaries as a way to restrain them,” says relationship coach, Dr. David Banks. “They say they want to be free to do whatever, whenever they want to do it. This is not a healthy way of thinking. Living with no boundaries may sound exciting, but it can actually destroy you. The sad thing is, most of the time people don’t experience the negative impact of ‘no boundaries’ until after the fact, and then it is often too late.”

For example, take the person whose goal is to make a million dollars in a year. He basically puts his marriage and children on hold while putting his nose to the grindstone to make his million. At year’s end, he realizes he reached his monetary goal but sacrificed his relationship with his family in the process.

“Setting boundaries starts early,” Banks says. “As parents, we model this for our children. Consider the fact that when children are born, parents usually place the child between the two of them and the marriage takes a back seat to childrearing. In reality, the child should be positioned in front with the parents standing firmly behind the child. The boundary is set from an early age that you don’t come between mom and dad. As parents, your job is to receive your child, raise your child, and release your child.”

Without firm boundaries in place, life can be a bit more complicated, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.

If you’ve never had any boundaries, it’s not too late to take some steps toward setting good boundaries. Though it may be hard in the beginning, it can be really helpful in the long run.

“Many people are afraid of the backlash of setting boundaries,” Banks shares. “While it is true that things could be a little challenging for a while, keep your eyes on the goal. Ultimately, people are looking for healthy relationships—at work, in their marriage, with their children, and in friendships. Healthy boundaries help you establish priorities, manage your time better, and have fulfilling relationships with people.

“When you are spending time with your spouse and your phone rings or your teenager comes in wanting to talk about changing curfew, you see these for what they are—distractions from your priority at the moment. The phone can wait and so can your teen. Boundaries are actually very freeing.”

The following steps can be helpful for setting good boundaries:

• Understand your purpose. Who are you? What is important to you? What are your priorities in life?
• Focus on yourself, not on others. The only person you can change is you. You can’t control other people’s behavior. If your goal is to stay healthy and connected, boundaries help with that.
• Stay strong. If you’ve operated without boundaries, suddenly putting them in place could initially create chaos in your relationships. Stay the course.
• Surround yourself with a strong support system. These aren’t necessarily your best friends, but they will speak the truth to you, encourage you, and hold you accountable for the change you seek to create.

Ultimately, boundaries set the standard for expectations in relationships at home, at work and in the community. They protect you and allow you to function at your highest level of productivity.

We’ve got more great stuff about boundaries!

Help! My Spouse Hates to Talk About Boundaries!

8 Tips for Setting Technology Boundaries in Your Family

How Boundaries Can Protect Your Marriage

Setting Boundaries with Adult Children

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

Perhaps you believe that you or someone you love is addicted to pornography. While you may be tempted to keep it quiet, there are lots of resources to help with recovery.

In her book, An Affair of the Mind, Laurie Hall says there’s no easy answer. As the wife of a porn addict, she learned she had to disengage from trying to fix him. Instead, she had to take care of herself.

“You have to build your own personal foundations under you—boundaries, standards, tolerations, and requirements,” says Hall. “It was not an option to tolerate this in my home. I learned that one of the first steps toward recovery, whether you are the person addicted or the spouse, is to seek help from a trained counselor.”

Hall learned that some counselors empower the spouse who is dealing with the difficulty of being married to a sex addict. Others simply don’t understand the nature of sexual addiction.

“Working with a counselor who doesn’t get it can leave you feeling shredded,” Hall says. “I have hundreds of letters that bear out this point.”

When looking for a counselor, Hall suggests you ask:

• Where did they get their counseling training?

• Have they had specific training in dealing with sex addiction? Where? When?

• What is their approach in dealing with this subject?

• Does the counselor network with national groups who deal with this subject?

• How many people have they counseled on this issue?

After the session, ask yourself:

• Did the counselor treat me with respect?

• Does this person view me as a partner in my own healing or as a project?

• Did the counselor hear me or lecture me?

• Does the counselor encourage or discount my intuition?

• Is this person’s belief system compatible with mine?

• Did I feel safe?

• Did they offer any resources—books, pamphlets, websites and/or support groups for more information about sexual addiction?

Next Steps

If you suspect a problem, but aren’t sure, you can take a sex addiction screening test developed by Dr. Patrick Carnes, an expert on sexual addiction and recovery. You can take it online at faithfulandtrue.com under the self-assessment tab.

If you know you have a porn addiction, Dr. Mark Laaser, author of The Pornography Trap and Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, suggests you begin by admitting the problem. Talk with an accountability partner and seek help. Put blocks on your computer and put the computer in a public place. Be straightforward about what would tempt you. Porn is in the mind of the beholder; certain things are universally considered porn, but other things like catalogs and magazines could be pornographic to an addict.

“With help from a trained counselor, we are seeing evidence that people can successfully recalibrate their brain,” says Laaser. “By demonstrating sexually pure behavior, you can rewire your brain to be satisfied with sexual purity in your marriage. Though it is not an easy process, there are people who have been successful.”

You can find additional secular or faith-based resources on these websites:

• Faithfulandtrue.com

• Addiction Center

• Everymansbattle.com

• Fightthenewdrug.org

Looking for more resources? Watch this episode of JulieB TV for an in-depth look on this topic!

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

David H. Olson, founder of Life Innovations and one of the creators of the Prepare/Enrich marriage enrichment tools, has surveyed 21,501 married couples in all 50 states to identify the top ten strengths of happy marriages.

Research shows the strongest couples are those who have strong communication skills, a clear sense of closeness as a couple, flexibility, personal compatibility and good conflict management skills.

In strong marriages, there is a balance between separateness and togetherness. These couples make togetherness a top priority, ask each other for help, like doing things together, and spend most of their free time together.

1. Partners are satisfied with communication.
2. Partners handle their differences creatively.
3. They feel very close to each other.
4. Spouses are not controlling.
5. Partners discuss their problems well.
6. They are satisfied with the affection they show and receive in the marriage.
7. There is a good balance of time alone and together.
8. Family and friends rarely interfere.
9. Partners agree on how to spend money.
10. Partners agree on spiritual beliefs.

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***